my poem! Just looking for honest opinions and criticisms....thanx?

S

sammie_irv

New member
Fate

fate dealt me a hand, with all my hopes and dreams,
i played it the best i could, not enough it seems!

I know there were some hiccups, i let things get in the way,
but i guess i didnt realise, i was pushing him away!

my dreams must be impossible, too hard for dear old fate,
no more dreams for me, its gotten way to late!

i thought i had asked, for reasonable things,
but my dreams all die, and i hate the pain that brings!

they say in your lifetime, you WILL find your true love,
there someone for all of us, a gift from the Lord above!

but what if that person, meets you one day,
and no matter the feelings, they have to walk away!

what if your true love, feels they cant go on,
and not even because, their feelings have gone!

Is it worth living?, should you still breathe?,
when the only hope of happiness, has had to up and leave!
thanx ej....yeah, i was a bit hopeless when i wrote it i reckon!!
 
As to construction, it seems to flow as I read aloud and of course you used end rhyme. As to content, while your emotions are strong, the delivery is ordinary. Dreams impossible? Borders on cliche. Challenge yourself to restate this in an unique way. A poet should make the ordinary look far from ordinary and challenge us in new ways. You have the start here, spend time to rework. Good luck.
 
hopeless romantic???

I guess you have shown all your emotions in these poem. I like it!!!
 
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