Sorry if this is super stupid. I just can't wrap my brain around the core of it all.
I'm 20, and my senior year of high school, this guy, who, sat right by me in a class and started talking to me for the first time. We both grew an interest, eventually led to a "relationship." I use quotes because after 2-3 weeks of me having xc meets and working, him doing his things and only hanging out 3 times, never holding hands or kissing, he had to break up with me because God said he needed to be single. I'm a big Christian, too, that was fine. HE said we could still be friends, and HE was the one to act on it and make that true. I didn't think we really dated so to me he was my FRIEND. Nothing more. I am super super shy, and don't have many friends, so a new addition is great and I guess how I interact with my friends is different than him. I thought we were fairly good friends too. But not long after graduation he basically told me he couldn't talk to me anymore because I still distracted him from God. He shook my hand and said "have a nice life." This happened right after he's friendly and texting me the day of graduation about some band's new CD and stroking my hair and saying "i like you” when I was pouty at graduation and saying “I don’t want to be here. Nobody likes me anyway.” (He actually was very confusing that last quarter.)
Anyway, I felt betrayed, played, disposed of and it hurt really really bad. Especially when I was super nervous about going away to college. I tried to figure it out from him but he was a douche and the only conclusion I could then and now come up with for it all was that I did something wretched or that I WAS something awful. Mostly the latter.
I fought to keep his friendship, b/c of just how I valued them. I lost and I now feel like an idiot for how I acted about the whole thing.
But now over 2 years later, I think that whole situation is coming back to bite me. IDK if it really is and I’m crazy or what.
He had moments where I wondered "are you really my friend?" I couldn't figure it out, something actually was up and clearly fighting for it didn't work at all. So now, I think to protect myself from anymore pain, if I suspect that if someone isn't really being a friend I push them out so I don't look to them to be a pal and they disappoint or hurt me. I don’t have the energy to try to hold on anymore, nor do I want to be an idiot again.
And I'm dead terrified of dating and even putting myself out there to make friends. I feel like odds are it won't work out. That I am too shy, way too boring , clingy, or there is just something about me that will make them draw back and I could possibly get hurt.
I guess in summary, I am afraid and I know I shouldn't be. But I am not 100% sure how to fix it.
whoa, that's long. sorry about that.
I'm 20, and my senior year of high school, this guy, who, sat right by me in a class and started talking to me for the first time. We both grew an interest, eventually led to a "relationship." I use quotes because after 2-3 weeks of me having xc meets and working, him doing his things and only hanging out 3 times, never holding hands or kissing, he had to break up with me because God said he needed to be single. I'm a big Christian, too, that was fine. HE said we could still be friends, and HE was the one to act on it and make that true. I didn't think we really dated so to me he was my FRIEND. Nothing more. I am super super shy, and don't have many friends, so a new addition is great and I guess how I interact with my friends is different than him. I thought we were fairly good friends too. But not long after graduation he basically told me he couldn't talk to me anymore because I still distracted him from God. He shook my hand and said "have a nice life." This happened right after he's friendly and texting me the day of graduation about some band's new CD and stroking my hair and saying "i like you” when I was pouty at graduation and saying “I don’t want to be here. Nobody likes me anyway.” (He actually was very confusing that last quarter.)
Anyway, I felt betrayed, played, disposed of and it hurt really really bad. Especially when I was super nervous about going away to college. I tried to figure it out from him but he was a douche and the only conclusion I could then and now come up with for it all was that I did something wretched or that I WAS something awful. Mostly the latter.
I fought to keep his friendship, b/c of just how I valued them. I lost and I now feel like an idiot for how I acted about the whole thing.
But now over 2 years later, I think that whole situation is coming back to bite me. IDK if it really is and I’m crazy or what.
He had moments where I wondered "are you really my friend?" I couldn't figure it out, something actually was up and clearly fighting for it didn't work at all. So now, I think to protect myself from anymore pain, if I suspect that if someone isn't really being a friend I push them out so I don't look to them to be a pal and they disappoint or hurt me. I don’t have the energy to try to hold on anymore, nor do I want to be an idiot again.
And I'm dead terrified of dating and even putting myself out there to make friends. I feel like odds are it won't work out. That I am too shy, way too boring , clingy, or there is just something about me that will make them draw back and I could possibly get hurt.
I guess in summary, I am afraid and I know I shouldn't be. But I am not 100% sure how to fix it.
whoa, that's long. sorry about that.