Struggling today

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kitty13

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A brief history: My 25 yr old daughter and were heavy into Opiates and benzos for the past few years. In April we both went to detox. I am now almost 7 months clean and it feels wonderful. She made the decision back then to leave home and live with her boyfriend (also an addict). Since then, she's lost everything, job, car and support of all her family. We haven't had much contact with her, only when she wants something. She did go with me to a couple NA meetings last month. That's really the only place I feel safe with her. I have a real hard time dealing with her lies (something she's become very good at).
Anyway, last night she came to talk my husband and I. She wants to come back home. I know it was a very bad situation where she was, living with boyfriend and his parents. I don't know what happened there, but she's desperate. Says she has no place to go. She told us she's tired of living the way she has been and is willing to get help. I'm really scared to let her back home. I don't want this to hurt my recovery. I'm doing very well, things are great with hubby. As her mother, I feel like I need to help her but I guess I don't know the best way to do that. Any suggestions, advice?
Thanks for letting me vent.:)
 
Kitty-
Hey there. I'm happy to hear about your recovery. Way to go on 7 months girl! I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter and can see where you are struggling with the choice of allowing her to come back home, or to tell her she just can't.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can offer my thoughts. At this point, my thoughts are that you need to really concentrate on your own continued recovery. 7 months is nothing to sneeze at sweetie, but it is still early in your recovery you know? I wouldn't think that you want to do anything to jeopardize your own recovery and risk losing everything you have worked so hard to gain here.

I know this is a tough place to be in since she is your daughter, but in this case, she is an adult and you need to put your own neeRAB first in this situation. If you feel that her being back home could hurt or hinder your recovery, then you might be best served to tell her that right now she just can not come home. Maybe when she has some recovery of her own under her belt you two can revisit this situation.

I wish I could offer more, but the only thing I think about in all this is you and your recovery. I'm so sorry you have this hard choice to make, but know that there are people sending positive thoughts your way.

Take care!
 
She's an adult. Why don't you offer to help her financially (if you're able), like loan her deposit money and first month's rent to get her own place, then she'll have a month to find a job and start living like a responsible adult.
 
You are in a difficult situation where you have to maintain your own recovery and you still care for your child. I think if you lay down some very strict, unbendable, unbreakable rules for her to come back into the house you can bring her back in. She neeRAB to understand that if any rule is broken, she's out on the street. Rules like attending NA meetings on a regular basis, no drugs of any type, you can limit her frienRAB, where she goes and what she does, what time she neeRAB to be home and if any of the rules are broken, out she goes. Random drug tests are a must. Over time if she shows improvement, you can relax some of the rules, but with still the stipulation if she breaks them she cancels the deal. Maybe she has finally hit rock bottom and is ready to stop and change her life. It's a tough decision you have to make. Keep yourself clean as a priority. Congratulations on 7 months!
 
maybe she could enter an inpatient program first then consider moving back in with you
 
Thanks for your replies. Our daughter was supposed to come talk with us last night but once again blew us off. I guess she can't be that desperate after all. I had an NA meeting to go to, so I had to leave anyway. I really needed that meeting! She said she'd come over tonight. I really want to be prepared for this meeting. My husband & I have talked about this alot. He really wants to know that he's done everything possible to help her. But, he made me promise to tell him right away if I can't handle it. He's worried about me. He's been right beside me on my road to recovery.:angel:
Ozzy - Thank you for your support. It is a major decision and we've decided to offer to let her come home.
Denon - I read alot of your posts. It was wonderful to see your reply. We are in the process of creating a list of rules (very specific & very strict) that we can show her right away. All of your suggestions will be on that list! Once she sees them, she probably won't want to be here anyway. The hard part is how do we enforce some of those rules when we're both gone all day?
vr - We talked to her about an inpatient program. She told us no. She was, however, open to an IOP. There is a good one in our area that I went to after detox. I have the director's card that I will present to her.
Thanks again for the support:)
I am going to go start compiling my list so we are ready if she decides to show up tonight. Wish us luck!

Kitty
 
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