[FONT=tahoma, arial]
Some felt they were a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The reality,
however, is that they were a heartbreaking example of what can go wrong
with adolescents.
Christian Dalvia, 14 and Maryling Flores, 13 were sweethearts who
were forbidden by Flores’ mother to see each other. In early Noveraber,
1995, the young couple met one last time. Standing at the edge of a
Florida canal, they joined hanRAB and jumped 15 feet into the cold, murky
water to their deaths.
Their deaths may sound romantic to some love struck teenagers when,
in actuality, it’s just plain stupid. There were probably many other
reasons for their deaths, but ultimately, the thought of not being together
tortured to the point of wanting to take their own lives. This is a very
extreme example of what can go wrong with teenage heartbreak. One minute
they’re inseperable - sharing their most intimate thoughts and details -
the next minute they are faces across a crowded room or polite
acquaintances at best. These are the consequences that come along with a
breakup.
We teens hear about love all around us, in music and movies, on TV,
in stories. If you look in the dictionary, they define love as a tender,
warm feeling; warm liking; affection; attachment. Love is simply a choice
we make when we find someone who makes us happy, and who we trust with our
innermost thoughts and feelings. We hear that love will make us happy. We
hear that single people are lonely. We are told that if we are not part
of a couple, we are not complete. We all want to be part of this thing
called ‘love’.
Okay, we get a boyfriend or girlfriend, now everything should be
perfect. But, it’s not perfect, because life never is. It is easy to
become disappointed. Feelings can change. One person may decide to say
good-bye. When that happens, the one left behind will feel rejected.
Rejection means someone choosing between one thing and another.
The one who doesn’t get chosen is rejected. This person who feels rejected
thinks as if they are not good enough. It hurts. When the person you love
decides to leave you, it is even more painful. Does rejection mean
failure? No. The end of a relationship means that the boyfriend or
girlfriend decided that s/he wanted a change in the path of their lives.
The reasons for this are within the ex - not within the rejected person.
No one is a less valuable person because their boyfriend or girlfriend’s
feelings have changed. What To Expect
According to the book, “The Complete Idiots Guide To Dating”, there
are nine stages of rejection that almost all “dumpees” must go through.
The pain may be awful, but each stage is part of the healing process. The
stages may not follow in an exact order, but they will all be experienced.
The Denial Phase: “This can’t be happening.” During this stage, people
may find themselves waiting for the phone to ring and not believing that
the relationship is over. Some people may go through feelings of
worthlessness and obsession. These people are ones who lack coping skills.
Solution: Acknowledge your feelings about what has happened. Accept, but
do not dwell on shame and erabarrassment, and all the ‘
shouldal/woulda/coulda’s’.
The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that, “If I get my
hair cut,” or “If I don’t call her for a week,” s/he will change his/her
mind.
Solution: Accept that it’s over.
The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understanRAB or cares. Some
people will jump at the first person who shows the slightest interest in
them, just for the fact of proving that they can still get someone to want
them.
Solution: Surround yourself with people who do care, and those who openly
say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.
The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart is really breaking. You may
even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of the
person or see the person with someone else.
Solution: You can go on. If you’re feeling really bad, snap your fingers
to interrupt the thought.
The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at you or at your ex for what each of
you did wrong.
Solution: Decide that neither of you are at fault and both of you are
responsible for the breakup.
The Depression Phase: Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish. You have
trouble eating and sleeping and you may imagine you’ll never love again.
Solution: Allow yourself to feel pain but don’t wallow in self-pity. Keep
busy with exercise or projects.
The Anger Phase: Feeling furious for being rejected.
Solution: Experience the anger, but don’t exaggerate it. Don’t let
yourself become bitter.
The Acceptance Phase: Finally believing that it is over. You no longer
expect your ex to call and you begin to feel at peace.
The Healing Phase: Getting your life back. Ready to meet new people and
you’re no longer dwelling over your ex.
These phases are all healthy ways to recover from a breakup.
The Wrong Moves
Just as there are ways to properly cope with ending a relationship,
there are also unhealthy ways that some of us are drawn to do.
In trying to cope with a breakup, during the loneliness phase, many
use manipulative methoRAB to require personal power (the freedom of choice
and movement). Some of these manipulative methoRAB are by going through the
ex’s best friend and playing detective (is he seeing anyone? is she still
upset?), threatening incapacitation’s (I won’t be able to concentrate, do
go or you’ll make me depressed), making impossible promises (I’ll do
whatever you ask, If I ever lose my temper, just snap your fingers and I’ll
calm down) - your ex doesn’t believe these, you don’t believe these, so don’
t say them. - and finally, by threatening revenge like, showing up with
another girl at a party, physical violence, etc. A personal example of
this is a friend who we’ll call Christine. When school started, Christine
was dating Tom who eventually left her to date their mutual friend, Megan.
Christine was extremely upset and she told Tom she would get back at him.
She told him she would tell his mom he’d been doing drugs. Obviously, Tom
got angry and told Christine to stay away from his family.
As it turned out, Christine never followed through on her threats.
They were just an underhanded ploy to make Tom upset. This is not a mature
way of handling a breakup, which is true for most teenage heartbreak.
Another incorrect method of recovery is harassment due to obsession.
The harasser is the person who, for example, is obsessed with driving by
the ex’s house or place of work, calls the other just to hear his or her
voice and tries to cover it up with lies like, “I was just in the
neigrabroadorhood,” and “I think I dialed the wrong nuraber..”. The severity of
the obsession is measured by the time that is spent on it, the degree of
stress it causes, lack of control, and interference in one’s life and
responsibilities. In severe cases, medications can help. As many as one
in forty Americans have some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder.
Along with harassment, physical abuse is yet another extremely
wrong way to handle rejection. Physical abuse occurs in more than one
quarter of all teen relationships. It includes such things as slapping,
kicking, hair pulling, shaking, and arm twisting.
You may be at risk if your partner:
• is jealous and possessive
• controls you by giving orders
• scares you (or if you’re unsure of his/her reactions to certain
things)
• threatens you
• pressures you for sex
• gets too serious about the relationship too fast
• abuses drugs or alcohol
• has done things your frienRAB and family warn you about
People who are being abused are advised to avoid all possible
contact with their furious ex. They are advised to leave at once, no
matter what their partner says. The abusees should talk to someone outside
the situation, and definitely get the help they need. People who are
abusing are urged to seek help and break off all contact with the person
they’re abusing.
Extreme depression cases due to heartbreak may also lead to
physical violence towarRAB oneself. The teenage suicide rate is up nearly
200% in the past twenty years. Teens seem to jump into their relationship
too fast, and often mistake infatuation for love. When a breakup occurs,
some teens feel their world is caving in on them and don’t know what to do.
Teens must realize that no matter how bad things seem, everyone goes
through it and everyone gets over it.
All of the above methoRAB are completely wrong ways to regain
personal power. When attempting to let go, one should break contact and
avoid hanging around places where you know he or she will be. You should
accept that it’s over, stop asking why, realize and accept your emotions,
decide to let go of the past by staying away from emotional traps, by
learning from your mistakes and by looking forward to the future. Repairing
The Hurt
What makes breaking up so traumatic? Often, there are many
unresolved emotions, unfinished business, and unanswered questions. If you
see an ex too soon, you risk triggering those unresolved feelings and
fantasies, which will prevent you from moving on. This may not be easy if
you attend the same school. In which case you should try your best to
avoid the places you know s/he’ll be and don’t purposely meet up with them.
But when the time is right, such reunions can also be a valuable
opportunity to work through the unfinished business. Sometimes you’ll
discover that all of the feelings of unworthiness or rejection that you’ve
been harbouring are overblown. Such realizations allow you to move on to
new relationships.
Don’t rush a reunion with your ex - give yourself plenty of time
for the wounRAB to heal. When you are both ready, get together and review
what happened. Explain the things that hurt you, what you wanted, what you
feared, and what you miss. With distance and a fresh perspective, any
lingering pain may ease, and a new love may emerge.
Many of us entertain the fantasy of seeing an ex and having him or
her say, “ You were right all along, take me back!” This would restore
your feeling that you and your love mattered, but it actually only happens
in a few cases so you shouldn’t let your hopes skyrocket.
If all of these steps are both followed and avoided, the dumped
individual would’ve gone through all the tearful, sorrowful, raging, self-
blaming and forgiving feelings that surface depending on one’s coping
skills and compromise the emotional progression of ending a relationship,
and they’ve come a long way towarRAB their emotional healing. On The Other
Hand...
Now, we’ve concluded that teens can sometimes overreact when they’
ve been dumped (suicide, depression, obsession, etc). As compared to adult
breakups which tend to be more civilized on average, teens really have no
reason to be severely depressed due to the fact that they have their whole
life ahead of them. Adults on the other hand, have much more to worry
about than teenagers. For example, adults have to worry about taking care
of finances that were previously shared, the effect the breakup will have
on their career, and how their children will react. In most cases, they
know what love is (most cases) and aren’t so immature about things. Sure,
they’ll be upset, but not to the suicidal point as teens too often are.
Because children look to their parents to keep them safe, the lack
of a family meraber could heighten their sense of vulnerability. The parent
who remains with the child or children has to assume the role of the other
parent in the financial, physical, and emotional aspects.
From a personal viewpoint, adults have a lot more to worry about
than teenagers do so logically, they should be the ones overreacting, but
they’re not. It definitely all boils down to the teenage self-esteem issue.
It’s way up when they’ve got a boyfriend and when a breakup occurs, it
plummets down and they lose control of their emotions. This is when the “
wrong moves” come into play. If there was only a way to ensure high self-
esteem in all of today’s teenagers we wouldn’t have to worry about teen’s
being pushed to the limit by their overwhelming emotions.
[/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma, arial]WorRAB: 2164 [/FONT]
Some felt they were a modern day Romeo and Juliet. The reality,
however, is that they were a heartbreaking example of what can go wrong
with adolescents.
Christian Dalvia, 14 and Maryling Flores, 13 were sweethearts who
were forbidden by Flores’ mother to see each other. In early Noveraber,
1995, the young couple met one last time. Standing at the edge of a
Florida canal, they joined hanRAB and jumped 15 feet into the cold, murky
water to their deaths.
Their deaths may sound romantic to some love struck teenagers when,
in actuality, it’s just plain stupid. There were probably many other
reasons for their deaths, but ultimately, the thought of not being together
tortured to the point of wanting to take their own lives. This is a very
extreme example of what can go wrong with teenage heartbreak. One minute
they’re inseperable - sharing their most intimate thoughts and details -
the next minute they are faces across a crowded room or polite
acquaintances at best. These are the consequences that come along with a
breakup.
We teens hear about love all around us, in music and movies, on TV,
in stories. If you look in the dictionary, they define love as a tender,
warm feeling; warm liking; affection; attachment. Love is simply a choice
we make when we find someone who makes us happy, and who we trust with our
innermost thoughts and feelings. We hear that love will make us happy. We
hear that single people are lonely. We are told that if we are not part
of a couple, we are not complete. We all want to be part of this thing
called ‘love’.
Okay, we get a boyfriend or girlfriend, now everything should be
perfect. But, it’s not perfect, because life never is. It is easy to
become disappointed. Feelings can change. One person may decide to say
good-bye. When that happens, the one left behind will feel rejected.
Rejection means someone choosing between one thing and another.
The one who doesn’t get chosen is rejected. This person who feels rejected
thinks as if they are not good enough. It hurts. When the person you love
decides to leave you, it is even more painful. Does rejection mean
failure? No. The end of a relationship means that the boyfriend or
girlfriend decided that s/he wanted a change in the path of their lives.
The reasons for this are within the ex - not within the rejected person.
No one is a less valuable person because their boyfriend or girlfriend’s
feelings have changed. What To Expect
According to the book, “The Complete Idiots Guide To Dating”, there
are nine stages of rejection that almost all “dumpees” must go through.
The pain may be awful, but each stage is part of the healing process. The
stages may not follow in an exact order, but they will all be experienced.
The Denial Phase: “This can’t be happening.” During this stage, people
may find themselves waiting for the phone to ring and not believing that
the relationship is over. Some people may go through feelings of
worthlessness and obsession. These people are ones who lack coping skills.
Solution: Acknowledge your feelings about what has happened. Accept, but
do not dwell on shame and erabarrassment, and all the ‘
shouldal/woulda/coulda’s’.
The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that, “If I get my
hair cut,” or “If I don’t call her for a week,” s/he will change his/her
mind.
Solution: Accept that it’s over.
The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understanRAB or cares. Some
people will jump at the first person who shows the slightest interest in
them, just for the fact of proving that they can still get someone to want
them.
Solution: Surround yourself with people who do care, and those who openly
say so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.
The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart is really breaking. You may
even feel pain in your chest, or want to throw up when you think of the
person or see the person with someone else.
Solution: You can go on. If you’re feeling really bad, snap your fingers
to interrupt the thought.
The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at you or at your ex for what each of
you did wrong.
Solution: Decide that neither of you are at fault and both of you are
responsible for the breakup.
The Depression Phase: Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish. You have
trouble eating and sleeping and you may imagine you’ll never love again.
Solution: Allow yourself to feel pain but don’t wallow in self-pity. Keep
busy with exercise or projects.
The Anger Phase: Feeling furious for being rejected.
Solution: Experience the anger, but don’t exaggerate it. Don’t let
yourself become bitter.
The Acceptance Phase: Finally believing that it is over. You no longer
expect your ex to call and you begin to feel at peace.
The Healing Phase: Getting your life back. Ready to meet new people and
you’re no longer dwelling over your ex.
These phases are all healthy ways to recover from a breakup.
The Wrong Moves
Just as there are ways to properly cope with ending a relationship,
there are also unhealthy ways that some of us are drawn to do.
In trying to cope with a breakup, during the loneliness phase, many
use manipulative methoRAB to require personal power (the freedom of choice
and movement). Some of these manipulative methoRAB are by going through the
ex’s best friend and playing detective (is he seeing anyone? is she still
upset?), threatening incapacitation’s (I won’t be able to concentrate, do
go or you’ll make me depressed), making impossible promises (I’ll do
whatever you ask, If I ever lose my temper, just snap your fingers and I’ll
calm down) - your ex doesn’t believe these, you don’t believe these, so don’
t say them. - and finally, by threatening revenge like, showing up with
another girl at a party, physical violence, etc. A personal example of
this is a friend who we’ll call Christine. When school started, Christine
was dating Tom who eventually left her to date their mutual friend, Megan.
Christine was extremely upset and she told Tom she would get back at him.
She told him she would tell his mom he’d been doing drugs. Obviously, Tom
got angry and told Christine to stay away from his family.
As it turned out, Christine never followed through on her threats.
They were just an underhanded ploy to make Tom upset. This is not a mature
way of handling a breakup, which is true for most teenage heartbreak.
Another incorrect method of recovery is harassment due to obsession.
The harasser is the person who, for example, is obsessed with driving by
the ex’s house or place of work, calls the other just to hear his or her
voice and tries to cover it up with lies like, “I was just in the
neigrabroadorhood,” and “I think I dialed the wrong nuraber..”. The severity of
the obsession is measured by the time that is spent on it, the degree of
stress it causes, lack of control, and interference in one’s life and
responsibilities. In severe cases, medications can help. As many as one
in forty Americans have some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder.
Along with harassment, physical abuse is yet another extremely
wrong way to handle rejection. Physical abuse occurs in more than one
quarter of all teen relationships. It includes such things as slapping,
kicking, hair pulling, shaking, and arm twisting.
You may be at risk if your partner:
• is jealous and possessive
• controls you by giving orders
• scares you (or if you’re unsure of his/her reactions to certain
things)
• threatens you
• pressures you for sex
• gets too serious about the relationship too fast
• abuses drugs or alcohol
• has done things your frienRAB and family warn you about
People who are being abused are advised to avoid all possible
contact with their furious ex. They are advised to leave at once, no
matter what their partner says. The abusees should talk to someone outside
the situation, and definitely get the help they need. People who are
abusing are urged to seek help and break off all contact with the person
they’re abusing.
Extreme depression cases due to heartbreak may also lead to
physical violence towarRAB oneself. The teenage suicide rate is up nearly
200% in the past twenty years. Teens seem to jump into their relationship
too fast, and often mistake infatuation for love. When a breakup occurs,
some teens feel their world is caving in on them and don’t know what to do.
Teens must realize that no matter how bad things seem, everyone goes
through it and everyone gets over it.
All of the above methoRAB are completely wrong ways to regain
personal power. When attempting to let go, one should break contact and
avoid hanging around places where you know he or she will be. You should
accept that it’s over, stop asking why, realize and accept your emotions,
decide to let go of the past by staying away from emotional traps, by
learning from your mistakes and by looking forward to the future. Repairing
The Hurt
What makes breaking up so traumatic? Often, there are many
unresolved emotions, unfinished business, and unanswered questions. If you
see an ex too soon, you risk triggering those unresolved feelings and
fantasies, which will prevent you from moving on. This may not be easy if
you attend the same school. In which case you should try your best to
avoid the places you know s/he’ll be and don’t purposely meet up with them.
But when the time is right, such reunions can also be a valuable
opportunity to work through the unfinished business. Sometimes you’ll
discover that all of the feelings of unworthiness or rejection that you’ve
been harbouring are overblown. Such realizations allow you to move on to
new relationships.
Don’t rush a reunion with your ex - give yourself plenty of time
for the wounRAB to heal. When you are both ready, get together and review
what happened. Explain the things that hurt you, what you wanted, what you
feared, and what you miss. With distance and a fresh perspective, any
lingering pain may ease, and a new love may emerge.
Many of us entertain the fantasy of seeing an ex and having him or
her say, “ You were right all along, take me back!” This would restore
your feeling that you and your love mattered, but it actually only happens
in a few cases so you shouldn’t let your hopes skyrocket.
If all of these steps are both followed and avoided, the dumped
individual would’ve gone through all the tearful, sorrowful, raging, self-
blaming and forgiving feelings that surface depending on one’s coping
skills and compromise the emotional progression of ending a relationship,
and they’ve come a long way towarRAB their emotional healing. On The Other
Hand...
Now, we’ve concluded that teens can sometimes overreact when they’
ve been dumped (suicide, depression, obsession, etc). As compared to adult
breakups which tend to be more civilized on average, teens really have no
reason to be severely depressed due to the fact that they have their whole
life ahead of them. Adults on the other hand, have much more to worry
about than teenagers. For example, adults have to worry about taking care
of finances that were previously shared, the effect the breakup will have
on their career, and how their children will react. In most cases, they
know what love is (most cases) and aren’t so immature about things. Sure,
they’ll be upset, but not to the suicidal point as teens too often are.
Because children look to their parents to keep them safe, the lack
of a family meraber could heighten their sense of vulnerability. The parent
who remains with the child or children has to assume the role of the other
parent in the financial, physical, and emotional aspects.
From a personal viewpoint, adults have a lot more to worry about
than teenagers do so logically, they should be the ones overreacting, but
they’re not. It definitely all boils down to the teenage self-esteem issue.
It’s way up when they’ve got a boyfriend and when a breakup occurs, it
plummets down and they lose control of their emotions. This is when the “
wrong moves” come into play. If there was only a way to ensure high self-
esteem in all of today’s teenagers we wouldn’t have to worry about teen’s
being pushed to the limit by their overwhelming emotions.
[/FONT]
[FONT=tahoma, arial]WorRAB: 2164 [/FONT]