Need a review for an excerpt of my current book I am writing.?

D

Daniel

New member
This will be my first, and only excerpt, I just want to know if you like it, or not. Here it is:

Epilogue:

If your reading this, put the book down. If you wish to carry on, then feel free to do so at your own risk. Ever wondered what that "Bump" in the night is? Or maybe what the strange creaking you hear when you wake up at night. Well, those sort of things are child's play compared to this tale of the soldiers of Eyknah. Read on if you dare.

Chapter 2:

"Aah!" Alastyn yelled as he fell face first into a lake. His friend, Cythraul, had pushed him in. He struggled to try and get back to the bank of the lake. He didn't know how to swim. He had never been taught. All of a sudden, the ground started shaking, the sky turned dark, clouds and fog consuming everything. A peircing scream hit Cythraul like a sword to the face. The fog slowly cleared, Cythraul stood in shock as he stood and watched the lake slowly turn red. Blood. He nearly passed out when he saw an intestine float to the surface. Did I say nearly? Well, I mean he did. He too, fell into the lake, although, Cythraul wouldn't feel a thing. Well, I don't suppose you feel things when you have passed out. Another victim to the Bishop-Fish. The Bozaloshtsh tried to warn Cythraul about his friends imminent death. Cythraul and Alastyn knew that the woods were a dangerous place. So why did they venture forth? Doesn't matter now. They're dead.

There it is!

Pronunciations & meanings:

Alastyn (Al Ast In) A water horse from the Isle of Man. It can assume human form but will still have horse's ears. It is similar to the Scottish Each Uisge and like its Scottish counterpart loves to take humans for a ride, only to carry them into the water and devour them.

Cythraul (Sith Rawl) A Welsh evil spirit. The name means a type of devil or demon in the Welsh language.

Bozaloshtsh (Boz A Losh Tish) Crying spirits whose scream announced imminent death are common in European mythology: the Banshee of the Irish is the most well-known. Among the ancient Wend of Germany, Bozaloshtsh was just such a spirit.

Thanks for reading.
Oops, that isn't chapter 2, that is chapter 1 :O
 
Hi there, I hope this helps!

Firstly, "Epilogue" means at the end of something, so I think you mean "Prologue" - though you could just call it "Warning!". To be fair though, from the excerpt provided, you don't really need a warning, unless something terrible is going to happen at some stage (ie to the reader).

There is a grammatical error in the second word - not a very good opening (it's "you're", not "your").

The next sentence, where it says they should "feel free" to read on completely contradicts your opening where you say don't do this. It sounds indecisive and weak, rather than the strong opening I think you intended.

Your character falls into "a lake". Why not be specific? Why not "the lake"? Are there hundreds of lakes that he's walking around, and he happened to fall into one of them?

I read this next mistake in someone else's work posted on here - how is Alastyn so far away from the bank of the lake when he's just fell in?

You need a new paragraph for "All of a sudden". Because the first paragraph is so short, you could fill it in with some details - why should the reader care about these characters? Who are they? Why are they by the lake? What do they look like? What are they doing?

Correct spelling: "piercing"

You repeat the word "stood" too many times: "stood in shock as he stood" - this needs changing.

"Well, I mean he did" - is this sentence because you were confused as you wrote it (which is how it seems), or because the piece is supposed to be jokey in tone (in which case, why the warning at the front?).

"He too, fell into the lake, although, Cythraul wouldn't feel a thing" There are too many commas here, so it doesn't make sense. Remove the comma after "too" and after "although".

"friends" should be "friend's".

That's it. I think you probably have a good idea, but you need to think about where this story is going. If these two characters who die (and I'm still not sure how or why) do die for no reason, and your plan is for the next bit to introduce the real main characters - well then, don't post this bit as your extract on the internet. Your extract should be representative of the piece as a whole.

Sorry if that came across harsh, but I hope you will be able to make some constructive changes and make a better story out of it when you continue.

Good luck with your writing!
 
So far its not that good. You really need to spread it out more. It could be a fantastic Novel.

Although ihave to be fair and we are reading chapter 2 without seeing chapter 1.

Have you characters been mentioned already?

Im also a bit mystified why everything went grey and lake went red. You dont really explain it.

i really like the concept of what your trying to do.

one thing i will say though at the epilogue your first line reads "If your reading this, put the book down"

Not very good as opening line is it? its like saying this is rubbish so save yourself time.

dont mean to cause offense cuz i think it really could be good!
 
So far its not that good. You really need to spread it out more. It could be a fantastic Novel.

Although ihave to be fair and we are reading chapter 2 without seeing chapter 1.

Have you characters been mentioned already?

Im also a bit mystified why everything went grey and lake went red. You dont really explain it.

i really like the concept of what your trying to do.

one thing i will say though at the epilogue your first line reads "If your reading this, put the book down"

Not very good as opening line is it? its like saying this is rubbish so save yourself time.

dont mean to cause offense cuz i think it really could be good!
 
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