I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale - £1- Volume Stuck On Full”.
I thought: “I can’t turn that down!”.
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn't know what to make of it.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
I was reading this book today, "The History Of Glue". I couldn't put it down.
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a cd player." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he then?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up
I have many more if you enjoyed them
I thought: “I can’t turn that down!”.
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house.
I didn't know what to make of it.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
I was reading this book today, "The History Of Glue". I couldn't put it down.
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a cd player." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he then?"
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up
I have many more if you enjoyed them