Never felt worse in my life

[Monticello]

Hey all. Just wanted to come in here and put my feelings down. I've felt like crap these past 2 months. Worse than I ever have. It's like I have a new negative thought everyday. Like yesterday I thought I was just all of a sudden gonna stop breathing. I know it's impossible, but for some reason I can't get myself to really believe it. Sometimes I feel like I am going to go blind if my eyes start to hurt. Again, I know it won't happen, but I can't convince myself to believe it. I even worry in my house all the time. I used to be completely fine when being in my house, but now I don't even feel that comfortable being home as much as I used to.

I was supposed to start CBT back in late March. So my therapist sent me to a clinic so I could get a physical just to make sure nothing physically was wrong with me. So I went and they performed a EKG. My heartbeat came back abnormal so the doctor assigned me to a Cardiologist. The problem was the closest appointment we could get was 2 months later. So I would have to stay at home and rot for 2 months...which is exactly what happened. So 2 months later, I went and the anxiety built up pretty bad, but thankfully I made it through. I took another EKG for my heart and they checked some other stuff and it turned out there was nothing wrong with my heart. I was relieved at that point in time, but by then, the worry had built up pretty strongly for the 2 months leading up to the appointment that I was soon worrying again.

So I went back to the clinic and the doctor gave me some stuff called Buspirone HCL. He said it's supposed to calm my nerves down . It's not really a long term drug, just a temporary one. So I take it and I felt a little better at first, then the next day I started feeling the side effects. I got a headache and I once again felt I was going blind. I felt a little bit nauseous and my body felt kinda weak. So I haven't taken it since last night because even though my symptoms got a little better for a few hours, they came back and were stronger than before it seemed. Now I'm scared that if I go back on medication, I'll feel worse than I am now for a few weeks before it actually kicks in.

I feel like I will eventually fear everything and just lose my mind.

It's just that I think such weird thoughts. Thoughts that I feel that are making me go crazy because I am thinking about them and believe they could do harm. My anxiety has never been worse and I feel that I will end up in a mental instituition at some point because of these thoughts that I am having. I would like to get back on some meRAB, but I think I might be too afraid at this point. I honetly don't know what to do and just want this all to end.

 

[aeiou77]

Monticello,

I feel your pain. I've had anxiety/panic for 4 years now. I've been on Lexapro 3 times. Each time I stopped, I was back on within a few months. I wanted to try a new medication the third time, so he put me on Buspirone, to try it out. I was on it for a week, and it made me depressed for the first time in my life, to the point where I immediately stopped taking it. Lexapro had always worked, so I went back to the doctor to get put back on it. You may be right in that you have to wait a week or two to get positive results, but you will, and just need to hang in there. It will get better. I call that first week, HELL WEEK. That first week I got on Lexapro was horrible and a half. I was bed ridden, and couldn't really do anything. Never left the house. This is even after having no negative side effects the first two times I had taken it. Weeks later, though, I am feeling like a million bucks, and back to my old self. You just have to stay positive, get through the bad days, and know that it will get better. Good luck to you!