I need to know if you get the story, it's set in past africa.
I was tracking the boar all night…it was close…I found fresh droppings not too long ago and now stared at a tuft of hair caught on a thorn bush. “The boar is close,” I whispered to myself. In the darkening maw of the jungle, the moans, yelps and soft laughing of all the surrounding beasts was intoxicating as it further fueled my ravenous hunger, “I can smell him now.” Suddenly, something darted though the bushes! In a frenzy, I dashed through the thicket of the jungle after the shadow only to be blocked by another echoing wall of darkness. Recovering myself, I blindly stooped down and pressed softly against the earth under me. The well known tracks were easily recognizable. “The boar is close” I hummed again to myself. But it was too late. I had hunted for too long and I convinced myself that this was “Another fruitless night of hunting”.
The sun started to come up as I slowly decided to return to the village with hope that I would get something to eat there. Because I was hunting alone I kept myself low in the tall grass to be safe until I arrived. There is a road to the village, but I do not take it anymore, it has become dangerous with rumors of cold blooded killers that will put your head on a pike just to show bravery for their own village. It was still fairly dark as the sun was halfway up the horizon while the small village gradually came into view. I went up a hill and walked past one of the small shacks in the back of the village, then hurriedly ran past the doorway when I heard children crying as a man was beating a woman. Then I came up close to the shack in the center of the village and slowly went inside. A crippled old man was facing a fire quietly tending to the first food of the day while humming the ancient song in honor of his ancestors. Life had left his body a shriveled remnant of what it had once been, but the glow of life, the same you would find in a newborn, still resided in his actions.
Just then! Somebody ran by the shack and let out a terrible scream! The village was under attack! The frail old man only had seconds to look up at me as I quickly grabbed him and took him out of the village. I could already see all the men getting their spears and the women and children running into the bush where they would be safe. There was shouting and people scrambled as spears were thrown in all directions, but none hit its target, we were safe. Finally, we got far enough away from the chaos so we could slow down. I set the old man down by the base of a splintered baobab tree as I caught my breath. I looked at him, he did not say anything although I could see his shock over what had just happened. His eyes quickly paced back and forth as he looked over my face, his mouth was paralyzed in fear, he did not move. Then I let out a deep rumble from my jaws, humming to myself in pleasure, and ate.
I changed it after somebody didn't get that it was a lion/beast at the end that grabbed the old man. I was trying not to give the reader a hint that this was the point of view of a beast but make everything add up in the end.
I was tracking the boar all night…it was close…I found fresh droppings not too long ago and now stared at a tuft of hair caught on a thorn bush. “The boar is close,” I whispered to myself. In the darkening maw of the jungle, the moans, yelps and soft laughing of all the surrounding beasts was intoxicating as it further fueled my ravenous hunger, “I can smell him now.” Suddenly, something darted though the bushes! In a frenzy, I dashed through the thicket of the jungle after the shadow only to be blocked by another echoing wall of darkness. Recovering myself, I blindly stooped down and pressed softly against the earth under me. The well known tracks were easily recognizable. “The boar is close” I hummed again to myself. But it was too late. I had hunted for too long and I convinced myself that this was “Another fruitless night of hunting”.
The sun started to come up as I slowly decided to return to the village with hope that I would get something to eat there. Because I was hunting alone I kept myself low in the tall grass to be safe until I arrived. There is a road to the village, but I do not take it anymore, it has become dangerous with rumors of cold blooded killers that will put your head on a pike just to show bravery for their own village. It was still fairly dark as the sun was halfway up the horizon while the small village gradually came into view. I went up a hill and walked past one of the small shacks in the back of the village, then hurriedly ran past the doorway when I heard children crying as a man was beating a woman. Then I came up close to the shack in the center of the village and slowly went inside. A crippled old man was facing a fire quietly tending to the first food of the day while humming the ancient song in honor of his ancestors. Life had left his body a shriveled remnant of what it had once been, but the glow of life, the same you would find in a newborn, still resided in his actions.
Just then! Somebody ran by the shack and let out a terrible scream! The village was under attack! The frail old man only had seconds to look up at me as I quickly grabbed him and took him out of the village. I could already see all the men getting their spears and the women and children running into the bush where they would be safe. There was shouting and people scrambled as spears were thrown in all directions, but none hit its target, we were safe. Finally, we got far enough away from the chaos so we could slow down. I set the old man down by the base of a splintered baobab tree as I caught my breath. I looked at him, he did not say anything although I could see his shock over what had just happened. His eyes quickly paced back and forth as he looked over my face, his mouth was paralyzed in fear, he did not move. Then I let out a deep rumble from my jaws, humming to myself in pleasure, and ate.
I changed it after somebody didn't get that it was a lion/beast at the end that grabbed the old man. I was trying not to give the reader a hint that this was the point of view of a beast but make everything add up in the end.