I asked this question yesterday, but I need more feedback. This is what I got so far:
Sister Elizabeth was on her knees. Her crucifix held tightly in her left hand while her right hand performed the sign of the cross; she then bowed her head, cupped her hands together and prayed. Three crippled bodies lied strewn across the dirt next to the stagecoach. The driver next to the horses was shot in the gut; his wound a gaping hole that spewed a thick river of blood. The other man, a middle-aged fellow, was pistol-whipped in the head and knocked unconscious. His wife screamed in response to the attack, but was silenced with a cleaver swipe to the throat. They were all motionless, and Elizabeth followed their example. Her attacker gazed down at her, his giant shadow draping over her like a black gossamer. He wore a wide brimmed hat that hid his gray placid eyes and a shoddily sewn vest made of human scalp. He raised his arm and aimed his six-shot revolver at her head while his other arm rested at his side holding the bloody cleaver. He [c]ocked the hammer.
“Why aren’t you screamin’?” He said.
She did not answer, still praying in silence. He grinned, amused by her piety.
“You think the Almighty’s gonna be inclined to save you sister?” He mocked.
Again, she did not answer, still praying.
He scowled, “I want you to scream you whore!” He slapped her across the face with the back of his hand holding the gun and she fell sideways smashing into the dirt, but she did not make a sound, not even a whimper. He aimed the gun at her again and licked his lips.
Is is good? Or do I need to work on it more. I spent 3 hours trying to revise this paragraph and its the grammatical details that piss me off because I don't know whether the tense or voice is right. Or whether it's consistent.
Sister Elizabeth was on her knees. Her crucifix held tightly in her left hand while her right hand performed the sign of the cross; she then bowed her head, cupped her hands together and prayed. Three crippled bodies lied strewn across the dirt next to the stagecoach. The driver next to the horses was shot in the gut; his wound a gaping hole that spewed a thick river of blood. The other man, a middle-aged fellow, was pistol-whipped in the head and knocked unconscious. His wife screamed in response to the attack, but was silenced with a cleaver swipe to the throat. They were all motionless, and Elizabeth followed their example. Her attacker gazed down at her, his giant shadow draping over her like a black gossamer. He wore a wide brimmed hat that hid his gray placid eyes and a shoddily sewn vest made of human scalp. He raised his arm and aimed his six-shot revolver at her head while his other arm rested at his side holding the bloody cleaver. He [c]ocked the hammer.
“Why aren’t you screamin’?” He said.
She did not answer, still praying in silence. He grinned, amused by her piety.
“You think the Almighty’s gonna be inclined to save you sister?” He mocked.
Again, she did not answer, still praying.
He scowled, “I want you to scream you whore!” He slapped her across the face with the back of his hand holding the gun and she fell sideways smashing into the dirt, but she did not make a sound, not even a whimper. He aimed the gun at her again and licked his lips.
Is is good? Or do I need to work on it more. I spent 3 hours trying to revise this paragraph and its the grammatical details that piss me off because I don't know whether the tense or voice is right. Or whether it's consistent.