L
leeapplegrape
Guest
Okay So I need some help, I want to post a few of my stories that I have written In my school newspaper and I was wondering if i could get your guy's reviews on my story and your opinion
This story was written back in Halloween, please read the whole thing
"Boo!" Bob shouted from behind the curtain. Bob was on a date with his girlfriend, Raely; they were at an annual Halloween party. This party had been hosted by Janessa Scott every year before this one, but she was in the hospital for a broken leg. So, this year Raely and Bob were chosen to host it. They rented out the Penthouse suite in the local Hilton Hotel.
Raely realized that Bob had just shouted, "Boo!" So she kind of had a delayed reaction and screamed a minute or so later. Bob was disappointed that she hadn't been scared, so he started thinking of another way to scare her.
About an hour later Bob went missing. Raely was kind of freaked out and couldn't find him. She went down the stairs to try and find him. Out of the PA system came and eerie voice saying "Raely, its almost your time to go!" so by this time she was sprinting up and down the halls yelling, "BOB, BOB WHERE ARE YOU, BOB?"
Raely can't find Bob so she runs back up to the Suite and yells in her loudest voice, 'Does anyone know where Bob is?' No one listens, they all just keep dancing, but Raely is going to keep on searching. Once again Raely is running the halls this time she gets to the lobby, and the freaky thing is, no one is there. Not even the concierge. Raely just keeps on running.
She then goes back to the lobby and grabs the master key so she can look in vacant rooms to check if Bob is in there. She checks the 1st floor, then the 2nd, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and when she gets to the 8th floor the lights go out, and the master key no longer works. Raely takes out her cell phone quickly and dials Bob's phone number, it says it has been disconnected. She tries her mother's phone, and it says the number she is trying to reach has been disconnected and to try again later.
Raely mutters to herself, "The bathroom, of course, how could i have been so stupid, I haven't checked the bathroom."
She sprints in to the first floor girl's restroom, no one to be found. She hesitates for a moment and then goes into the men's restroom.
There is Bob and all of her best friends that she didn't even realize were missing. Raely runs over to Bob and starts sobbing, "Bob...I thought you were dead....oh my gosh.....don't ever scare me again.....I love you....I thought to died...I'm so glad that you are alive..." She holds on to him for a little longer and finally lets go.
Bob gets on one knee and asks, "Will you marry me, Raely Jones?"
Raely hugs him again and screams, "Yes!"
Their wedding was held in June of the next year, and they have two kids. It turns out that night Bob rhad rigged everything to go out, phones, lights, and keys.
~~~~
So the grammar isnt very good, sorry. This is my shortest story and also my least favorite. Please comment.
This story was written back in Halloween, please read the whole thing
"Boo!" Bob shouted from behind the curtain. Bob was on a date with his girlfriend, Raely; they were at an annual Halloween party. This party had been hosted by Janessa Scott every year before this one, but she was in the hospital for a broken leg. So, this year Raely and Bob were chosen to host it. They rented out the Penthouse suite in the local Hilton Hotel.
Raely realized that Bob had just shouted, "Boo!" So she kind of had a delayed reaction and screamed a minute or so later. Bob was disappointed that she hadn't been scared, so he started thinking of another way to scare her.
About an hour later Bob went missing. Raely was kind of freaked out and couldn't find him. She went down the stairs to try and find him. Out of the PA system came and eerie voice saying "Raely, its almost your time to go!" so by this time she was sprinting up and down the halls yelling, "BOB, BOB WHERE ARE YOU, BOB?"
Raely can't find Bob so she runs back up to the Suite and yells in her loudest voice, 'Does anyone know where Bob is?' No one listens, they all just keep dancing, but Raely is going to keep on searching. Once again Raely is running the halls this time she gets to the lobby, and the freaky thing is, no one is there. Not even the concierge. Raely just keeps on running.
She then goes back to the lobby and grabs the master key so she can look in vacant rooms to check if Bob is in there. She checks the 1st floor, then the 2nd, the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and when she gets to the 8th floor the lights go out, and the master key no longer works. Raely takes out her cell phone quickly and dials Bob's phone number, it says it has been disconnected. She tries her mother's phone, and it says the number she is trying to reach has been disconnected and to try again later.
Raely mutters to herself, "The bathroom, of course, how could i have been so stupid, I haven't checked the bathroom."
She sprints in to the first floor girl's restroom, no one to be found. She hesitates for a moment and then goes into the men's restroom.
There is Bob and all of her best friends that she didn't even realize were missing. Raely runs over to Bob and starts sobbing, "Bob...I thought you were dead....oh my gosh.....don't ever scare me again.....I love you....I thought to died...I'm so glad that you are alive..." She holds on to him for a little longer and finally lets go.
Bob gets on one knee and asks, "Will you marry me, Raely Jones?"
Raely hugs him again and screams, "Yes!"
Their wedding was held in June of the next year, and they have two kids. It turns out that night Bob rhad rigged everything to go out, phones, lights, and keys.
~~~~
So the grammar isnt very good, sorry. This is my shortest story and also my least favorite. Please comment.