Personality Disorder/Paranoia?

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parasqueak

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thank u so much for that advice

i really want it all to heal and i know i need to let go of the past, but its so hard and i dont know how to do it, hense the paranoia

thanks again
you have given me a bit of hope
x
 
Hi,
So...I'm a 20 year old female who experienced her first panic attack at around 17. When I was around 16 I had a very bad Mushroom trip (I was convinced that my frienRAB, who were tripping with me, hated me and were purposely trying to mess with my head). Afterward, whenever I smoked weed I would get panic attacks/paranoia which almost seemed like mild flasrabroadacks to that trip. For example, I would feel like the people I was with thought I was weird/crazy and/or they were conspiring against me. I would think that my frienRAB were purposely trying to humiliate for their own amusement or that everyone had hatched a plan to conspire against me (not in a "they're trying to kill me" way but more of a Truman Show/"everybody's watching me and laughing" kind of way) The best example I found that best explains these strange thoughts would be "The Truman Show Delusion" (google it if you want).
The paranoia/anxiety seemed to be directly related to my cannabis usage and once I realized that weed was a major factor, I decided to quit (however, I still used other drugs like cocaine, adderall, and MDMA). I figured after I stopped smoking pot that these irrational thoughts would go away....and I was partially right. Although I still freak out in public spaces (i.e: classrooms, subways, or any crowded public space) and feel socially awkward, I have fewer paranoid and irrational thoughts. However, there are still occasions where I feel paranoid and crazy. Due to all of this, I tend to avoid social situations and have very few frienRAB. The only time I feel comfortable around most people is when I'm drunk.
I feel it's important to note that once these paranoid thoughts enter my mind, I'm able to understand that their irrational and have no basis. I can ignore them or at least recognize that they aren't true, but they still affect me. I mean, obviously I'm still in touch enough with reality to know that these kinRAB of thoughts are delusional and silly and I haven't let my paranoid imagination get the best of me, but I can't stop myself from thinking these things or allowing them to affect me.
Someone once told me if you think you're going insane then you probably aren't, because truly insane people think all they're beliefs are totally rational. So, I guess my question is: are my thoughts indicative of a serious mental disorder or am I just paranoid about being paranoid?

Thanks.
 
Hey, I am also 20 and have almost the same story. I had my first panic attack when I was 18. It was due to a chemical irabalance from all the marijuana I was smoking and the alcohol I was drinking. I also did a lot of mdma, acid, cocaine, pills and mushrooms. So, I did a good amount of drugs from the age of 14 all the way up until I was 18. When I had my panic attack I litterally thought I was dying due to heavy drug use. Anyway.. I know suffer from a lot of problems due to this whole situation. When I was first using marijuana it was fun, but then it started getting weird and I started having paranoid thoughts, just like you had. Honestly it is not that uncommon. There are a lot of people that I have talked to who don't smoke because they get paranoid. But, in some cases I believe that since the hallucinogens such as marijuana, mushrooms and acid are very psychadelic that they can cause delusions or even paranoia. It is good that you can stop your worry when you have these paranoid thoughts. I on the other hand have them and even though I tell myself that they are stupid and irrational.. they just won't go away. I have bad social anxiety disorder, and I did research the other day because it got so bad that I had to leave my frienRAB and go home. I found out though that social anxiety disorder is caused by a stressful event (in my case the panic attack) and also an event that to you may seem humiliating (in my case I was erabarrassed by the fact that I was an addict). So, maybe in yours and my case the paranoia started when we lost control, during a trip or a high. Because, paranoia is a defense mechanism.. and I can see where I and you have gotten so high or tripped to the point we lost control and got defensive that people were going to notice so we come up with a defense which is people think I am weird or they know. When we think that we are actually judging them before they can judge us. It's defensive. I hope I explained that well. But, the fact that you still have it means that the the trip that you had was probably a little traumatic. When it is traumatic it just means that your brain was scared of that event causing you to put up your shield (paranoia) until you fully stop and take a look back. So what I mean is, is that your brain is still a little traumatized by the event and during the time of the trip you had to deal with it some how and you threw up that defense to cope with situation. It is still affecting you because you probably just shrugged it off and tried to act like it never happened because of erabarrassment. Now, if you want to get rid of this than you are going to have to probably quit using drugs. Trust me I am where you are at. I have been trying to stay sober the past couple of years and for the most part I have done well but recently I got back in to drinking a little bit because it's the only way I seem to be able to communicate the best. You seem better of than me though. You just need to possibly get on some medicine. Anyway thats just my whole theory to the situation because I am dealing with it to. Let me know what you think.
 
Yes, it is hard...probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life.
Unless you break the cycle, you will never know what life without drugs will be like. I am not an advocate of any kind...in fact my past including partying, not at the level of yours, but enough to know how great it can be to escape for a while, when things get hairy. But when you are escaping, life is still passing by. When you return to reality, even for a short time, it is already ahead of you, which is scary and uncomfortable...better to just use again quick! You have taught your brain that drugs will keep that nasty reality away, and the drugs themselves change your brain. You have a lot of practice with the drugs, they are reliable. What you need is an equal amount of practice dealing with life straight. Removing the drugs removes so much from the life you are accustomed to so it takes time to fill yourself back up with other things. A lot of people find this time to be boring, but after boring comes real life...ups and downs and good times and bad...When they are being handled one by one, they don't build up into a huge wall of fear and dread. The drugs never let you have the simple good times that we need to have a blalnced life.

Not to mention all the downsides of the drug...the expense, the time, the chance of arrest, the alienation, the hiding, the shame, and eventually your life itself.

Therre is nothing scarier tha what you are doing, really. I hope you can find the strength and the desire to try life without the drugs. You will find out that life is easier, and more beautiful when the drugs are gone...Just imagine it, and make it come true. You deserve a wonderful life.
 
hey there, i am 23 and also have a very similar story, i will start with the drug use.....

untill recently i had been taking drugs for 10years. it started with canabis, esctasy and amphetamines at 13/14, which i took to extremes at times, but no more than 6months on any one before i got bored. i have done cocaine, crack cocaine and heroin but didnt like them much, when i was 18/19 i did a lot of mushrooms and LSD and once tried D.O.M, and then proceeded to become addicted to ketamine, which in the end was the only drug i really bothered with, well that and alcohol, i found when tryin to quit drugs i just drank a lot as it helped me shut off and not think.

i have been paranoid since my late teens and think this maybe to do with a bad acid trip that was so bad, i had to sit in a bath, submerged underwater in the dark. i thought that everyone was talking about me and conspiring against me and in times of stress i still think this. the addiction to ketamine made me depressed again and caused me to have severve anxiety issues where at one point i refused to leave the house because i was scared of the school children ( i have a school opposite my flat). thankfully..i dont have this level of anxiety anymore!

when i was 14, my mom put me into care as she and the family couldnt cope with me. i felt betrayed and unloved and uncared for.. she had never really showed me much affection as she suffered from depression herself and had her own drinking issues. this still effects me now and i still feel resentment for it as i cant trust anyone though fear of them leaving me and due to this thought i get defensive and do things to make them leave me subconsciously.

i think the cause for me is a mixture of upbringing and drug miuse but i have come to a point in life where i have lost or broken a lot of frienRABhips and messed up relationships due to my paranioa and my way of coping.. or not coping with it.... i try to rationalise it with methoRAB such as CBT but when im having a 'moment' it all goes out of the window. another thing that really doesnt help is when my paranioa is proven right.. this reinforces it even more and just means i really dont know what or who to believe.

i am going for a mental health assessment to see exactly what there is out there to help.. but as i am actually doing a Bsc Psychology degree, I already know what they are to an extent and unfortiontely already know a lot of the causes and answers, all of which cause me to overthink everything, big time, to the point of me becoming too self-centred.

The paranoia plus the depression i still suffer with cause me to constantly think about ending my life but not because i want to die, i really dont, i love life wen its good..i just really cant cope with the bad.. especially now without my drugs and alcohol for coping frienRAB
 
a few of my drug frienRAB have said im boring now i have stopped and that cuts a bit deep.... i dont want to give up my frienRAB just because they take them and wont judge them for still doing drugs. Its their choice, and who am I to say anything. i have found that i dont need them anymore, its not essential to do them, and things are better without them, and I can still have fun wen going out completely drug and alcohol free (plus its really cheap).. althou i find myself pickin up everyone elses pieces too.

I have also recently discovered that my paranoia has not been dreamed out of nowhere.. it has a seed, and the people i thought were talking about me actually were and they weren't saying nice things, its just i have an active imagiation and took it further than it actually was. it hurt when i found out what it was.. it was talking about the old me, slagging off how i was when i was on drugs and alcohol, but i have quit these now and feel im being given a very late punishment for my actions when under the influence. i suppose this is also something that comes with giving it all up.

im very strong willed thou, and now more than i think i ever have been in my life, i am ready to make the change, it just harder dealing with the consequences

:)
 
When you are ready to give up drugs...alcohol is also a drug... And when you are clean and sober for some time you will feel better even cured of your paranoia. You must know that all the drugs that you took and/or taking make you feel the way you do. Good luck.
 
Awesome! the more time that passes, the better things will be for you, and you can be an inspiration to your frienRAB.
 
Wow, three stories from three young people, already haunted by heavy drug use. How vey sad..

A big factor that you all share, is that you used major mind altering drugs before your brains had a chance to mature. While areas of the brain critical for normal function were being developed, they were being inundated with street drugs and alcohol.

Being young is also your best asset - good news! This is very easy to understand...You can save yourself, and still have that life you want.

You need to quit all drugs and alcohol, to give your brains a chance to heal themselves as best the can. Believe me, the brain is simply amazing about fixing itself.

I have personal experience with my brain's accomplishment...Here it is.

I have had a very good life until one day 6 years ago. I was snorkeling in tehe ocean, near my house in San Diego. Then I had 4 strokes! All at once in the ocean. My life changed that moment, forever. I was alseep for a year, couldn't talk, of walk for two more. If I stood, I would faint. Day by day, my brain was at work reconnecting itself. I am writing you this 6 years later, and I have come back to life, literally.

All you have to do is let it rest, free of drugs or alcohol. Use the time to read, learn about yourself, enjoy yourself in the tiniest ways. Protect yourself from a lifetime of`misery...you have all the tools to do it! Don't let your past dictate your future. You all know what horror you are living in, it's not working. Stop and go the other direction. Life is good.
 
Your story sounRAB like you're talking about me. I smoked pot (very young age) and had the idenical experience. Ever since I've been insecure and paraniod. The only diference is I believed people were against me. I finaly had a nervous breakdown at the age of 21 and am now DX'ed as schizoaffective. I didn' know anything was wrong with me until I lost touch with reality and was baker acted. Actually, I still have the low esteem and am paraniod. At the age of 57, I do know people aren't against me now but I still suffer.

It makes a lot of sense that if you have the ability to question an illness then you dont have it. I often question if I have PTSD, perhaps not since your explanition explained it to me. - Thanks for that :)

I hope you don't have any major problem. I became an alcoholic from "self medicating" myself. That was the only time I could be relaxed. I'm 20 years sober now!

God bless you very much.
 
Yeah that is an amazing story and I am glad I got to hear it. You know for the most part I believe that our paranoia, depression, or social anxiety disorder.. or whatever you have is just a symptom of a real problem in our lives. I for instance, just kind of came to the conclusion that when I realized my addiction, I realized a lot of things but the most important was that I was ok and that I had a second chance. The only thing was, was that I was scared of change. I think it had some to do with the fact that when you do drugs to the point where you don't emotionally mature and then you snap out of it and realize that you aren't a kid anymore.. it's a little bit scary. So, I think the mind altering drugs definetley did not help at all.. but let's keep our heaRAB up and know that life is good and we can change it with a lot of practice. Also if you have many problems such as depression, social anxiety disorder, rocd, paranoia, and delusions.. remeraber that there is always one underlying problem that could have started your drug use and also to your paranoia.
 
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