This is going to be long. And I don't know if it belongs here because it covers Life Sucks, Insignifigant Others and The Dearly Detested. So I apologize Mods if I've screwed up.
This is also going to sound like a fucking pity party, and it probobly is. I'm just going crazy and no one knows. So I will spill my guts to you since I don't know any of you and I just really don't want to go to any of my friends and talk about all this shit.
Life sucks on all levels for me right now. Except for my kids, the reason I'm hanging on to sanity. But dammit my hands are getting numb from hanging on so long. I've gotten into a depression I just can't shake and for the first time I'm scaring me. Not that I'm suicidal, but I just don't care anymore if I wake up tomorrow.
My job is mundane. I make too much to leave, but not enough to survive on. I'm trying to find something better. I will find something, I know. My job is just a small factor in everything but its still contributing.
I live with my ex husband as a roommate. He is still one of my best friends, but I want my own space. The plus is the kids don't have 2 homes. But I want my own home. This is another small factor. Building up to bigger things.
Broke up or was broken up with my ex boyfriend earlier this spring. And while I have come to realize I don't want him, I miss having someone. Now I could have a boyfriend, but I don't get that feeling for anyone I date. I don't know maybe I'm not letting myself. Kinda feel like a dog chasing its tail. I want a relationship, but I don't because I'm scared. Scared I'm going to get hurt or hurt them. I am upfront and tell guys I don't want anything serious, that I am really too angry and too hurt to be someone that they could have a healthy relationship with right now. But it happens, after a couple of months they want to be exclusive and I just can't do it.
Okay here is where it gets really personal. Like I said I don't know any of you, so thats probobly why I can put this down.
Ever since the stress of my breakup I started having nightmares. It's about when I was a kid. My mother died when I was 6. My dad was an alcoholic who chose to drink instead of be a father. I was my dad's princess. I was his only daughter. He may of been drunk, but he would sit and play dolls with me for hours. He had the time, he stayed home and drank while my mother literally worked herself to death.
When my mom died I went to live with my aunt and her husband. The first night I was there I was taking a bath and saw a face in the window. Scared the shit outta me. I started screaming and my aunt came in. I told her what I saw and she told me my uncle was the only one out there and he wouldn't be looking in. Yeah, right. I lived with them for the next eight years, with him after me. I told once when I was 7 and she told him "not to do it again". That lasted a week and then it was worse. Finally when I was 14 I threatened to tell so they sent me to live with their son and his wife. They liked to party all the time so I was a great babysitter and housekeeper. But at least no one touched me. My dad died a few years later. I hadn't seen him since the day of my moms funeral. I'm still so angy with him.
Anyway my nightmares are about my uncle. I don't have anything to do with him, but when I get stressed he's what I dream about. I've started having drinks before I go to bed at night so I will sleep, but I don't want to be like my dad.
And no one knows. I am the fun girl you can party and laugh with. You wouldn't think anything bothers me.
I am the friend my friends come to with their problems. One friend is dealing with her own break up, my ex husband can't get his girlfriend to leave her husband (go figure), a guy I used to date who is now an close friend, his fiance dropped him this week. And all the while I listen I'm screaming inside.
I am going to go see a therapist or psychiatrist about this, but I have a problem telling people in person what happened during my childhood. I'm smart enough to know it wasn't my fault, but you still feel the humility.
I'm hoping getting this all out here will help. You know, kinda like sucking poison out of a wound. I rarely lean on anyone for help.
I just read through it and it is a fucking pity party, but I'm going to put it out anyway. Just when you have gone through tough shit, how did you make it?
This is also going to sound like a fucking pity party, and it probobly is. I'm just going crazy and no one knows. So I will spill my guts to you since I don't know any of you and I just really don't want to go to any of my friends and talk about all this shit.
Life sucks on all levels for me right now. Except for my kids, the reason I'm hanging on to sanity. But dammit my hands are getting numb from hanging on so long. I've gotten into a depression I just can't shake and for the first time I'm scaring me. Not that I'm suicidal, but I just don't care anymore if I wake up tomorrow.
My job is mundane. I make too much to leave, but not enough to survive on. I'm trying to find something better. I will find something, I know. My job is just a small factor in everything but its still contributing.
I live with my ex husband as a roommate. He is still one of my best friends, but I want my own space. The plus is the kids don't have 2 homes. But I want my own home. This is another small factor. Building up to bigger things.
Broke up or was broken up with my ex boyfriend earlier this spring. And while I have come to realize I don't want him, I miss having someone. Now I could have a boyfriend, but I don't get that feeling for anyone I date. I don't know maybe I'm not letting myself. Kinda feel like a dog chasing its tail. I want a relationship, but I don't because I'm scared. Scared I'm going to get hurt or hurt them. I am upfront and tell guys I don't want anything serious, that I am really too angry and too hurt to be someone that they could have a healthy relationship with right now. But it happens, after a couple of months they want to be exclusive and I just can't do it.
Okay here is where it gets really personal. Like I said I don't know any of you, so thats probobly why I can put this down.
Ever since the stress of my breakup I started having nightmares. It's about when I was a kid. My mother died when I was 6. My dad was an alcoholic who chose to drink instead of be a father. I was my dad's princess. I was his only daughter. He may of been drunk, but he would sit and play dolls with me for hours. He had the time, he stayed home and drank while my mother literally worked herself to death.
When my mom died I went to live with my aunt and her husband. The first night I was there I was taking a bath and saw a face in the window. Scared the shit outta me. I started screaming and my aunt came in. I told her what I saw and she told me my uncle was the only one out there and he wouldn't be looking in. Yeah, right. I lived with them for the next eight years, with him after me. I told once when I was 7 and she told him "not to do it again". That lasted a week and then it was worse. Finally when I was 14 I threatened to tell so they sent me to live with their son and his wife. They liked to party all the time so I was a great babysitter and housekeeper. But at least no one touched me. My dad died a few years later. I hadn't seen him since the day of my moms funeral. I'm still so angy with him.
Anyway my nightmares are about my uncle. I don't have anything to do with him, but when I get stressed he's what I dream about. I've started having drinks before I go to bed at night so I will sleep, but I don't want to be like my dad.
And no one knows. I am the fun girl you can party and laugh with. You wouldn't think anything bothers me.
I am the friend my friends come to with their problems. One friend is dealing with her own break up, my ex husband can't get his girlfriend to leave her husband (go figure), a guy I used to date who is now an close friend, his fiance dropped him this week. And all the while I listen I'm screaming inside.
I am going to go see a therapist or psychiatrist about this, but I have a problem telling people in person what happened during my childhood. I'm smart enough to know it wasn't my fault, but you still feel the humility.
I'm hoping getting this all out here will help. You know, kinda like sucking poison out of a wound. I rarely lean on anyone for help.
I just read through it and it is a fucking pity party, but I'm going to put it out anyway. Just when you have gone through tough shit, how did you make it?
