Smalley Face
New member
the above? ill start by apologizing for my grammer, its never been good.
illi try to make this as short as possible, i was born on jan 18 1991, so i just recently celebrated my 20th birthday, im a 2nd year electrician and have had a steady GF for over 2 years. i like to think of myself as a pretty good looking guy. never have had problems with girls in any way, and i have a very solid group of friends whom i care about and have tons of fun with
as you can see on paper i have a pretty awesome life. unfortunetly the inner workings of my psyche arent up to par and im haunted by feelings of selfconciousness, depression, social anxiety, self hatred and sadness... SOME of the time
ill start at square one. my parents had me when they were 20 years old, followed by my younger brother when they were 22. then they divorced, so my brother and i lived our intire lives spending a week with each parent. life during my moms week was complete anarchy, no rules and we took advantige of it, i was constantly complimented and praised for my physical qualaties at this home.
life at dads was much different, he was overly strict to compinsate for the lack of structure at moms. he took schooling VERY seriously.
up until the 6th grade i was so happy. lots of friends, lots of fun, and lots of academic awards and praise, then something changed. grades went down and dad got pissed, he made me change schools wich i had never done before. at this point i basically shut down, sat around in class and didnt give a ####. i had zero privilages at home as a result and was locked in my room every night for 4 years (literally). i had never failed a class in my life but the old man wanted honors from me. when i was in the 9th grade and came home with Cs and not the improved grades he was expecting he made me pull down my pants, put my hands on the bed and he spanked me as hard as he could over and over and over, i remember just sobbing and begging him to stop. i was 14. i could barely walk let alone sit down for quite some time after that. so here i was self concous as shit for being the boy everyone thaught was a girl ( i was a really late bloomer and i was put into school a year early ), shitty ass grades, no social life whatsoever, and a prisoner of my room.
things carried on like this until i was in grade 11, then came sweet relief in friendship. an old friend from way back had called me up and invited me skidooing, i became best friends with him and his social circle and spent every night liiving in one of my friends basements on his couch for the rest of highschool. i graduated and became an electrician, living with different friends and then finally my girlfriend.
things seemed to be pretty good at that point, lots of friends, girlfriend, high self esteem. then things changed horribly, if i could go back in time to when i THAUGHT things really sucked i would. i had smoked pot with my friends on many ocasions, was never a "pot head" but i did experiment. but this one time my expereince with the drug was horrible, i felt as if i was seeing myself from other peoples eyes and i HATED myself. i hated the way i acted, the way i looked, the way i talked, the sound of my voice, and the way i interacted with my friends everything about myself... dane cook makes a joke about the one person in everybodys group of friends that nobody likes and i felt like i WAS that person.
i blamed it on the weed and sobered up. i felt normal again, life was fun and i had my buddies again. then i smoked salvia for the first time and it was like my bad marijuana trip on steroids, all my worst fears and insecurities came true, i was no longer the cool friendly funny guy i thaught i was and worked towards becoming as a person and i was the exact oposite. people hated me, i couldnt figure out why my girlfriend was even with me, my friends didnt like me, and i was a complete dick head.
ever since ive been on a psychological roller coaster. i get the most insane depression, i become anxious when hanging out with my friends, constantly think of stupid things ive said and done in the past wich just depresses me more. i feel lost and i dont know what to do. it comes and goes without warning ( i had a party at my house this past weekend wich was an awesome time and attended a party at my other friends the following night wich was equaly as fun... no anxiety or depression at all )
i would just really like to know if these drugs have "shown me the light" or not. have they made me open my eyes to my terifying reality as it really is? am i really a huge loser? or have they just manifested my worst psychological, social, and emotional fears and insecurities?
regardless of the answer though, i need serious help. i am not suicidal but i am terribly affraid that i might be one day. input of ANY kind would be greatly appreciated.
thanks to anybody who reads and replies
illi try to make this as short as possible, i was born on jan 18 1991, so i just recently celebrated my 20th birthday, im a 2nd year electrician and have had a steady GF for over 2 years. i like to think of myself as a pretty good looking guy. never have had problems with girls in any way, and i have a very solid group of friends whom i care about and have tons of fun with
as you can see on paper i have a pretty awesome life. unfortunetly the inner workings of my psyche arent up to par and im haunted by feelings of selfconciousness, depression, social anxiety, self hatred and sadness... SOME of the time
ill start at square one. my parents had me when they were 20 years old, followed by my younger brother when they were 22. then they divorced, so my brother and i lived our intire lives spending a week with each parent. life during my moms week was complete anarchy, no rules and we took advantige of it, i was constantly complimented and praised for my physical qualaties at this home.
life at dads was much different, he was overly strict to compinsate for the lack of structure at moms. he took schooling VERY seriously.
up until the 6th grade i was so happy. lots of friends, lots of fun, and lots of academic awards and praise, then something changed. grades went down and dad got pissed, he made me change schools wich i had never done before. at this point i basically shut down, sat around in class and didnt give a ####. i had zero privilages at home as a result and was locked in my room every night for 4 years (literally). i had never failed a class in my life but the old man wanted honors from me. when i was in the 9th grade and came home with Cs and not the improved grades he was expecting he made me pull down my pants, put my hands on the bed and he spanked me as hard as he could over and over and over, i remember just sobbing and begging him to stop. i was 14. i could barely walk let alone sit down for quite some time after that. so here i was self concous as shit for being the boy everyone thaught was a girl ( i was a really late bloomer and i was put into school a year early ), shitty ass grades, no social life whatsoever, and a prisoner of my room.
things carried on like this until i was in grade 11, then came sweet relief in friendship. an old friend from way back had called me up and invited me skidooing, i became best friends with him and his social circle and spent every night liiving in one of my friends basements on his couch for the rest of highschool. i graduated and became an electrician, living with different friends and then finally my girlfriend.
things seemed to be pretty good at that point, lots of friends, girlfriend, high self esteem. then things changed horribly, if i could go back in time to when i THAUGHT things really sucked i would. i had smoked pot with my friends on many ocasions, was never a "pot head" but i did experiment. but this one time my expereince with the drug was horrible, i felt as if i was seeing myself from other peoples eyes and i HATED myself. i hated the way i acted, the way i looked, the way i talked, the sound of my voice, and the way i interacted with my friends everything about myself... dane cook makes a joke about the one person in everybodys group of friends that nobody likes and i felt like i WAS that person.
i blamed it on the weed and sobered up. i felt normal again, life was fun and i had my buddies again. then i smoked salvia for the first time and it was like my bad marijuana trip on steroids, all my worst fears and insecurities came true, i was no longer the cool friendly funny guy i thaught i was and worked towards becoming as a person and i was the exact oposite. people hated me, i couldnt figure out why my girlfriend was even with me, my friends didnt like me, and i was a complete dick head.
ever since ive been on a psychological roller coaster. i get the most insane depression, i become anxious when hanging out with my friends, constantly think of stupid things ive said and done in the past wich just depresses me more. i feel lost and i dont know what to do. it comes and goes without warning ( i had a party at my house this past weekend wich was an awesome time and attended a party at my other friends the following night wich was equaly as fun... no anxiety or depression at all )
i would just really like to know if these drugs have "shown me the light" or not. have they made me open my eyes to my terifying reality as it really is? am i really a huge loser? or have they just manifested my worst psychological, social, and emotional fears and insecurities?
regardless of the answer though, i need serious help. i am not suicidal but i am terribly affraid that i might be one day. input of ANY kind would be greatly appreciated.
thanks to anybody who reads and replies