One Last Gift

N

ninjamasta2k

New member
Holiday seasons,
Everyone filled with warmth and happiness,
Envious,
I look out at the night sky,
Stars within reach,
Knowing their light is shining on you, somewhere,
Theres,
No stockings above the fireplace,
No mistletoe at the door,
No angels left for the tree,
Just memories of you and me.
For Christmas I ask of you one gift,
Look out at that same star,
And know I love you, wherever you are.
 
I like this a lot. I get a sense of missing out on things. Things that once were but, aren't anymore. Things a person has dreamed long about. They just want a small taste of that dream or wish.

I can't offer much in critiqing in things to change. I've just started writing and I'm just excited for opinions of my own. I do personally like the mix of short lines and long lines in verses/stanzas though.
 
I liked the sentiment this piece held.

However i think it would have been better had you fleshed it out a little more, perhaps involved a little more detailed description to carry the weight of the message you're aiming to send.

For example, you simply have a line which states, "Envious", how so, how envious are you, why in particular are you envious?

I don't know i just felt that a little more insight would have opened the piece up and imprinted a little more of your personality upon it rather than coming across as a little generic, however heart felt the sentiment
 
Envious of the people in the world with that christmas feeling you had when you were a kid, the one that filled the air, now shadowed into just a lonely winters night.

I could have described it more but I just felt like keeping it short and trying not to ramble.

thanks alot for reading hopefully this forum comes back strong.
 
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