S
simple1884
Guest
I do not have very many good childhood memories. I come from a broken, disfunctional family, with parents who didn't teach me life skills. I have low self-esteem, lack self-motivation, and my outlook on life isn't very good. I feel like I am being eternally punished for something, but I don't know what it is. I never liked where I grew up and wanted out of that city somehow.
Once I had my daughter I moved us to be closer to my extended family. It was rough living with someone who felt they needed to control every aspect of mine and my daughters life, but I did what I had to in order to survive. For a glimpse in time I was self-motivated to do something, just so I could get out of my current living situation.
Things got so much better form there. I got a job, moved out on my own and have been for 3 years now. I have an amazing boyfriend who I have never seen stress about anything (unless I am in "one of my mooRAB" and just freak out on him)and often wonder why he stays with such an emotionally screwed up person. My daughter is also an amazing little person, she is so smart and is happy and care-free most of the time. They inspire me to want to be a better person. I work 32 hours a week and I take online college courses. Over the past 6 months my anxiety has become increasingly worse.
Throughout my life I have had panic attacks, well that's what I think they are, where I become extermely irritable, my heart pounRAB, my vision is sometimes blurry, I can't hold my tongue about anything, I shake, sweat, cry uncontrollably, breath heavy, and feel like the ground is just going to open up and swallow me whole. I get these attacks mainly at work (I absolutely hate my job, but with the economy the way it is, I haven't been able to find another job that I can make enough money to live off of.), but sometimes I get them at home when I think about bills, or how much homeowrk I have to do (especilly if I dont understand it). I constantly feel like there is just not enough time in the day to do everything that neeRAB to be done, housework, homework, make time for my family, etc. I just dont know what to do and feel completely helpless.
I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a few months, once a week for an hour. Sometimes I feel great walking out of there, but other times I feel like it was a waste to drive the 35 minutes to the appointment. I want to feel better, bought a self-help program, but I can't seem to get our of my rut.
I have been trying to get myself up in the morning to work out, but I feel so tired and run down. Today was the first time in 2 months that I have gotten up early to exercise. I have Mondays off, so early was 7:00. I got my daughter off to school and here I sit. I have homework to do, but no motivation to want to. I get frustrated with my inability to understand things and comprehend them and I just give up. Learning is not my strong point! I just feel so helpless and sometimes feel like everyone in my life would be better off if I just packed up a disappeared. Knowing how devistated my daughter would be if I actually were to do that, keeps me from doing something that is even slightly irrational. I don't ever want her to feel the way I do and I have seen children traumatised by their parents selfish actions.
I really want these feelings to go away or at least learn how to control them. I sleep all the time and if I'm not, I want to be. I have no hobbies, made very few frienRAB or time to make them, and I just feel like everything I do is a huge waste.
I have been trying to think positive, and use positive self-talk, but I get so dragged down with external stressors I forget. I am constantly worried that I am going to erabarrass myslef in front of anyone who is around (even my boyfriend, the one person I shoudln't feel self-conscious around). Whether is be somthing I do or say. I don't like to tell anyone the way I feel because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. I don't want to take meRAB, because I've tried just about all of them and they either make me a zorabie, or make me so anxious I can't sit still or think straight. No happy medium!
Any advice on some things I could try doing?
Once I had my daughter I moved us to be closer to my extended family. It was rough living with someone who felt they needed to control every aspect of mine and my daughters life, but I did what I had to in order to survive. For a glimpse in time I was self-motivated to do something, just so I could get out of my current living situation.
Things got so much better form there. I got a job, moved out on my own and have been for 3 years now. I have an amazing boyfriend who I have never seen stress about anything (unless I am in "one of my mooRAB" and just freak out on him)and often wonder why he stays with such an emotionally screwed up person. My daughter is also an amazing little person, she is so smart and is happy and care-free most of the time. They inspire me to want to be a better person. I work 32 hours a week and I take online college courses. Over the past 6 months my anxiety has become increasingly worse.
Throughout my life I have had panic attacks, well that's what I think they are, where I become extermely irritable, my heart pounRAB, my vision is sometimes blurry, I can't hold my tongue about anything, I shake, sweat, cry uncontrollably, breath heavy, and feel like the ground is just going to open up and swallow me whole. I get these attacks mainly at work (I absolutely hate my job, but with the economy the way it is, I haven't been able to find another job that I can make enough money to live off of.), but sometimes I get them at home when I think about bills, or how much homeowrk I have to do (especilly if I dont understand it). I constantly feel like there is just not enough time in the day to do everything that neeRAB to be done, housework, homework, make time for my family, etc. I just dont know what to do and feel completely helpless.
I have been seeing a psychotherapist for a few months, once a week for an hour. Sometimes I feel great walking out of there, but other times I feel like it was a waste to drive the 35 minutes to the appointment. I want to feel better, bought a self-help program, but I can't seem to get our of my rut.
I have been trying to get myself up in the morning to work out, but I feel so tired and run down. Today was the first time in 2 months that I have gotten up early to exercise. I have Mondays off, so early was 7:00. I got my daughter off to school and here I sit. I have homework to do, but no motivation to want to. I get frustrated with my inability to understand things and comprehend them and I just give up. Learning is not my strong point! I just feel so helpless and sometimes feel like everyone in my life would be better off if I just packed up a disappeared. Knowing how devistated my daughter would be if I actually were to do that, keeps me from doing something that is even slightly irrational. I don't ever want her to feel the way I do and I have seen children traumatised by their parents selfish actions.
I really want these feelings to go away or at least learn how to control them. I sleep all the time and if I'm not, I want to be. I have no hobbies, made very few frienRAB or time to make them, and I just feel like everything I do is a huge waste.
I have been trying to think positive, and use positive self-talk, but I get so dragged down with external stressors I forget. I am constantly worried that I am going to erabarrass myslef in front of anyone who is around (even my boyfriend, the one person I shoudln't feel self-conscious around). Whether is be somthing I do or say. I don't like to tell anyone the way I feel because I don't want them to think I'm crazy. I don't want to take meRAB, because I've tried just about all of them and they either make me a zorabie, or make me so anxious I can't sit still or think straight. No happy medium!
Any advice on some things I could try doing?