im 17, when i was 5 my real dad left my mom, he was a drug dealer, meth addict, and a gangbanger, i hate him and last time i spoke to him i was 8, i had a pretty shitty child hood and my mom was no angel either, but she got her **** together and now i been living a pretty good life but i got a few issues here and there, my mom married my stepdad when i was 10 and hes a good man but weve had our problems here and there, mostly because he always treated his biological childeren a little better but hes gotten better at this, and both my parents try there best for me, and ive always had anger and anxiety issues and i am now start seeing a psychologist for this and i will most likely be put on medication and they also suspect i may be ADD
ive always done very well in school despite the ADD but i really hate school, im in a program where i get to take college classes for both highschool and college credits, in this area of my life ive done pretty well and continue to do so, i used to be involved in sports and i wrestled and spent my time skating and ive been an avid marijuana smoker sinc 14, and i think i been self medicating for my issues, during this time i got in a little trouble;; shoplifting, plenty of fist fights, and a few outburst at my teachers but nothing major,
then the recession hit and my parents couldnt pay for me to do sports anymore, my stepdad had to travel a lot more for work, and my family life kinda dissolved but it was never really "bad", but during this time i started smoking weed everyday, i started getting the urge to do bad things, some times i feel i have to prove myself that i can survive the "thug life" i get urges to do things and most of these are acts of impulse, like breaking into cars, ive robbed a few other kids in set up drug deals and i started dealing, i was even close to obtaining a gun but the kid who was going to sell me it sold it to someone else, this lifestyle felt good, it felt like i had power and control over something, but i look at this and i see that its kinda what my real dad did but ive always assured myself im nothing like him cuzz he was a shitty person and fell to addiction and put drugs over us which i have not and ive still always maintained in school, i was caught on 3 different occasions, all drug charges but only for posession, and now my parents are realizing what im doing and theyre worried about me, especially my mom, theyre trying harder to fix our family life, and i want to make them happy and thats why i still do well in school, but i hate school, i feel trapped in a cycle when i go and i look to the future and it seems like ill always be trapped in a cycle, but i also just feel like doing that stuff is something I HAVE to do, i cant help feeling this way, in a ****** up way i love living that type of life, its exciting, its not mundane like everyday normal life, i try to fight these feelings but when i go out, im usually roaming the streets with my friends who i think ive been a bad influence on
im living a double life and im torn between them, i rationalize my actions all the time but im starting to see how much its hurting my family, but i still feel caught between the two, idk why i feel this way i know i shouldnt be doing dumb **** cuzz i got it pretty good now, i might not have the newest clothes or anything but my parents provide for me and i know i got it better than a lot of people but i still cant help but to feel this way, i dont know how to explain this though.
my family also has a deep history of psychological issues, alcoholism runs in both sides of my family, my mom has been depressed before, my sister is bipolar and a lot of my family has had issues with drugs and alcohol, and when i was young, like 5-9, i spent a lot of time with my cousin who was a gangbanger, i feel like im drawn to those types of people now too
so can any one explain to me why i feel this way? if you took your time to read this all i really thank you, i want to get to the bottom of this and why i feel this way, most the time i dont feel like this im just chilled out on marijuana, it keeps me calm
ive always done very well in school despite the ADD but i really hate school, im in a program where i get to take college classes for both highschool and college credits, in this area of my life ive done pretty well and continue to do so, i used to be involved in sports and i wrestled and spent my time skating and ive been an avid marijuana smoker sinc 14, and i think i been self medicating for my issues, during this time i got in a little trouble;; shoplifting, plenty of fist fights, and a few outburst at my teachers but nothing major,
then the recession hit and my parents couldnt pay for me to do sports anymore, my stepdad had to travel a lot more for work, and my family life kinda dissolved but it was never really "bad", but during this time i started smoking weed everyday, i started getting the urge to do bad things, some times i feel i have to prove myself that i can survive the "thug life" i get urges to do things and most of these are acts of impulse, like breaking into cars, ive robbed a few other kids in set up drug deals and i started dealing, i was even close to obtaining a gun but the kid who was going to sell me it sold it to someone else, this lifestyle felt good, it felt like i had power and control over something, but i look at this and i see that its kinda what my real dad did but ive always assured myself im nothing like him cuzz he was a shitty person and fell to addiction and put drugs over us which i have not and ive still always maintained in school, i was caught on 3 different occasions, all drug charges but only for posession, and now my parents are realizing what im doing and theyre worried about me, especially my mom, theyre trying harder to fix our family life, and i want to make them happy and thats why i still do well in school, but i hate school, i feel trapped in a cycle when i go and i look to the future and it seems like ill always be trapped in a cycle, but i also just feel like doing that stuff is something I HAVE to do, i cant help feeling this way, in a ****** up way i love living that type of life, its exciting, its not mundane like everyday normal life, i try to fight these feelings but when i go out, im usually roaming the streets with my friends who i think ive been a bad influence on
im living a double life and im torn between them, i rationalize my actions all the time but im starting to see how much its hurting my family, but i still feel caught between the two, idk why i feel this way i know i shouldnt be doing dumb **** cuzz i got it pretty good now, i might not have the newest clothes or anything but my parents provide for me and i know i got it better than a lot of people but i still cant help but to feel this way, i dont know how to explain this though.
my family also has a deep history of psychological issues, alcoholism runs in both sides of my family, my mom has been depressed before, my sister is bipolar and a lot of my family has had issues with drugs and alcohol, and when i was young, like 5-9, i spent a lot of time with my cousin who was a gangbanger, i feel like im drawn to those types of people now too
so can any one explain to me why i feel this way? if you took your time to read this all i really thank you, i want to get to the bottom of this and why i feel this way, most the time i dont feel like this im just chilled out on marijuana, it keeps me calm