Please comment/constructive critisism! Song/poem i wrote..?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Meip Meip
  • Start date Start date
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Meip Meip

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Okay, you might want to change the whole thing, in a way. For example, it doesn't flow. Try to make a syllable or word number pattern. If that doesn't work, the whole thing won't work.

Its a much better song than poem. Why? You repeated a stanza. If I could hear the tune, I could help more. Any advice you need, just mail me. I'll give you any help you want/need.
 
ok, I'm super amatuer at this, but here goes. give me your opinions!

at school she smiles and laughs
its so fake she's suprised they cant see
her world aint as perfect as its made up to be

your so oblivious
open your eyes
see the girl in front of u
see the tears she cries
covered up by shaded glass
feelings beneath a plaster mask
roll down the windows
smash the sheild
all the raw hurt revealed

away from her friends she's a different girl
the curtain fades, tears fall
she knows she cant hide from the harsh fist anymore

your so oblivious
open your eyes
see the girl in front of u
see the tears she cries
covered up by shaded glass
feelings beneath a plaster mask
roll down the windows
smash the sheild
all the raw hurt revealed


i know, its bad, but i need help! thanks
 
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