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Dark_Genome 212
Guest
I'm looking for someone read something I'm working on, and that could critique it for me. I'm mainly looking for someone around at least 17 or older. Because mainly, i feel like they would have more life experience than a 15 yr old, which is how old i am now. Also someone told me to look for someone who is a adult to critique my work rather than a teenager. So if you are willing to read what i got, I would be very grateful. Please, don't hold back though. Just tell me what you think, and give any usefull advice. Also it not much, just the beginning. So there isn't much, but it's progress because i haven't wrote much lately and it is my first project since my last one which was like a couple of months ago. It' a short story suspense/thriller/sci-fi/ general fiction. So what do you think? And yes i know, i shouldn't post my work online, but still, what in this story is worth steeling???
also I've noticed the dialog is strained a bit, how can I improve on that?
Thanks in advance.
The cool wind caressed Rachel Dawns pale skin as she stood before the bronze dual-doors. As she waited, she studied the events prior to her arrival. At 6:45 AM PT, she arrived at the San Francisco Airport, where neatly dressed man was waiting for her. He looked to be in his fifties, with streaks of gray in his thinning hair, and fatigued blue eyes. He held up a sign that read ‘Welcome Rachel Dawns’. As she proceeded towards him with her luggage, he greeted her with a smile.
“Rachel Dawns I presume?”
“That’s what they call me.”
“Welcome, I’m Perry Carter; I’ll be taking you to your Uncle’s place.”
Perry led her to a small black van that was waiting for them out front. He placed her luggage in the back as she sat herself down in the leather passenger seat. Taking his place at the driver seat, he started the van up.
“All buckled up?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“Then off we go.”
Steven Dawns, Rachel’s uncle, lived in the outskirts a couple of miles away from Los Angeles, in a small hidden town called Orion Village. The trip took three hours, which left room for small talk.
“So Rachel, your uncle never told me much about you.”
“Well he isn’t much of talker.”
“Not much of one indeed.”
“So how do you know him?”
“Oh, I knew him for quite a long time. We met when we were at Orion High. It was my first year there, just transferred from Devin High, the only private school in the area. Anyways, your uncle came up to me during lunch and asked my name. And it just went on from there. Oh, before I forget, how old are you again?”
“So Rachel, your uncle never told me much about you.”
“Well he isn’t much of talker.”
“Not much of one indeed.”
“So how do you know him?”
“Oh, I knew him for quite a long time. We met when we were at Orion High. It was my first year there, just transferred from Devin High, the only private school in the area. Anyways, your uncle came up to me during lunch and asked my name. And it just went on from there. Oh, before I forget, how old are you again?”
“Seventeen”
“Seventeen? Damn, I thought you were only fourteen, or at least that is what your uncle said.”
“Yeah, I Haven’t seen him in a while.”
Around 10:12 AM PT, they arrived at house. After helping her with her luggage, he bid her farewell and drove off. Twenty minutes later, that is still where she stood. He must be still sleeping she thought. Therefore, she knocked again with a little more force. A couple of minutes later a tall man with brown hair stood before her. With a big grin, he let her inside and took her luggage inside.
“Sorry about that Rachel, I was upstairs.”
“Oh it okay, don’t worry about it.”
“You want anything to drink?”
She thought about it for a sec, but said no. He led her up to her room. It was a relatively medium sized room, with a big rectangular window opposite to the door. After placing her luggage down, he invited her into the living room.
also I've noticed the dialog is strained a bit, how can I improve on that?
Thanks in advance.
The cool wind caressed Rachel Dawns pale skin as she stood before the bronze dual-doors. As she waited, she studied the events prior to her arrival. At 6:45 AM PT, she arrived at the San Francisco Airport, where neatly dressed man was waiting for her. He looked to be in his fifties, with streaks of gray in his thinning hair, and fatigued blue eyes. He held up a sign that read ‘Welcome Rachel Dawns’. As she proceeded towards him with her luggage, he greeted her with a smile.
“Rachel Dawns I presume?”
“That’s what they call me.”
“Welcome, I’m Perry Carter; I’ll be taking you to your Uncle’s place.”
Perry led her to a small black van that was waiting for them out front. He placed her luggage in the back as she sat herself down in the leather passenger seat. Taking his place at the driver seat, he started the van up.
“All buckled up?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“Then off we go.”
Steven Dawns, Rachel’s uncle, lived in the outskirts a couple of miles away from Los Angeles, in a small hidden town called Orion Village. The trip took three hours, which left room for small talk.
“So Rachel, your uncle never told me much about you.”
“Well he isn’t much of talker.”
“Not much of one indeed.”
“So how do you know him?”
“Oh, I knew him for quite a long time. We met when we were at Orion High. It was my first year there, just transferred from Devin High, the only private school in the area. Anyways, your uncle came up to me during lunch and asked my name. And it just went on from there. Oh, before I forget, how old are you again?”
“So Rachel, your uncle never told me much about you.”
“Well he isn’t much of talker.”
“Not much of one indeed.”
“So how do you know him?”
“Oh, I knew him for quite a long time. We met when we were at Orion High. It was my first year there, just transferred from Devin High, the only private school in the area. Anyways, your uncle came up to me during lunch and asked my name. And it just went on from there. Oh, before I forget, how old are you again?”
“Seventeen”
“Seventeen? Damn, I thought you were only fourteen, or at least that is what your uncle said.”
“Yeah, I Haven’t seen him in a while.”
Around 10:12 AM PT, they arrived at house. After helping her with her luggage, he bid her farewell and drove off. Twenty minutes later, that is still where she stood. He must be still sleeping she thought. Therefore, she knocked again with a little more force. A couple of minutes later a tall man with brown hair stood before her. With a big grin, he let her inside and took her luggage inside.
“Sorry about that Rachel, I was upstairs.”
“Oh it okay, don’t worry about it.”
“You want anything to drink?”
She thought about it for a sec, but said no. He led her up to her room. It was a relatively medium sized room, with a big rectangular window opposite to the door. After placing her luggage down, he invited her into the living room.