K
Kevin S
Guest
It's like an old habit I can't kick. Surmise it to say I had a fairly rough childhood and young-teenage years- bad neighborhood, gang-banger white trash town, etc. There was- and still is- barely any serious issues- guns, knives, etc- but there are a lot of fights, jumping and really brutal beatings. Growing up in this area (Valley of the Sun), I learned how to defend myself at a young age and, seeing how effective stopping fights was, I started to try to end every fight I got the gist of. Unpopular is a very tame word for my reputation among the other guys then lol. But I went about it wrong, virtually forming a 'good-guy gang" as it was put. Me and my friends all trained for fighting constantly, and worked well together. It ended up blowing up in my face- I'd been in a fighting mode for years, and, at 15, my nerves were raw as hell. We got into one fight- one of the few I actually instigated, but didn't start- where this guy named Brandon got choked out from behind. I wanted to pull the dude off, but it was virtually a gang war w/ no weapons- too many people in between. He lost consciousness, ended up getting a broken arm, some sort of brain problem, and was bleeding everywhere from the whole fight. The guys who did it weren't on my side, or his- long story. I had a what the **** moment, and stopped fighting two years ago. But the entire thing left me scarred- mentally AND physically. I'm covered in scars, and now that I moved to a new district for the remainder of HS, my reputation and story aren't well known- only a few people here know I've fought ever. So that whole "nah he's just joking when he said he'd been in a fight before" idea vanished the instant I went to a pool party and took off my shirt.
Mentally is the worst scarring though- I can't relax. I constantly search crowds for people possibly moving in to try and jump me, I tense up no matter what, and virtually everything about me unnerves people- they often say I move and talk too fast. A playful punch at the side turns into a wrist lock, for example, completely on accident. Like muscle memory, I react more quickly than others. My senses- especially hearing- are pretty much crystal-clear, and I often hear, see and smell things everyone else doesn't. It's all led to a lot of nicknames and jokes lol- "(Jason) Bourne", ''Zippy'', etc. I constantly keep fit to fight- despite the risk of the rest of my health. My doctor last time called me 'grossly healthy', yet also said my immune system, reflexes and nerves all seem completely out of whack. I don't quite know what it all means (ok, I do, I'm not stupid, but I don't prefer to overthink these things lol) but it seems the constant stress and focus is taking a toll on my body.
LONG STORY SHORT: I screwed up in my earlier years, and now that the danger's past, I don't know what to do. I have no physical enemies to fight anymore it seems, yet I still try to keep ready, despite the stresses my body takes. My basic question is, should I constantly be prepared for the next fight, even though now I can't even predict if I'll get in a fight at all in the next few years? Or is it worth the stress to avoid getting jumped, mugged, or worse in the action because I let go of the mentality? I can't seem to find a mid way. The movements come naturally- I've only ever actually lost 2 fights, and those were because I was tired and outnumbered. How many I've won I won't say- first, because you wouldn't believe it, and second, because I honestly don't know. I have an approximate, but that's it.
Anyways, sorry, just had to get it all off my chest. Minus the length, any comments, OR PLEASE HELP?!?!?!?!?!??
Mentally is the worst scarring though- I can't relax. I constantly search crowds for people possibly moving in to try and jump me, I tense up no matter what, and virtually everything about me unnerves people- they often say I move and talk too fast. A playful punch at the side turns into a wrist lock, for example, completely on accident. Like muscle memory, I react more quickly than others. My senses- especially hearing- are pretty much crystal-clear, and I often hear, see and smell things everyone else doesn't. It's all led to a lot of nicknames and jokes lol- "(Jason) Bourne", ''Zippy'', etc. I constantly keep fit to fight- despite the risk of the rest of my health. My doctor last time called me 'grossly healthy', yet also said my immune system, reflexes and nerves all seem completely out of whack. I don't quite know what it all means (ok, I do, I'm not stupid, but I don't prefer to overthink these things lol) but it seems the constant stress and focus is taking a toll on my body.
LONG STORY SHORT: I screwed up in my earlier years, and now that the danger's past, I don't know what to do. I have no physical enemies to fight anymore it seems, yet I still try to keep ready, despite the stresses my body takes. My basic question is, should I constantly be prepared for the next fight, even though now I can't even predict if I'll get in a fight at all in the next few years? Or is it worth the stress to avoid getting jumped, mugged, or worse in the action because I let go of the mentality? I can't seem to find a mid way. The movements come naturally- I've only ever actually lost 2 fights, and those were because I was tired and outnumbered. How many I've won I won't say- first, because you wouldn't believe it, and second, because I honestly don't know. I have an approximate, but that's it.
Anyways, sorry, just had to get it all off my chest. Minus the length, any comments, OR PLEASE HELP?!?!?!?!?!??