I will try to keep this brief and to the point. I know I should really be asking a psychologist or some other doctor, but it is something that is kind of bothering me and I was hoping for a quicker answer. Also, I would like to know if anyone else has the same concern/issue.
When I was 11-12, I was sexually abused by a family member (not raped). As I got older, I would have rape fantasies. But, as I got even older and started dating, I would be extremely shy and nervous around the guys I was with. When I finally got comfortable enough to fool around with them, it was always by their initiation. And sometimes I would give in and do things that I wasn't comfortable doing yet because I wanted to "please" them. Yet, I never actually had sex with anyone until I met the man that I am currently with, and he waited 3 months until I was ready to have sex with him for the rest time.
Then, in February of this year, I was date-raped by 2 acquaintances that I was sharing a few drinks with.
My concern is, while the actual "rape" fantasies are gone, I still have fantasies about being controlled. When it comes to sex, I love the idea of being submissive. In fact, a very large part of me feels that is my only role, so the idea of doing anything that a man wants me to do, is such a turn-on. Recently, I was introduced to humiliation and even degradation during sex, and I love it. I love cuffs, blind-folds, etc...
I know about bondage and S&M, etc. My question is, why does it turn ME on? After everything that has happened to me, why does the idea of bending to the will of a man excite me? It's not really fair to say that that is the only type of sexual experience I have ever had, because my man and I never engage in that type of sex. We have a very "normal" sex life. Does being molested and sexually assaulted have anything to do with my fantasies?
Sorry to go into so much detail... Thanks in advance for your insight.
When I was 11-12, I was sexually abused by a family member (not raped). As I got older, I would have rape fantasies. But, as I got even older and started dating, I would be extremely shy and nervous around the guys I was with. When I finally got comfortable enough to fool around with them, it was always by their initiation. And sometimes I would give in and do things that I wasn't comfortable doing yet because I wanted to "please" them. Yet, I never actually had sex with anyone until I met the man that I am currently with, and he waited 3 months until I was ready to have sex with him for the rest time.
Then, in February of this year, I was date-raped by 2 acquaintances that I was sharing a few drinks with.
My concern is, while the actual "rape" fantasies are gone, I still have fantasies about being controlled. When it comes to sex, I love the idea of being submissive. In fact, a very large part of me feels that is my only role, so the idea of doing anything that a man wants me to do, is such a turn-on. Recently, I was introduced to humiliation and even degradation during sex, and I love it. I love cuffs, blind-folds, etc...
I know about bondage and S&M, etc. My question is, why does it turn ME on? After everything that has happened to me, why does the idea of bending to the will of a man excite me? It's not really fair to say that that is the only type of sexual experience I have ever had, because my man and I never engage in that type of sex. We have a very "normal" sex life. Does being molested and sexually assaulted have anything to do with my fantasies?
Sorry to go into so much detail... Thanks in advance for your insight.