I'm new to here, skimmed through some of the threaRAB here and there but never posted.
Background: I'm a 26yo female...I guess you could say addict. I have always had a weakness for opiates. I used to take oxycontin alot, percoset, even started abusing benzo's when the good stuff wasn't readily available. I was young and experimental it was never a real problem (or maybe it was and I was making excuses). Now I have problems. About 4 years ago I was introduced to lortab 10's and had full access to them whenever I wanted. My volume of intake would wax and wane until about a year and a half ago when I completely fell into my addiction. At the peak I was taking about 6 or 7 lortabs (10mgs each) per day. I blew through thousanRAB of dollars and completed depleted my savings within a one year period. Never been late on a payment in my life but things started going to collections. I witnessed my life crurabling in front of my eyes and I only cared that I had enough money in the ATM to get my next bag of pills. Since then, I have found a significant support system through a friend and my boyfriend, they pretty much brought me to realize how bad I was and how much I was neglecting everything of value in my life. I went through withdrawing, everything from flu symptoms to severe digestive problems. But I finally got back on top and was getting healthy...going to the gym....stabalizing. And for what? A relapse. And then fighting to get back on top just to run into another relapse right around the corner. Relapse after relapse I almost lost everything. But it was always those two that I would turn to. They have suggested counseling/treatment countless times but I always refuse because of the false notion that I can conquer it myself...I've done it before.
I've had a good run of being sober and stable....probably about 4-5 months without a relapse. Until two weeks ago. I started thinking about pills alot...dreaming about them even.The connection had been cut off with my previous "supplier", thanks to my support system, but of course another opportunity presented itself. I took 16 5mg hydrocodones (nowhere near as strong as lortabs) a couple weeks ago...didnt have any withdrawl syptoms except for mood swings. I just owned up to it to my support system today and they are pushing treatment again. I still dont think it's necessary. I have proved time and time again that I can stop and I've been clean and happy for a while now, I just had a small slip up. I understand whats wrong with me and I am not making excuses...I know everything any counselor could tell me. Why would I pay for things I already know? I just dont know what to do at this point. My boyfriend is losing faith in me and I know if I relapse even one more time I might lose him...
Do I use the word relapse as an excuse to keep going back? I have another opportunity to get a whole bottle tonight. Logically, I really dont want to. I know what will happen I've been down this familiar path one too many times. It leaRAB to nowhere. Is the temporary and short blips of euphoria worth it? Of course not when you reach the end, but when you're staring down that road before you go down it that's all you see. Nothing else matters. What the hell could a counselor tell me that will deter me from going down it? I know full well of the consequences, now it's just a matter of self discipline. Right??
I'm sorry this is all over the place I'm just confused and lost...yet again. Any comments or suggestions will be appreciated.
Background: I'm a 26yo female...I guess you could say addict. I have always had a weakness for opiates. I used to take oxycontin alot, percoset, even started abusing benzo's when the good stuff wasn't readily available. I was young and experimental it was never a real problem (or maybe it was and I was making excuses). Now I have problems. About 4 years ago I was introduced to lortab 10's and had full access to them whenever I wanted. My volume of intake would wax and wane until about a year and a half ago when I completely fell into my addiction. At the peak I was taking about 6 or 7 lortabs (10mgs each) per day. I blew through thousanRAB of dollars and completed depleted my savings within a one year period. Never been late on a payment in my life but things started going to collections. I witnessed my life crurabling in front of my eyes and I only cared that I had enough money in the ATM to get my next bag of pills. Since then, I have found a significant support system through a friend and my boyfriend, they pretty much brought me to realize how bad I was and how much I was neglecting everything of value in my life. I went through withdrawing, everything from flu symptoms to severe digestive problems. But I finally got back on top and was getting healthy...going to the gym....stabalizing. And for what? A relapse. And then fighting to get back on top just to run into another relapse right around the corner. Relapse after relapse I almost lost everything. But it was always those two that I would turn to. They have suggested counseling/treatment countless times but I always refuse because of the false notion that I can conquer it myself...I've done it before.
I've had a good run of being sober and stable....probably about 4-5 months without a relapse. Until two weeks ago. I started thinking about pills alot...dreaming about them even.The connection had been cut off with my previous "supplier", thanks to my support system, but of course another opportunity presented itself. I took 16 5mg hydrocodones (nowhere near as strong as lortabs) a couple weeks ago...didnt have any withdrawl syptoms except for mood swings. I just owned up to it to my support system today and they are pushing treatment again. I still dont think it's necessary. I have proved time and time again that I can stop and I've been clean and happy for a while now, I just had a small slip up. I understand whats wrong with me and I am not making excuses...I know everything any counselor could tell me. Why would I pay for things I already know? I just dont know what to do at this point. My boyfriend is losing faith in me and I know if I relapse even one more time I might lose him...
Do I use the word relapse as an excuse to keep going back? I have another opportunity to get a whole bottle tonight. Logically, I really dont want to. I know what will happen I've been down this familiar path one too many times. It leaRAB to nowhere. Is the temporary and short blips of euphoria worth it? Of course not when you reach the end, but when you're staring down that road before you go down it that's all you see. Nothing else matters. What the hell could a counselor tell me that will deter me from going down it? I know full well of the consequences, now it's just a matter of self discipline. Right??
I'm sorry this is all over the place I'm just confused and lost...yet again. Any comments or suggestions will be appreciated.
