through most of my recent life i've been going through dips of depression that have only gotten worse as time goes on. i try to be self aware and tell myself 'oh! it's just a bad mood and tomorrow i'll be alright' which usually is the case. it's only a matter of time i'm back to feeling disconnected and detached from life. im 39, live in a small studio apartment. my mother seems to put more attention into my younger brothers ideal married life and always expresses her tiredness & sadness & hopelessness on me but is always a delight around my brother, his wife, and 3 year old daughter. she i live relatively close so i see her almost every day but she really starts to feel like a bother. being the age i am and how i live doesn't so much as bother me. it's the fact that i feel like i have to place for the future, it feels like shit for me. i haven't had a woman for sometime in my life, i tend to not have many friends to share good times with, i feel really alone and it looks like that's the way it might stay when im in my 40's then 50's & 60's. i don't really care to live. i want to die i think, i'm very suicidal.
recently i feel a lump the size of a golf ball near my ribcage, it has caused me to think this could be cancer. the people i told about the lump to tells me i should see a doctor. with the way i'm feeling though i'm kinda hoping i have something terminal so that way this illness could kill me instead of suicide. i almost don't give a shit about checking it out. i see no place for me in our current world and what's to become of it.
recently i feel a lump the size of a golf ball near my ribcage, it has caused me to think this could be cancer. the people i told about the lump to tells me i should see a doctor. with the way i'm feeling though i'm kinda hoping i have something terminal so that way this illness could kill me instead of suicide. i almost don't give a shit about checking it out. i see no place for me in our current world and what's to become of it.