Tale Of A DOOMed Kingdom

T

Tommy O

New member
The battle Is getting near
I must get rid of this fear
I wish we could settle this In other ways
But the battle Is in just a few days

As i prepare for the war
I try to forget it all
As I have a duty to my men
To serve and protect all of them

The day I dread has come
I must get ready at once
For battle is just a few minutes away
I fear deep inside I shall die today

Into the battle we go
Seeking the enemy's home
I hide all my fears well
But i know they feel what I feel

The enemy outnumbers us by far
They smash and shatter our amour
The number of our men becomes less and less
We have no chance of success

As the last of our men are slaughtered
I check if my body Is In order
I feel a large pain in my back
And pull out a dual bladed axe

I have lost so much blood I collapse
I see images and thoughts from my past
I start to fall asleep
But i know i will never wake up
As we have lost the war
Our kingdom Is no more
 
Well written and extremely focued the first eighty percent of the piece. I kind of felt like you wanted to finish it toward the end...maybe it doesnt need an ending?

Eitherway I enjoyed it and I can see where it is going.
 
thanks dude i wrote it for a college assignment for a laugh and my lecturer said it was good so i thought i'd post it here glad you liked it
 
it's good, but what happened with the last stanza? You break the pattern of the four line stanza and it makes for an awkward finish.
 
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