SIL untimely "maybe" wedding- am I a party pooper?

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My SIL has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for over 5 years and he's ready to get married. My SIL on the other hand is still "thinking" about it for the past 3 years (since he originally propsed) but she says she's coming closer to making a decision.
She said she wants a Dec. wedding and does not want a long engagement.

The problem is if she wants to get married this Dec. she'll have to make a decision soon which I don't think will happen in the next few weeks. I don't know if she realizes we have to buy plane tickets, make our son miss some school days (which is NOT an option), and if she plans on the 5th I would have to back out on a preformance at Disneyland that I have been looking foward to all year (I won't be the only one preforming so the show will go on, but I REALLY want to do this).

All the sibling that has gotten married (mine and my DH's) we've all planned it so that it would be the most convienent for all the family merabers. I don't know if she's being selfish or doesn't realize what we all have to sacrifice. Her youngest brother has severe cerebral palsy so if both parents fly out they would have to put him in a home which he does not do well in.

I'm happy for her that she's FINALLY making a decision about marrying this guy but are we supposed to drop all our plans and go to this wedding? I know she's family but if she would give us more than 2 month notice (if even that!). She's waited a loooong time to get married (she's 44) so does that warrant even more of "drop whatever you're doing and come to this" kind of attitude?

My husband (her brother) kind of feels the same way, that she should give us some notice. And he also does not want our son to miss school.

I know I can't tell her what day to get married, but do I just sit back and rearrange my long awaited plans for this, which may not even happen! She even said today that she has no idea what will happen in Dec.
What do I do or say?
 
No offense taken.:)

I received an email from her just a little while ago and she said that if there is a wedding she'd notify us quickly. She is aware that it is bad timing, but doesn't plan on changing it. Which I don't expect her to just so her brother and SIL can attend.

Now to add to this story, my biological sister is married to my husband's brother and they live in the same town as my SIL. (Two sisters married two brothers) So I sure hope my SIL doesn't do just parents and select family only because then I WILL be offended if my sis is invited and not me.

I did casually mention about my son's Christmas break and my plans in Dec without sounding (I hope) that she had to accomodate our plans....I just find this whole thing so rushed. I didn't ask her why she needed to get married so quick when it's been taking her 3+ years to decide. The poor guy has been waiting patienly all this time for her answer. If I were him I'd say "see ya later, there's other fish in the sea..." but that's only me.

Would it be rude to not attend? Not that I'm planning on it, but if it's planned on the 5th and she tells us about 4 weeks before, I don't know if we can go. I can't even imagine what the air flight prices would be! She is the last of all the siblings to get married (not that there's a lot of us) but it seems like she's creating a situation that would be hard on a lot of us. Mind you that most of her relatives live out here but the groom has A LOT of relatives within her state.

It'll be interesting to see if she can plan all this within 2 months, at most!
 
Thanks for the encouragment. I'm not going to fret about it until things are confirmed. But if she does plan on Dec 5th I know I'll get a lot of attitude from other family merabers about missing it because of a preformance at D-Land. So I have a feeling I'm going to have to cancel my plans for her.:mad: and pull our son from school (which normally isn't a big deal) but he goes to a private school that we're paying through the nose for, and he's in an excellerated program and trying to keep up with the bigger kiRAB is work. So missing a few days will affect him greatly.

I hope she knows what we're having to do for her!
 
I think it would be very "thoughtful" of you to "remind" your SIL that weddings take many months of planning, with vendors selected and paid way before the event. She will not be able to choose the flowers, the food, the dresses, the music, the decorations, the table rentals, lighting, church, minister, the reception site, etc. That means she will be paying for rush orders, getting whatever is available, have much more confusion and chances of wedding day disasters!

Those things don't even count your families having time to prepare. Who can just drop everything weeks before Christmas, and do anything as complicated and expensive as this! That is simply not feasible, in respect to the family's participation.

So, two out of three...No vendors, no family, no wedding. That leaves the courthouse, or Las Vegas.

You have ever right to speak up, your SIL's plan is full of holes. In my opinion, Deceraber is too early for Christmas, and I have had 50 years to plan! Plus, what is the RUSH all of a sudden?
 
If you have not been officially invited, with a formal invitation, then I would consider it a tentative date, and would respond in like...with a tentative NO.

If she is going non-traditional, which she seems to be-with a "by the way of the grapevine" invitation, she cannot expect a traditional formal RSVP her wedding. It is a choice she is making in planning her wedding.

I imagine her "way of the grapevine" invitations will receive a cool reception...it is practically impossible for the most organized brides to keep a guest list, using the formal RSVP system, for crying out loud! Is everyone to wonder as you are? Has she made arrangements at a local hotel for out town family, transportation, rehearsal dinner, family pictures?

If she want to get married in basically 10 weeks, something will have to give. Should she ask your family to bear such an expense for a quicky wedding! I think she will find out the hard way, most people are just like you...they just won't be able to swing this one!
 
Well I tease my brother that he missed my wedding but it is all in fun. Of course I also missed his but considering he also rushed his and like you last minute plane tickets were too costly. So he and tease we are even on missing each other's weddings.
 
Thanks for the suggestions. I'll have to utilize those ideas.
I had a very short engagement myself, but it was during when I knew the family would already be in town and it was very very low key, very informal.

I don't really know if she wants a large formal wedding, but I agree, it will take either a lot of stress or a lot of money to pull this off. Neither of which she has or can tolerate.

I don't know what the rush is, she's made this guy wait for her answer for 3 YEARS! If she teaches just two more years she'll get a great retirement package because she'll have to quit and move to where he lives.

I don't even know if we can afford to fly out on this last minute basis.
Would it be rude to tell her to let us know if there's going to be a wedding, because we originally heard about all this thru the grapevine. My sister who is not even related to the SIL knew about it. We're a bit hurt that everybody seems to know about this except us. So if she does decide to get married in Dec. I don't know how we'll find out, probably thru the grapevine again!
She hardly ever calls, but then we hardly call her too. It's not that we don't want to, we're both busy and she and my hubby do not like phones. I know it's weird. Their family hardly communicate to each other. That's a whole other issue.
But how would I ask her to please let us know about this ASAP?
 
I don't know if SIL would take it lightly. She doesn't joke around a lot. If I missed her wedding she'd be hurt and distance herself even more. Tha't my guess, but she'll probably forgive me eventually. What did she expect when throwing a last minute wedding together? It's not like throwing a get together with some frienRAB and getting some food at the local deli.

My engagement was 2 months long (or should I say short) but we made it so casual, quite unconventional. I truely lucked out on a nice but inexpensive dress and we were able to get a prof. photographer only because my dad had connections.

That's good that you can joke with your brother about it.

My SIL and I have some unverbalized tension between us.
 
I wasn't sure how to feel about this situation. I didn't want to seem like a party pooper and ruin her event about making a fuss on how quickly this wedding is "supposed" to take place.

I'm just irritated about this whole thing. I'm supposed to keep this hush-hush, so I don't even know if my in-laws are aware! Her own parents for crying out loud! I don't see what all the point is about keeping this so quiet. Is she going to get married or not?!

She's been with this guy for 5-6 years and she says she still doesn't have a "connection/attraction" that she's supposed to have. I'm not sure exactly what she's talking about or expecting. Either you love this guy to death or you don't. There is no perfect marriage in this world, there will always be disagreements and arguments in a marriage, which is why it's taking her so long to decide- she wants to be ABSOLUTELY sure this is the guy. Her siblings think she's nuts. She can't let her yes be a yes or her no be a no. As you can tell, she's VERY indecisive which is bothersome to me. (Can you tell?)

How can you gently tell her that if she doesn't have this "attraction" to him yet (after 5-6 years) it probably won't come!
 
I'd just try and forget about it if and until you and your husband receive an invitation with a date.

Trying to see this from her side, she's going to end up upsetting someone somewhere along the line with her wedding plans. It's inevitable. Weddings = someone getting annoyed ... and it's usually one of the bride's soon-to-be inlaws!

A lot of couples are just doing a save-the-date party nowadays after a privately-held ceremony. We've got two on our calendar already for next year, and one was because of a last-minute wedding that not very many people could attend. Do you think this could be a possible plan for her?

Whatever happens, try and be flexible and supportive of the bride, her fiance and their day.
 
Hmmm... Not to be rude or disrespectful, but are you sure that you guys are even invited to this wedding? I ask this because you mention that you heard about it through the GRAPEVINE. If she wanted you to come, maybe she would have told you directly or told someone else to invite you for her? You said that the communication was lacking.

Wouldn't she have notified you or told you that there 'might' be a wedding so be prepared if there is? You mentioned that everyone knows about this wedding EXCEPT for you. Or maybe it could be that she hasn't gotten around to inviting you.

It sounRAB like you found out about the wedding by default; through other people's gossip.

I could be totally wrong about this, just throwing it out there as a possibility. Please forgive me if this is offensive.
 
SIL untimely "maybe" wedding- am I a party pooper?

I guess what really matters is what she and her fianc
 
I wouldn't say anything until you know for sure that there's going to be a wedding and you're invited. For all you know, they may have decided to just have a very small wedding with only parents and/or select frienRAB/family merabers invited, followed up by a party later on. Many couples do this to save money. I think you should hold off for now to save a potentially erabarrassing gaffe. Then, if you do receive an invitation and attending isn't possible, you can politely decline and send a nice gift. And don't worry about being rude...a girl I know had to relocate her wedding at almost the last minute because of a swine flu outbreak of all things, and most of the guests who had initially planned to attend couldn't after all. No one got mad.
 
I can throw in my two cents. My brother missed my wedding and we threw it together fast(less than three months with most the major stuff set up in less than a month). He didn't miss it because he wanted to or because it was rushed but because a very last minute date change. We were to get married on one date but the church had an event they "forgot" about on that same day so we had to change it to the next weekend. Well my brother already had plans for that following weekend so both him and my uncle missed my wedding. I wasn't offended because we did rush things and part of the plans got screwed up and my brother already had his plans.
If she gets upset that you can't attend then that is for her to deal with. She knows she is rushing things and that you already have plans that are important to you. I wouldn't worry too much over it. I know easier said than done.
 
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