I've been through a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts the past six months. Please help me, please.
My history: When I was a little kid, this girl that lived with my family taught me about sex. I was little and I didn't know any better. She gained my trust not to tell. She told me it "felt good". As a child you believe anything. I never actually had sex but she would sort of take her pants off and I would feel her behind. I don't have any idea WHY but for some FUCKING reason she somehow convinced me to like it. I was eventually asking her if I could feel her and things. She formed a lot of bad habits with me. I should have never trusted her.
This curiosity over sex plagued me my childhood years. I would tell my friends about it. I'd even try to get them to do things. (I guess I thought it was okay seeing how the girl who did it to me got away with it) Again, I hate her.
One day, my friend and I looked through the tv specifically looking for "naked people". How I fucking hate this move of my life. We came across playboy. We would watch it every morning when no one was awake. I think this same year I accidently discovered masturbation. I was very surprised. I felt really good.
A few years later I was playing with some friends. I went to pee in a bush. One of my friends said to her little brother, "haha go see how big his thing is". I let that go by but later for SOME FUCKING reason I confronted her and said, "You've never seen one?". She said no. I asked her if she wanted to. See? That stupid girl taught me bad habits. My friend said okay and I showed her. I then asked her if she wanted to "suck it". My friend was probably curious and agreed. She gave me oral sex. It lasted like 5 seconds, but never the less, it happened.
Over my early teenage years (13-15) I watched porn a lot. It seemed harmless at first. I thought I had it under control. How I wish I had known the truth... over those years I used it more and more. I would also masturbate a lot. I guess every single orgasm I had sort of set the standard each and every time.
The main cause of this? I had no one to tell me this was all wrong and clarify what sex really is.
So how does this affect me now? (Here is where I need your help)
I've had a girlfriend for six months now. I really love her. More than anything in the world. I started to feel guilty about watching porn and masturbating to it because it wasn't the girl I loved. It was hard at first, but I quit porn. Then what? I was left with a very disturbed mind that fantasized every time I saw another girl. So while I never said anything, I did consider that infidelity. Again, I love her. So over the past month I've learned to control these thoughts. I'm not perfect yet, but i'm getting better at it. I also struggled with getting the idea of "all women want a big penis" out of my head. I wish I had never looked it up. I came across this thing that said "only big penises will give a woman that feeling that she is full" I have an average size one. I can't help but to think I'll never be able to please my girlfriend. I'm literally scared of sex now. I used to think that waiting for sex until marriage was the dumbest idea but when i fell in love with her I made a promise to myself I would. The thing is... I don't trust her. Why? Because I can't even trust myself. I already had oral sex performed on me. That makes me feel like shit. I makes me think that someone out there is giving her messed up perceptions about sex and that she might believe them. Things she has said include, "I've been horny for the past four days. It's annoying." and "I think I'm a screw-up. I think it's because of that one guy who I talked to on IM" (That really scares me). Yet here's the catch... one time I mentioned orgasm and she didn't know what it was. I gave her the wikipedia page. It just sort of surprised me she didn't know.... I'm just scared of what she knows, doesn't know, and has been misinformed of. Why? Because I'm a victim, makes me think everyone else is as well. I never had the sex talk and I guess I just sort of found out. Blame my parents for that... also when I masturbate now I don't know what I SHOULD think of. I then try not to think of anything and just about it feeling good but then the penis size issue pops up and I feel just as bad. I can't enjoy anything. Also, how would I go about talking to my girlfriend about sex and what she thinks of it? So that way we can set down some rules and agreements. We're both from nice catholic families.
My history: When I was a little kid, this girl that lived with my family taught me about sex. I was little and I didn't know any better. She gained my trust not to tell. She told me it "felt good". As a child you believe anything. I never actually had sex but she would sort of take her pants off and I would feel her behind. I don't have any idea WHY but for some FUCKING reason she somehow convinced me to like it. I was eventually asking her if I could feel her and things. She formed a lot of bad habits with me. I should have never trusted her.
This curiosity over sex plagued me my childhood years. I would tell my friends about it. I'd even try to get them to do things. (I guess I thought it was okay seeing how the girl who did it to me got away with it) Again, I hate her.
One day, my friend and I looked through the tv specifically looking for "naked people". How I fucking hate this move of my life. We came across playboy. We would watch it every morning when no one was awake. I think this same year I accidently discovered masturbation. I was very surprised. I felt really good.
A few years later I was playing with some friends. I went to pee in a bush. One of my friends said to her little brother, "haha go see how big his thing is". I let that go by but later for SOME FUCKING reason I confronted her and said, "You've never seen one?". She said no. I asked her if she wanted to. See? That stupid girl taught me bad habits. My friend said okay and I showed her. I then asked her if she wanted to "suck it". My friend was probably curious and agreed. She gave me oral sex. It lasted like 5 seconds, but never the less, it happened.
Over my early teenage years (13-15) I watched porn a lot. It seemed harmless at first. I thought I had it under control. How I wish I had known the truth... over those years I used it more and more. I would also masturbate a lot. I guess every single orgasm I had sort of set the standard each and every time.
The main cause of this? I had no one to tell me this was all wrong and clarify what sex really is.
So how does this affect me now? (Here is where I need your help)
I've had a girlfriend for six months now. I really love her. More than anything in the world. I started to feel guilty about watching porn and masturbating to it because it wasn't the girl I loved. It was hard at first, but I quit porn. Then what? I was left with a very disturbed mind that fantasized every time I saw another girl. So while I never said anything, I did consider that infidelity. Again, I love her. So over the past month I've learned to control these thoughts. I'm not perfect yet, but i'm getting better at it. I also struggled with getting the idea of "all women want a big penis" out of my head. I wish I had never looked it up. I came across this thing that said "only big penises will give a woman that feeling that she is full" I have an average size one. I can't help but to think I'll never be able to please my girlfriend. I'm literally scared of sex now. I used to think that waiting for sex until marriage was the dumbest idea but when i fell in love with her I made a promise to myself I would. The thing is... I don't trust her. Why? Because I can't even trust myself. I already had oral sex performed on me. That makes me feel like shit. I makes me think that someone out there is giving her messed up perceptions about sex and that she might believe them. Things she has said include, "I've been horny for the past four days. It's annoying." and "I think I'm a screw-up. I think it's because of that one guy who I talked to on IM" (That really scares me). Yet here's the catch... one time I mentioned orgasm and she didn't know what it was. I gave her the wikipedia page. It just sort of surprised me she didn't know.... I'm just scared of what she knows, doesn't know, and has been misinformed of. Why? Because I'm a victim, makes me think everyone else is as well. I never had the sex talk and I guess I just sort of found out. Blame my parents for that... also when I masturbate now I don't know what I SHOULD think of. I then try not to think of anything and just about it feeling good but then the penis size issue pops up and I feel just as bad. I can't enjoy anything. Also, how would I go about talking to my girlfriend about sex and what she thinks of it? So that way we can set down some rules and agreements. We're both from nice catholic families.