slipping

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pingeye2

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I have been clean and sober from OC use since Novemeber 08...that is until yesterday (monday). I have been sitting at a blank computer screen for the last twenty minutes trying to decide what to write or how to best portray the thoughts in my head. The last two days played out exactly how it has played out for me many times before. Over the last 3 years I have had many long stretches, 6 months, 3 months, 4 months, etc. followed by a one or two week sturable followed by another long stretch of sobriety. It is like a movie that I have seen many times and I have memorized. For the 48 hours I was battling with myself to fight off the cravings, somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it would happen, it felt like I was simply putting a finger in the dam,it was just a matter of time until it blew. And the frustrating and actually scary part for me is that I knew if I had come to this website or gone to a meeting I would have been able to continue holding out. I didnt do any of those things however, I stopped myself from coming to this website and I stopped myself from going to a meeting, the reason I stopped myself is becasue I wanted to get high. If i didnt WANT to get high than I would have come to this website or I would have called someone. Why is it that at my time of need, a time when I should be reaching out for some help, I stop myself??

I guess the most important question is where do i go from here? This time I am hoping to change things. As i said earlier, I have been in this situation many times before. Although I have had a hard tough day of urges after using last night, I will remain clean today. In the past when I have fallen off it has taken me anywher from 2 weeeks to 4 months to get sober again. The hardest part to accept for me and I am sure everyone reading this is that everything is going great for me. I have turned things around from the mess I had made for myself, I have started to redevelop lost relationships and I have been enjoying life more than ever. I have especially enjoyed the reduction in stress. For years I always carried that stress of finding the next "fix". The reduction in stress has improved my quality of life at all levels and those around me have commented on this even though they have no idea about my "secret". I hope to use this minor slip up as a learning experience and a source of strength in the future, however it shows that I can never let my gaurd down, I cant be so naive to think that I have conquered this problem. We have all learned in recovery that cockiness is not a good thing when it comes to your addiction. sorry for the scrarabled thoughts, i hope it doesnt only make sense to me.
 
try getting more involved with the meetings way more . i went through the feeling good , an desideing to drink or drug , they told me that i was not ready , an that i needed to drink every drink i drank to get where i am today, or drug , its alot of hard work staying clean , but you can do it , you have to want it more than anything you have ever wanted:)
 
Hey Pingeye2,

I am so sorry to hear about the slip... However as you know and stated, good things can come of them. I know when I had my slip I learned a lot from it. Please, please next time come here.... or make a call.... I have been tempted so many times.... I just come here and read or type.....

We are here for you all the way. I believe you can do this because you have before. None of us are perfect by any means and we have almost all been in your shoes. And some of us may be in them again....

Hang in there ok? Keep us updated and I will say many prayers for you!!!!
 
allways remeraber there are no minor slips , this is a matter or life an death, an each time we choose to exspeirament, it could just be our last , my sponcer said only women where slips , but it does say it in the B book , get some outside help , an dont forget where you came from:)scott, an during my first few months , i could not think for myself, i needed others to help me to think , i had stinkin thinkin ,sometimes i still do , so i still need others to help me to think all the time , most days my head is a bad place to be , it neeRAB a baby sitter:wave:
 
I have been there were you were holding this big secret and pulling it off well.. It was stressful and lonely! I also feel freed of that! It's a good feeling.

Yes, be on guard at all times! Seriously, it's a full time job in itself. It really is!

You keep hanging in there! Keep us posted!
 
Hi pingeye,

You can definitely learn something from this slip. I agree, cockyness is not a good thing when it comes to your addiction. You have to be vigilante ALL the time.

Get back on that horse and show us what you're made of :) You can do this - you've already done it :)

If you feel yourself slipping again, make that call or come online here - your recovery has to come before anything.

Good luck :)
emsmom
 
just some random thoughts from me while staying clean for today.....

Being an ex college athlete i am trying to take the same aproach with my sobriety as I used to with working out. When you are working out you really need to push yourself, some days you really want to work out and other days you really dont feel like it but you do it anyways because its what you need to do. Well that is what I am trying to do with staying clean, there are days where staying sober is not hard, I feel great about myself and great about life and the day is great from start to finish. Now on the other hand there are days where as soon as I wake up I am craving OCs, I am trying to harness the same strength I used to use to go workout on the days I didnt feel like it. The easy thing to do would be to skp the workout, just as it would be easy to give in and use again. I shouldnt use this analogy because staying clean is 100 percent harder than itever was to work out, but nowadays any positive thought is a good thing.

Another random thought from me concerns my perception of time while sober as compared to when i was using. If that doesnt make any sense I will try to explain further. As a drug addict i was living day by day without any future plans or goals, my only concern was how and when I was going to get high. When you live your life without an eye towarRAB the future or without any goals it is an empty existence. I did not have any thoughts about my future nor did I have any goals in life I was working towarRAB. Now that I have been living a sober lifestlye I have developed many goals and I am excited for the future. im thinking more in terms of long term plans as opposed to only caring and thinking about the present time.

I think it helps to simply come on here and type whats on my mind as i struggle through my recent difficult stretch. Thank you for reading.
 
thanks for the reply secrets, emsmom,and 56789 you are all very caring and supportive people. I must say that in some weird way I think my minor slip up has strengthened my resolve, dont get me wrong the last few days have been a very difficult test, the temptations have been extreme and I have been tested but I have not done anything further. I basically felt "hungover" the day after i used and I didnt feel right for the next two days. Its ironic that the very drug I seeked to make me feel good, now makes me feel bad. What makes me feel good now is living life, spending time with family, working out, playing golf etc. all things that majorly decreased during my drug use. I didnt realize during my drug use that I pushed everyone in my life away, all that was left was me and the drug.

I am continuing to fight my addiction everyday. I have to be on guard at all times. If i stop working as hard as I can not to use for one minute, i could slip right back into old habits. Looking back on it now I am amazed at how no one in my life suspected anything was wrong even though I was living with this secret that was eating away at me on the inside for 3 years. So not only was I living as a drug addict but it was also a full time job to not appear as a drug addict if that makes any sense. I was basically living a double life and dealing with all of the stress associated with it. To be free of that now and to not have to deal with the stress is invigorating. This is what I have been trying to remind myself of when those cravings start poking at me.
 
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