Secrets: you there?

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Hey you, I have been worried about you since we haven't heard anything from you in a couple of days. Let us know how you are doing. My thoughts are with you today! ;)
 
Hey you! I did have a good weekend. Boy, do we sound alike or what? For years, I did everything everyone wanted me to and it wasn't until a few years ago, that I started telling people "no." Then, I would feel quilty. It is very hard because there is a fine line between standing up for yourself and feeling like you are being a b****. You are doing great and you have so much to be proud of. You have accomplished what you wanted to do and that says a lot about your character. I am so sorry you feel depressed right now. I wish there was something, anything I could do to make you feel better. I am hugging you right now and am very proud of you. You have done the worst part and that it quitting those pills. Each day will get better!! And you have a lot of people who care about you and love you. Don't ever forget that!!! Did you have a good Friday night with the girls? Have a good day and I am thinking of you often ;)
 
Vacation!!!!! I am so jealous!!!! Where are you going?? Somewhere warm and tropical I hope.. I would kill to be on the beach somewhere right now! 9days of vacation will do you some good and you deserve it! Just last night I was remerabering our vacation we took in Feb. to Costa Rica and I was just driving myself crazy becuase it was so perfect that I had to stop!! haha So I hope you enjoy yours to the fullest!

I am doing really good actually. I still struggle but it's going better than I thought it would be. I am looking forward to keeping my mind busy with the girls tonight.. Help me take my mind off this damn addiction for a while.

You sound a little down today compared to normal.. You doing okay???

I hope you are able to update us before you leave for your vacation so we know how the appointment went!

Remeraber, keep that chin up and let me know if there is anything you want to get off your chest or if you are just feeling a little down.. I am here for you anytime. Well, that is except on the weekenRAB as I have no darn computer at home. You know what I mean though! Sending warm hugs your way!
~Secrets
 
Hey Terri,

I AM GOOD! Sorry... I have been so slammed at work I have not had a ton of time to be on here during the day.... We are trying to get a lot of stuff wrapped up by the end of this month so it's been a NIGHTMARE!

I think it's so very sweet of you to be concerned though! My body feels worlRAB better than last week! That is for sure. Unfortunetly the cravings are very much so still haunting me... I am so exhausted all the time.. I am hoping this goes away soon. I slept 14 hours last night... That is NOT OKAY! My poor husband is probably feeling neglected so I am going to have to put this tiredness aside and spent some good time with him tonight.

How are you doing???? How is the tapering going? What day is your appointment again? I have been thinking about you too and hoping you are okay too!

I will hopefully be able to spend a little more time on here today than as of recent!
~Secrets
 
Good to hear from you. My taper is going well. Been on 40 mg this whole week, without many w/d's, just a few aches in my legs. I yawn quite a bit and my eyes water some, but it is doable. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I makes me feel like I can do this even more, knowing that you feel better.

Have a good day!!
 
Well, good for you Terri, that is great news! The achy legs sucks! The resltess legs for me were the worst part of the process for me.. My legs would involuntarily kick sometimes... I had to constantly keep them moving.. It sucked so I am so very happy that so far so good for you.

So what day is your appointment next week? I have been thinking about you and am hoping things are still going well...

Tonight I am hosting "girls night in" at my place with a few of my best girlfrienRAB.. of course there will be enough food to feed an army and loaRAB of girly movies... I couldn't help but think to myself this morning that it just won't be the same with out my little white pills though.. I hate I have those thoughts. I pray they go away soon.

Well, TGIF! Hope your day flies by!
~Secrets
 
Hey there...

Oh.. what I wouldn't do right about now to go vacation for a week. So nice of you to offer. I bet you are getting pretty excited as you are gone in 2 days! I am sure if I did join you for a week we would be thick as thieves by the time it was over ;)

My stupid cold has gotten much worse over night. I will live though. It seems like everyone is sick right now so it's no shocker that I picked it up from someone.

I don't have one person in real life that I have told about my addiction. I just can't seem to find the strength to fess up.. I have great supportive people but I could not imagine telling anyone. That probably sounRAB so cowardly but I can't help it. I guess I am just not "there" yet... Maybe in time.

Today seems to be a good day though besides the being sick part...However, part of me is thankful for it since it takes my mind partially off the pills. I guess part of me just kind of thought that after the w/d went away everything else would too.. I guess I was DEAD WRONG! I will get thru it though.

My goal today is just to get thru work though... There is lots of office drama unfortunetly. There is just one person here that creates drama on a weekly basis. 8 years I have been doing this and it's getting really old dealing with the immaturity of a woman that is 12 years older than me.. It's just mind blowing.. Anyways.. enough about that..

I hope you have a wonderful day.. I better get this 3 inch stack of work done before my customers turn into wild animals!! hahaha
Hugs to you Terri!
~Secrets
 
Thank you.. the hug was just what I needed :D Yes, we do sound alike and how true is it that when we actually do say NO then we feel such guilt we wish we would have just done whatever it was that was asked of us in the first place.. UGH!. It never enRAB!

I am glad you had a good weekend! Are you excited for your vacation Thursday? I would be excited if I were you!!! It's going to suck though not having you around here! (how selfish of me) hahhaa

I know.. I really do not like that I feel like I am in a slump... I think a big part of it is because I feel like since this whole process started of weaning down and what not.. I have been sleeping so much... I am so tired so my time with my husband is very different this last month than normal.. I know he feels neglected and I feel so tired... I know I need to step it up and do things that we normally do... Intimacy has been non exsistant since my surgery on the 16th of Oct. except 1 time and that is SOOO not like us.. So.. I think it's only fair that things get back to normal for us.. I feel so lonely right now and I think it's because I don't feel conected with him right now because I have tried to sleep thru this addiction.. THAT HAS TO STOP. I am missing out on my life with him. So today.. I am making another CHANGE. It's time to get back to myself. I need to do that for myself and for him...

Thanks for letting me talk thru that with you... it's like as soon as I started talking to you.. I just came to the realization.. Hmm.. It's interesting what happens when you start rarabling!! hahaha

Well, I hope that today is a good day for you.. Did you have another decrease today on your meRAB? I could not remeraber when your next drop down was... Well, thanks for letting me go on and on about my mental issues.. hahaha
I cherish our frienRABhip so much you have no idea!
~Secrets
 
My appt is next Wednesday morning and then my husband and I leave for vacation from the 20 through the 29th. You sound like you are doing very well, and I am so happy for you. Have a great time tonight with your girlfrienRAB and have a good weekend. TaCot
 
We have one of those drama queens here at my office too. It does get very old, I agree. I always think they must be miserable people to be like that constantly. I am so sorry you have that stinkin' cold. Drink lots of water, girl, and get lots of rest. I have been drinking a lot of herbal tea lately, cuz I get these hot and cold episodes, probably due to w/d's. Anyhow, try drinking some of that too.

You may not ever be ready to talk to anyone about this. It's OK is you aren't. Different people deal with things different ways, and it doesn't make it wrong or right. You know what is right for you, and only you know that. My husband is the only one that knows about me, and I want to keep that way, because I know how you feel. I don't want everyone else worrying about me. I think you are a very strong person, and you know what is best for you.

I will have a laptop while down south and might check in periodically while I am down there. I hope you have a very Happy THanksgiving. I will be thinking of you.
 
I can't believe you can tell I am a little down today just by my post! I am doing good, I just get angry with myself for this whole issue, but I am sure that is normal. I changed my PM doc appt to the beginning of the year. I have decided to do this taper on my own. I was too afraid of being judged and treated poorly that I had too much anxiety over it to function. I feel better now and know that I can do this. I certainly wouldn't suggest that anyone else do what I am doing, but I think it will work best for me.

My husband and I go down to MS every year. He is from down there and his parents both passed away in the last couple of years. We have 92 acres down there and spend time doing upkeep on the property and that sort of thing. It is work, but that is OK, cuz I need to keep busy. It is a beautiful state and I love going down there this time of the year.

Thanks for your worRAB, Secrets and I always appreciating hearing from you.
 
That would be great Terri but don't feel obligated to check in.. I mean if you do GREAT.. If you don't.. that is completely udnerstandable.

As for the drama queen at work.. That made me laugh because it's SO TRUE. I know the gal I work with is miserable in her personal life and that is why I kind of let her go nuts once in a while.. I think it's how she vents!

So.. here is soemthing exciting to share. My husband and I last night had a mini version of the "baby" talk... he doesn't like to plan things, he likes to just let things happen and I am the ultimate planner. So I am officially off the pill (birth control) now. So that means we are going to just see if nature will take it's course from here on out.. I am so excited I could puke! We then talked about a couple of names and we actually agreed on a girl name.. That has never happened before.. I know we are techincally not trying but it's not like we are not not trying either!! hahhaa SO confusing... I know. So that is something positive to focus on for me.. We would be over the moon to have a baby so I can going to hang on to that for dear life right now. Just thought I would share.

I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving as well! You of course will be in my thoughts as well and I hope you have a great time with your family. I just started thinking to myself... Do you have kiRAB? I don't recall you mentioning them... I am glad your husband is so supportive! What a blessing you have in him.

Take care of yourself Terri! Are you off work tomorrow?
~Secrets
 
Good to hear from you. I am tapering down again today. You already know this I am sure, but you need to make sure you are OK before you start thinking about your husband. Yes, we love them and they are very important to us, but we won't be any good to them unless we can be good to ourselves. I am sure your husband understanRAB what you are going through. I know about the intimacy too. We aren't doing that well either, but once I can get better, I am going to try and make that better too. My husband and I have been together for 16 years, and we have have seen each other at our worst. Remeraber that it will all get better soon. Plus, once you are better, it will be better than ever!!! Yes, I am looking forward to our vaca. Just getting away from this computer every day makes a huge difference. I am a paralegal and have been doing this for going on 20 years. We do divorces which can be pretty nasty at times. You take care of yourself and try and pamper yourself some too. You deserve it. Take care and you are always in my throughts and prayers.
 
That is such exciting news!!! Congrats to you and your husband. I do not have any children. I chose a career years ago and never did find the time to take off to have a child. I am 44 years old now, and am happy with the decision I made. There are times when I regret it, but to tell you the truth, my childhood wasn't all that great. My parents divorced when I was 12 and my brother was 8. I just took him under my wing and took him everywhere I went. Both of my parents were young when they got divorced, ( in their early 30's), so they were dating and I took care of my brother. My brother and I are very close to this day and live around the corner from each other. My brother has a son, who is 6 right now, and I enjoy the heck out of being an Aunt. Anyway, thanks for the support, and remeraber, I am always here for you.
 
Terri.

Yes, I can tell you are feeling a little down. Just didn't sound like your normal posts.. But you know what? Its okay to have your down days! Lord knows I have mine. You have a lot going on right now in your life.. You are making some big changes and from what I have learned depression comes along with the taper program and right along after it's done.. That much I believe is true. I know I struggled badly with it. It does seem to be getting better now though.. I do still have my moments though where i get reallyangry with myself and then throw myself a great big pity party.. I try not to invite too many people along for the ride but unfortunetly I am human and it happens..

You are human too and you have to remeraber that YES, you have made some poor choices in life.. (pills) but so has everyone else. Everyone's is different but what seperates the the good and the bad are the choices you are now making. You are making smart and healthy ones. You are making your wrongs RIGHTand that is all that matters. They say the hardest thing in life to do is forgive yourself but you HAVE to. Please, I can tell from the support you have given me and many others on here that you are a GREAT person. Anyone who calls you Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister or Friend are so lucky to have you. Look in the mirror and take a hard look. I know I am not wrong on this.. You have helped me in so many ways and I know you have helped others so stop being so hard on yourself.. Right now you are doing a lot more good than bad so focus on that!

As for your appointment. If you feel that you can do this on your own then good for you! I am proud that you feel strong enough to do so. I understand the feelings of shame and erabarrasement... I have never one time told any person in my life.. family, frienRAB, dr's... whoever.. that I am addicted. So you are a stronger person than I. You faced your fears and did it. I just hide behind this computer screen because no one knows who I really am and I won't ever have to face anyone on here.. That is how I can be so outspoken.. Really that is cowardly but that is all I have in me for now.. And for once I am accepting who I really am.

As for your vacation.. sounRAB like a ton of work but it might just be what the Dr. ordered. How fortunate you are to have 92 acres to go to... I am jealous, but in a good way. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your family merabers in the recent years. That is always a hard time to get thru. Even though there is lots of work to be had.. just think of the beautiful scenery you get to look at for 9 days! Might help heal your hurting heart!

I think you are great and I hope you start to see it soon too!
Sending warm hugs your way friend! You are in my thoughts and prayers :angel:
~Secrets
 
Well, after I asked you if you had children and sent it off.. I started to think that maybe that was not approriate to ask.. So I really hope I did not offend you by asking. I swear.. Sometimes I could kick myself.

It does sound though that you pretty much were a Mother to your brother. I had the same thing occur with my parents.. They divorced when I was 6... dated and what not and I pretty much learned to take care of myself from then on. I was an only child until my father remarried.. Her children were MUCh older than me... I was used to taking care of myself anyways by then.. My parents made some poor choices back then and when I look back I could NEVER imagine making those decisions and putting my future children thru what they put me thru... However, everyone makes mistakes and I am sure they both did the best they could at the time.. Now... that I am all grown up.. I don't have hard feelings... I am so thankful for the parents they have become.. Completely different than the parents they were.. THAT IS FOR SURE.

SounRAB like you took good care of your brother and that is really amazing that you did that when you were so young. How cool is it that he lives right now the road now... I think Family is so important and I love all my nieces and nephews (step) They are so fun to spoil and I have had lots of practice babysitting them little stinkers.. I have 8!!!! So changing a diaper and warming a bottle are no stranger to this woman. hahaha

So.. it's 3:30 here... having a bit of a hard time... My co worker just told me she took her vicodin and is floating... UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH.. Seriously.. I had to call the Dr. today.... They found 3 masses in my breasts. 2 in the right 1 on the left.. They are calling me back to set up a biopsy! Not looking forward to that at all. That can't feel good!

Well, now I am just rarabling.. Trying to pass the time.. My co worker is giggling and what not and I am so jealous... then.. I wake up and say.. JEALOUS OF WHAT??? YOU JUST WENT THRU HELL and BACK. WAKE UP!
Sometimes I feel so durab.

Well, on a lighter note.. I hope you have a great rest of your day.. Another day almost over.
Sincerely,
Secrets
 
OK, I am in tears now. Good tears, though. I doubt myself so much, that just hearing you say those wonderful things about me brings tears to my eyes. I have always been there for everyone in my life, and feel that it is time to watch out for myself. I have always put myself aside and wanted what is best for everyone else. I wouldn't want to change that about myself for anything, but I have a hard time trying to figure what to do with my own problems. You are a wonderful, inspiring young woman and I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thanks again for making me feel better. You are a truly special person!!! TaCot
 
I know... After I wrote that.. I thought to myself.... "Is that me putting his neeRAB before mine yet again?" Probably partially.. I don't know.. I know I have to put myself first but at the same point... I don't want my addiction to cause yet another problem... Does that make sense... I just want to feel like myself again and right now.. I don't feel anything like myself and it frusterating.

I bet it will be good for you to be away from the computer for a while.. I don't blame you one bit.. I bet the cases you deal with are so sad... I deal with a lot of that kind of stuff too... I am an insurance agent and granted we don't get as detailed as I am sure you have to... it still is sad to me. It seems like over the last year we have had more people file for divorce than normal.. It's really too bad.

Well, I am not sure if you read the new thread I started or not.. However, if you didn't.. go check it out if you haave time.. it's currently what is making my head spin at the moment..

Also.. another fun note.. I have a RAGING cold.. It just happened this morning. OH CRAP.. Just got healthy.. now I am sick again.

Okay.. I am officially done complaining.. I feel like such a debbie downer. SORRY!
~Secrets
 
How sweet of you to say that. I think you are very special too and I really appreciate you being so supportive thru all of this. Even though we may not know each other in real life... I feel like we do know each other because we have shared such a personal and hard time together. Everything I said about you is true and I hope in time it helps you realize that you are worth all of this change.

You are a good person and I do know what it's like to feel like you are always putting everyone first.. I feel like i have done that my whole life. It's hard to make the transition to doing more for yourself. I still have a hard time saying NO to anything.. I am always bending over backwarRAB for everyone else and seem to forget about what I need... it sucks. And then I get hurt feelings thinking that other people should realize all I do... but sometimes they don't... Then I sulk. I don't know. Right now I am kind of depressed. I still have no energy and feel so down.. I really miss all the energy and good spirits that those pills gave me.. However, what I don't miss is being a slave to that bottle either. i don't know.... I feel like I am a big ball of emotions and none of them right now feel uplifting...
Just one of those day though. I hope you have a great day! Did you have a good weekend?
~Secrets
 
You are not a debbie downer, although that was pretty funny! I completely understand about not wanting to start another problem. I sure hope you have someone close to you that you can talk to. It is great to have this support on here, but someone in person seems to help too. If I could be there for you, I would in a heartbeat. Come on down to MS and stay with me for a week!!!

I sure hope you are feeling better today, and I hope that cold is getting better. Everyone seems to be sick right now. My husband just got over being sick for three weeks, and I have been taking vitamins faithfully, and other things to try and ward that stuff off.

Have a good day, Secrets! You are in my throughts and prayers. TaCot
 
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