PLEASE read this poem and tell me what you think...?

  • Thread starter Thread starter tAiLoReD-tRoUbLe
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tAiLoReD-tRoUbLe

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Lets close our eyes,
we can pretend we're still side by side,
Now's when a part oif me dies
wishing i didnt still have tears to be cried
And when I wake up from this nightmare
you're still not here
but theirs no one that will ever care
and help me over fear

See this blood that's still bleed,
past my arm soaking the ground?
a smile on my face that's still decieving
cuz when I look up your no where to be found

My ciggarettes lost its effect
and my coffees turned to tears
Ima natural born deffect
control in the forn of scars my body bears

Keep the blood flowing; past the sea; to my grave,
My rose turned black and died in the coldest frost,
Im taking with me every memory of the best friend I'll ever have
A bloody virgins all thats left & she's still so lost.
 
Most dramatic. Wonderful description. The pain shows. Great poem, but ....Loss is not forever if this is from a true bleed. If looked at right, Loss is realy gain after the pain dims. Keep writing. You are very talented!
 
I'm no expert, so take this lightly.

I think you are trying to make the poem into full sentences too much. For example, when you say,

Let's close our eyes,
we can pretend we're still side by side,
Now's when a part of me dies
Wishing I didn't still have tears to be cried

I think it would be better if you said something more along the lines of:

Let's close our eyes,
Pretend we are still side by side.
I feel as if a part of me has died,
Every time I still have tears to be cried.

I hope this helped. It's a good poem though
 
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