Return to rehab program or move out

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Seagullmama

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Well, he is gone now. He says his friend doesn't party like he used to and lives with his step-sister and another friend. They will let him stay rent-free until he gets a job and paycheck. My son doesn't want to go back to drugs, but, as a 20 yr. old, he's having a very hard time with the alcohol-free for the rest of his life. He just doesn't seem ready to do that. He told me he had a beer during the Super Bowl. There's a part of me that wants him to be in that small percentage of addicts who can do that, but he had such a behavior change after the "nitro" sniffing...I don't know. He just told us that he was so tired of rehab and he is lonely. I can understand that, but he threw away all support by us because he wouldn't go back and finish. It seemed like a no-brainer choice to us. His parting worRAB to me were that he loved me and he would let me know if he changed his mind, and maybe this would help him to grow up and be a man.

My heart feels like it's going to explode because he views this as us throwing him out...that is very painful to me. Probably more than to him. We listened to the professionals and the posts here made me feel better about my decision, but my heart is very unsettled.

Thanks again for all the support. You are lovely people out there for taking the time to help me.
 
SounRAB to me like he is softening....hang in there. I have been in your shoes and it is soooo hard. But you can't fix him. My son checked into small 12 step program called Serenity Park....he did not have his truck there or he prob would have left the first day. He stuck it out and man was it worth it. but he was ready. No one forced him. He did it on his own. I started attending the AA meetings and learning about the 12 steps...I was amazed. I learned so much about people who are addicts. There is "always" an underlying issue. this program got to the problem, he made a plan to let it all go, lots of praying and counseling. This 24 yr old son of mine is a different person!!!! I am amazed...but it wasn't me that did it, I couldn't. He had to. And that's why it works...but you have to work it every single day!! those meetings made me feel better because i got some education and facts......try it for yourself. Sweet and caring people.....
 
My 20 yr. old son is on his 3rd rehab for opiate addiction. He first tried an outpatient, then did 30 days inpatient, and lastly, (relapsing after both programs; released from the outpatient because he used; left the 2nd program earlier than they recommended) he agreed to a 120 day program for young men at Betty Ford. (very expensive).

After 60 days, his counselors decided he could be released to a sober living situation after 90 days because he "got it" and was doing to well.(that would be 3 weeks away) In the last few weeks, he has had his car there and was given the privilege of driving other "trustworthy" young men around, rather than always go in the van. The philosophy is earned freedom to practice it while they are there.

This week they learned that my son and others were sniffing "nitro" whatever, the stuff they use in whipped cream. They did it a few times. They wanted to bump him back a level to stabilize and remove the privilege of the car. He refused and checked himself out and drove home last night.

We were advised by several in the professional rehab. community to set an ultimatum. We did that this morning. We praised him for all the good work, but told him we were frighened for him, and were witnessing some old addictive behaviors. (minimizing, denial, lying) Go back and finish, or be out on your own. He told us he wasn't going back, and he packed his bags and left.

I think that tough love was the right thing to do because he is not in full healthy recovery yet, but thinks he can work his own program now. In the past we would give him that chance, but he has not fully completed 3 programs now.

I am in agony over this ultimatum (have never felt so much Mom pain!) and hoping to hear success stories with similar circumstances if anyone is willing to share.

Thank you...
 
So true, Reach! You remeraber my story I am sure, and things have turned out so well. Keep the faith, love'em, and leave'em if need be....but keep praying for them, and loving them!
 
Hello

I have not been in your shoes and can only you offer you my thoughts. I believe with all my heart that you have done the right thing. Absolutley, totally and without a doubt.

My mom experience tells me that Son is not yet ready to truly deal with the problem and is fighting anyone, anywhere telling him what to do. Some rebellion going on with him still I do believe.

I have abused and misused drugs and crossed the line into addiction myself. I do know that when we become ready to truly work on the problem, we are more than willing to listen and heed what the professionals tell us. We do whatever it takes to get clean and find sobriety in out lives. It doesn't look like Son has reached that point yet.

I am sorry for your hurt. I have no doubt you love your son and ache that he is hiding all the wonderful and special parts of himself with his drug behaviour. However, you are doing the true job of a parent and we all know how hard that can be sometimes. Love him, but stand your ground. Stand strong.

All best wishes and hope
reach
 
Reach, I believe your worRAB about falling back into family are very true for my son. He has a large family, young and old, who love him and support him. Thank you...

Flintrock mom...I would love to hear your story. Do you have it saved somewhere? It was comforting to read that your 24 yr. old is a different person now.
 
Well, the tough love worked! He came back. In fact, he returned within 24 hours. Said that he was scared and needed to go back. The entire 5-day journey was a nightmare and a God episode all at once. Came home a miserable and broken young man. He is back in rehab. He took his Bible with him and called his sponsor right away. I woke up with such great hope this morning. I know that it is his journey to walk, and it is mine to pray, trust and get myself well and strong. (have lost a lot of weight) Maybe(hopefully) this was the bottom he needed.

Again, I am so grateful for those of you who responded with worRAB of experience and encouragement. It has become glaringly obvious the nurabers of people affected by this pandemic of addiction, and it is now part of my life story and purpose to be able to share with others in the future like you have with me. God bless you!
 
Hi

I think reading Flintrock's story would be very inspiring for you. Flint went through terrible turmoil with her boy. However, she remained steadfast throughout it. Her determination and courage when things were rough are a testament on dealing with addiction as the caregiver watching the destruction take place. The pieces all came together once again after a lot of hard work by all.

To read her story, sign in, click on Flintrock's name and go to "find other posts. Then read from the last post forward. Truly a story of hope.

Enjoy the read.... it is so worthwhile.

Hugs
reach
 
that is absolutely wonderful!!!!! You guys are in my prayers. please keep us posted. you are now part of our family......thank you Lord!!:angel:
 
Seagull, I AM in your shoes, only my son is 30 and now in jail....having skipped out on the last rehab....after which, he wanted me to "wire" him bus money to get back home, even though there was a warrant for him here and he would've ended up in jail anyway. I refused and told him to go back to rehab. I don't know what happened from there, but he's now in a county jail. And had the nerve to write me a hate letter for not sending him the darn bus money. I try my best not to think about it....there's nothing I can do, and I'll just get more upset. You did the right thing, as you can't keep enabling him....but I understand how despondent and worried-sick you feel. I can't let my son come back here, as he was lying and stealing from me at the end. I helped him get into rehab, and told him he was on his own from there. I know there are support groups out there, but so far, I haven't wanted to even talk about it. Perhaps they would help you though. Otherwise, stay strong and I hope it helps to know that many, many others are in your shoes.
 
Hi

Sharing in your excitement and hope with this turnabout! I know your step is a bit lighter today. Continue to stand strong in your convictions. Keep the house rules intact always... we all need guidelines to live by and for young people it is most important. Will they always follow them? No way, Jose! However, family ties are a powerful force and usually we all fall back in place to remain a part of the family. It looks like Son feared greatly the life he was going to have outside the safety net of Family. The rules out in the world are everchanging and uncertain. When as parents we keep consistency in our core beliefs and practices, most kiRAB will eventaully say, There is no place like home."

Wishing you peace
reach
 
Well, my son has been back in rehab for 5 days now. Had to go back to the drawing board of Step I and had a very sad weekend. (especially due to Valentine's Day I believe) Grieving the "using" girlfriend of 2 years, though he knows it was not a healthy relationship. I can hear despair in his voice and I've just been praying so hard.

Yesterday I was feeling a lot of hope and strength, and today I woke up so sad for him. I have President's Day off, but maybe it would be better if I was working. I read my devotional, the Bible, and I prayed, and I just can't shake this sadness. I do trust God. I just want my son to, and it's that part that I don't trust. He's so stubborn, and I'm scared about that.

I'm going to walk my dog, work in the yard, and go for a bike ride. I don't think I mentioned that my husband(My son's stepdad), and I are separated, a partial by-product of the disease, so the weekenRAB can be lonely and give me too much time to think. I have girlfrienRAB, but most of them are married, and family in town, so I do have a support system.

Do any of you recall you or your loved one feeling such sadness while in treatment?
 
Thank you so much for caring enough to reply. My son is leaving tonight to go live with a partying friend in another town. He tells us he doesn't see any other options. (manipulating) He can't picture himself finding other sober frienRAB in our town that he will "mesh" with. He feels like we kicked him out, so what other options does he have? (he says) Won't go back to rehab, but would maybe do sober living. He told me that he smoked pot last night, so he relapsed again. We know he neeRAB to go back to rehab, so I guess we have to stick to our word of rehab or not living at home. It's so scary! I'm having to prepare myself for the worst. This is so surreal for me. He's my baby boy!
 
Thank you...yes,I agree that this is a big step in Son's growing up. It's all good, as depressing as it feels to him right now. (and to me!) Feeling a lot better than I was on my last post. Had developed an awful sinus infection that was draining me of energy and, I think, preventing me from feeling the hope I was so searching for. Started on some antibiotics, talked to his counselor today, and know he is in Good HanRAB! I believe the Promise. He is the prodigal, knows he is loved, and we welcome him with open arms when he returns. I have been attending a Wednesday night parent support group called P.A.I.N. (Prescription Abusers in Need) Tonight's the night, and I look forward to sharing our latest adventure, and supporting others in their season of addiction. It's just a pandemic in our area. So far I can always tell who the moms of Oxy users are. They just seem to have the same facial expressions and body language when they enter. Just drained! It's a monster...but then all drugs are when abused.
 
Hi

I am glad to hear son seems to be willing to stick it out this time. If he truly throws himself into the program, it will be a time of much emotion for him. In getting clean, we must first own up to the hurt we caused others along the way and deal with it. A lot of guilt to rid oneself of so we can move on. Of course he will be sad as he is leaving a life he has been used to with his using. We have to say adios to all frienRAB, no matter how close, that are a part of the destructive narcotic use. Then, we have to delve into the reasons behind our use. This is probably the most painful of all for an addict. As Flint has written, there is always an issue behind the using. With help, we can come to the core problem and deal with it, whether it be grief or pain or abuse, etc. It must be dealt with to maintain sobriety.

I know you are sad for him. You are a Mom. As Mom's, we always want only the happiest and best for our children no matter how old they are. Many young people have turned away or turned off some of the very basics of our own beliefs, the ones we so want to instill in them. We can not talk them into it or bribe them into it. We can only provide an example in our behaviour for them to witness and hopefully take in and use someday. Come
back to the path like the Promise, you know?

I think Son has taken a step in his growing up here by making the choice to return to treatment. There is much to be thankful for in that! Perhaps considering attending some Nar-anon meetings would be a good thing. great support from others dealing with the same issues as you.

Take care and keep us posted.

With much hope
reach
 
Seagullmama,

I just got done reading your post and my heart ache's for you. I am a recovering addict myself and I can tell you, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. I am sure as a Mother your heart is in so much pain but you have to understand that no matter what choice you would have made there would be a consequence. If you would have let him stay you would have felt guilty for enabling him. The choice you made will help him in the long run. It may hurt so badly now but a Mother who can make that choice has a love that is undescribable. You very well may have just saved his life. It may not seem like it now and things may get ugly since he is living with a partying friend but he may just find rock bottom a lot quicker and find he is READY for help.

You will be on my mind and in my prayers! You keep posting! Letting it out does help! I promise!

Blessings!
 
That's great news....geez, I wish my son would see the light. I've just had to let him go and hopefully he'll get himself together someday. Glad you found a support group and that it's helping. Please keep us posted on his progress.
 
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