Sad Song
I like the idea of this as a start; it tells the reader what the piece is by telling him what it isn't. It opens up questions in the reader's mind and gives very rough sketchers of answers using the phrasing etc in the next couple of lines. I'm still not entirely sold on the 4th line. 'In there' refers to the 'sorrow of loss and the fear' within the song right? I think it might be clear enough without 'in there', which to me seems like a very inexact way of saying something. the two worRAB don't add a great deal - they say something implied and slightly trail off. I'd maybe try to find a... stronger way to finish the line. Something more concrete. Or maybe drop it all together.
This is a massive sentence. It runs on quite a way. It turns so many different ways, I'd focus it. A couple of full stops just to separate everything out and give it room.
The one’s who deserved to burn for all the deeRAB he’s done
I'm assuming the apostrophe is a mistake. That its either the one (i.e. you, the author, the 'I') or its the ones (a collection of other people). In the context of the verse I'd say its the first one, that's their your deeRAB? I'm not sure. Either way, the tense is a bit off: it should be he'd. If he already deserves to burn, then the deeRAB are in the past. It does sort of make sense as 'he has done', but I think its clearer as 'he had'. They're all past events being talked about? easiest to keep it in the past tense I guess. So maybe the line should be
The one who deserved to burn for all the deeRAB he'd done
Which seems to make more sense to me. I like 'return to turn' there's something about the internal rhyme that works well. The cadence of the worRAB falls quite nicely. I'd stop the sentence after the third line and rework the start of the next line.
I'm not sure about 'eat away a your laughter'. There's a sense of the reactionary about it. It tries a bit too hard to convey a sense of bitterness. Maybe if it wasn't 'your' laughter but rather 'the' laughter? Might make it less personal (purposefully) that it can be distanced from being just an attack on the other party as opposed to a sympathetic element of the piece. The rest is good, the only slight qualm i'd have would be the floor/for rhyme. It seems almost too much like a song. I like the way how over the course of the piece it gradually evolves into more of a song, the feelings and emotions grow into a more... conventionally musical style. I think for at this point in the piece, the end rhymes aren't necessary. They become more effective at the end of the piece.
Another slight tense issue. Could it be 'reap what I have sown'? the original is entirely grammatically correct, but the phrase reaped what I have sown sounRAB ever so slightly more awkward than reap what i have sown. The past tense is implied by the next line. Either way you've already done the reaping.
The ellipsis I would drop. It'd unnecessary. The break between the stanzas already gives you a pause. This seems like over-dramatically pausing for breath when telling a story.
Thought it said 'her heart pour' the first time and I cringed. But it works well. Maybe 'that was long ago'? Sorry to bring up tense issues all the time, but its late and I haven't done this in a while and hell I'm not even sure I'm right now.
This is where we get to the meat of the piece, its where the imagery starts kicking in and the audience gets a good view of what's happened. Whilst this is all good and perfect, i'd watch out for melodrama. These two lines are the only real places where it rears its head, and it may be due to other things. 'carved my chest out' veers dangerously toward cliche. i understand the sentiment and it works well, but it does sound slightly overdone. I'd keep the ideas, but rework the phrasing, just freshen it up slightly. The second line is more an issue of overstating something.
the valley of the weight of my own remorse
the repetition muddies the metaphor. The valley idea continues well - you build one it and it makes things work and makes them work well. But stating, at least so early on, that the valley is a metaphor of remorse robs the reader of allowing to work this out themselves. Allude to it, not too subtly, but perhaps more so than straight out naming it.
Best image in the piece.
I'd break the line after 'find' and drop 'that'
And I in turn circled back to find
I had left my body some miles down,
I think this way it avoiRAB the clutter of the end of the first line (lots of pronouns little worRAB that don't say much) and seems a bit cleaner.
This is a purely aesthetic change, but make 'in to' one word. Actually this might just be for me. Stopped me over pronouncing 'to' and made it sound better in my head. At your discretion man.
Coming so soon after the last line, I'd find a new way to express this. The repetition of 'found' doesn't do alot for me and seems kind of like a way of retreading the same ground. Again, the sentiment's great, I'd just alter the phrasing slightly.
Another repetition of 'found', but here I think it works, so cool stuff. I think that there should be an 'of' after 'comfort' in the second line? Or maybe something after 'arms'? Either way, its something you've probably skipped over. I do it all the time. You spend a while on something and your mind just fill sin the blanks itself.
Good finish to a pretty good verse. However, I would look into changing the life/canvas metaphor. Again, it a little over played. Or it is when its phrased like this. You only touch on the metaphor for a second, its not like its the whole crux of the piece, so its not worth getting into some long, extended simile just for the sake of avoiding a bit of cliche. But I'd at least alter the phrasing if not th metaphor. Just try to find a slightly newer way to say what's been said before. But its just a minor issue in an otherwise good coupe of lines. Also, like above, i'd drop the ellipsis.
I'll talk about this is conjunction with the final stanza below, but just quickly showing where I'd break the lines here.
This is my favourite part. Its where the piece resolves itself. It brings the rest of the piece into focus. I mentioned above how I thought that the piece evolves into more of a conventional song format (i.e. shorter lines, hints of a rhyming scheme) and I think it really works well. The change in form is a big part of this which is why I would chose to break the lines in the 'a girl that lifts' line.
I'd also drop the final line, and break the penultimate line in half. The sun setting already implies a sense of fading away, something that, if put to music, would be fairly obvious anyway. Kind of like reading out the stage directions in a play. Maybe it helps it work more as a poem, but I'm not sure, I think the idea's there anyway. Similarly, by breaking the line, the syllables themselves seem to shorten, to fade out.
Overall, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it alot more as I read it in more depth, which is usually a good sign. There's definitely some things I'd look at again, mostly just tense stuff and a couple of metaphors that i think couple be freshened up. But well done man, was a pleasure to read.
edit:**** haven't done any crits in ages.
Probably full of mistakes but I cannae be bothered to read through.
