Greg Olsen
New member
Hey guys. I just turned 21 years old & I am dealing my severe depression. It started around 4 years ago, and it has snowballed into the monster that it is today. I'm hoping someone can listen to my story & help me with advice.
When I was really young (2/3 years old) my mother & father split up. I often saw them fighting, sometimes even physically & was left wondering if it was because of me. While I have a step-father who is a great man & father figure, I was constantly upset by being 'juggled around' (Having to go back & forth between families on holidays, etc). That took it's toll on me.
During elementary school/middle school, I was always made fun of because I have red hair. My 'friends' would pick on me terribly & I'd get beaten up, among other things. I still don't understand why.
In highschool, I dated a girl for 2 years. We broke up because I had started to become controlling, and sometimes even verbally & physically abusive (I pushed her around). Don't ask me why, because I present that question to myself everyday of my life. I had finally found someone who loved & appreciated ME for ME & I ruined it. This whole situation destroyed me.
After we had broken up, I started to hang around bad people (those who've been to jail, etc) and while I avoided getting into trouble with the law, I was left feeling worthless. I'd often think of the saying "You are who your friends are" and I'd start to question my self image ie; "Since you hang around these people, this is who you are & that is why no one likes you". I don't really have friends at all. I have two (one who I've known since birth) that are the best friends a person can ask for, but it isn't enough to keep me from feeling that I'm unwanted & disliked. My birthday was just this past week & the only 'friends' who wished me a happy birthday were on Facebook, and I highly doubt it was heartfelt, they were most likely just being nice. I want to be liked by people. Humans are very interactive creatures who wish to be cared for & loved by others. I want to have friends. I'd also like to have a girlfriend, but that is secondary to what it is currently going on.
My parents just bought a new house, in which we will be moving into soon enough. The pressure this places on me is almost unbearable, having to help pay the bills, etc. My mom is constantly saying "Get a job & do something with yourself already" and she doesn't understand that I'm honestly unable too. Most think that depression is just a slump & by saying "Get over it & Enjoy life!" it's going to change the way you feel, in truth it does absolutely nothing to change the way I feel inside. I think my family knows something's bothering me, but I don't think they completely understand it at all. Over the past 3 years, I have had 3 different jobs. None of them have lasted longer than 5 months. The pressure of doing my job & managing my depression is immense. I believe my mom thinks that my inability to hold a job stems from laziness which couldn't be further from the truth. My mom's always saying "You're just like your father, unable to hold a job" and it makes me feel even more that i'm unwanted & not worth anything. My depression doesn't just prevent me from getting a job, it prevents me from living my life.
I'm not the suicidal type, I have thought about it on several occasions but I would never put my family through something like that. I have feelings of wanting to just get up & run away as fast as I possibly can to get away from anything & everything, much more than suicide. I just want to get away as far as I can & live life, which I am currently unable to do. I really don't know what to do to get out of this infinite hole that I'm stuck in, and have been for years. I have thought about applying for disability until I'm able to get my feet on the ground again (before you think I'm just looking for a free ride, think again. I'd give anything, any monetary amount, any possesion I own, anything but good health to be happy again). I just don't know what to do. Along with my depression, I have terrible social anxiety. I have Sebborheic Dermatitis on my face which leaves my nose area apple red, and often scaly. This prevents me from wanting to be out in public/at a place of work. Each day I sit home in my room, it's all I ever do. I don't find joy in anything anymore, and it's a very scary feeling if you've ever experienced it. I used to skateboard & would love to get into it again, but I just don't find interest in it.
Can anyone please give me some sort of advice, or in the least hope? I do not know what to do anymore. It seems that with each day that passes by, life is falling further & further away from me. I just need advice & support guys, I ask you please. Thank y
When I was really young (2/3 years old) my mother & father split up. I often saw them fighting, sometimes even physically & was left wondering if it was because of me. While I have a step-father who is a great man & father figure, I was constantly upset by being 'juggled around' (Having to go back & forth between families on holidays, etc). That took it's toll on me.
During elementary school/middle school, I was always made fun of because I have red hair. My 'friends' would pick on me terribly & I'd get beaten up, among other things. I still don't understand why.
In highschool, I dated a girl for 2 years. We broke up because I had started to become controlling, and sometimes even verbally & physically abusive (I pushed her around). Don't ask me why, because I present that question to myself everyday of my life. I had finally found someone who loved & appreciated ME for ME & I ruined it. This whole situation destroyed me.
After we had broken up, I started to hang around bad people (those who've been to jail, etc) and while I avoided getting into trouble with the law, I was left feeling worthless. I'd often think of the saying "You are who your friends are" and I'd start to question my self image ie; "Since you hang around these people, this is who you are & that is why no one likes you". I don't really have friends at all. I have two (one who I've known since birth) that are the best friends a person can ask for, but it isn't enough to keep me from feeling that I'm unwanted & disliked. My birthday was just this past week & the only 'friends' who wished me a happy birthday were on Facebook, and I highly doubt it was heartfelt, they were most likely just being nice. I want to be liked by people. Humans are very interactive creatures who wish to be cared for & loved by others. I want to have friends. I'd also like to have a girlfriend, but that is secondary to what it is currently going on.
My parents just bought a new house, in which we will be moving into soon enough. The pressure this places on me is almost unbearable, having to help pay the bills, etc. My mom is constantly saying "Get a job & do something with yourself already" and she doesn't understand that I'm honestly unable too. Most think that depression is just a slump & by saying "Get over it & Enjoy life!" it's going to change the way you feel, in truth it does absolutely nothing to change the way I feel inside. I think my family knows something's bothering me, but I don't think they completely understand it at all. Over the past 3 years, I have had 3 different jobs. None of them have lasted longer than 5 months. The pressure of doing my job & managing my depression is immense. I believe my mom thinks that my inability to hold a job stems from laziness which couldn't be further from the truth. My mom's always saying "You're just like your father, unable to hold a job" and it makes me feel even more that i'm unwanted & not worth anything. My depression doesn't just prevent me from getting a job, it prevents me from living my life.
I'm not the suicidal type, I have thought about it on several occasions but I would never put my family through something like that. I have feelings of wanting to just get up & run away as fast as I possibly can to get away from anything & everything, much more than suicide. I just want to get away as far as I can & live life, which I am currently unable to do. I really don't know what to do to get out of this infinite hole that I'm stuck in, and have been for years. I have thought about applying for disability until I'm able to get my feet on the ground again (before you think I'm just looking for a free ride, think again. I'd give anything, any monetary amount, any possesion I own, anything but good health to be happy again). I just don't know what to do. Along with my depression, I have terrible social anxiety. I have Sebborheic Dermatitis on my face which leaves my nose area apple red, and often scaly. This prevents me from wanting to be out in public/at a place of work. Each day I sit home in my room, it's all I ever do. I don't find joy in anything anymore, and it's a very scary feeling if you've ever experienced it. I used to skateboard & would love to get into it again, but I just don't find interest in it.
Can anyone please give me some sort of advice, or in the least hope? I do not know what to do anymore. It seems that with each day that passes by, life is falling further & further away from me. I just need advice & support guys, I ask you please. Thank y