[Poetry][On a scale 1-10] How is my poem doing so far?

  • Thread starter Thread starter snickers
  • Start date Start date
Hmm.. a little too literal for my taste. You're too direct and up front about what you're trying to say. I think you should try to add more sophistication to it, try to be add more emotion to your phrases. Try metaphors. Your 1st stanza is boring. The entire poem is fairly predictable. Out of 10 I'd give you a 3.5. Don't take this criticism as negative. It's a compliment. At least it's not a 0 :) It's creative for a 14 year old. But it's a little bland. I can see you're trying to put in emotions, try fixing your sentence structures. A little passive or active tone can make all the difference. Good Luck :) and congratulations in writing a poem.
 
wo thats really good. I do think the first stanza could use a little revision though. my favorite is the second stanza ... that was deep. id give it a 7.9
 
[In here there is a reference to my generation. Please note. I'm 14.]

In Africa, little boy was bit by a bug,
And there is no medicine.
While the soldiers knock on the door,
And shout "let us in"
At home, there are kids my age
and, their twisted "fun"
being in a gang called "Bloods"
smoking weed, and making everybody run

Suicide bomber runs into a school
and, killed everybody inside
turn on your TVs
and, they'll tell you nobody died.
In Febuary, my cousin was killed
and, he was looking for his thriller
they turned the corner and shot him up'
and, we'll never find his killer

Obama make a speech, hope flies
People praise him all day long
But, If a night falls & Korea's missiles fall
Will California see the dawn?
 
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