My mother in-law is driving me nuts she is always contradicting me when it

[Erin]

comes to my children/house help? It seems that no matter what I do my mother in-law is never happy. She is always saying that I could be doing something different with my children. No matter what it is, she makes it sound like she was the perfect mother (she wasn't by far). She is now retired and doesn't do anything, she has been divorced from my father in-law for about 25 years so it isn't like it is something new for her to deal with. But she is always wanting to come up to our place, she lives about 45 mintues away. And when she comes up all she does is sit on the couch and eat all of the food. The first thing she does when she arrives is hit the fridge and eat. She keeps saying she wants to see the grandkids but she doesn't do anything when she is around because she is constantly saying how tired she is. When she isn't around my husband and I get along great but there is so much tenson when she is there that it is driving us nuts (he doesn't get along with his mom very well because of her attitude) so he hardly talks to her. She is always complaing about the house, she feels it isn't as clean as she thinks it should be, she is always whinning about the pets we have, 2 dogs, 2 cats and she keeps saying we should get rid of them because it is to much to keep the house clean. But her house is worse then ours and she is always telling everyone around that we need to clean up and is always talking behind our backs.
We both have tried talking to her about these issues and how it makes us feel. At the time she seems to understand and she says she is sorry and will mind her own business but that only lasts for that weekend and by the next she is back to her old self. I have told her that if I want her advice I'll ask for it and not to give it to me unless I ask but she just doesn't seem to care as she feels that she has earned the right as a grandparent to say what she feels when she feels it. She always points out what she did with her son and she feels i should do the same with mine, i keep reminding her i am their mother and i am not her and therefor they are not her son, their father. She'll say well it isn't that hard i did it, but she can't even look after them for a few hours while we go out. We have actually had to tell her she can't look after the kids because she either falls asleep while watching them or just sits on the couch and lets them do what ever they want, we came home one day and found them outside playing while she was sleeping on the couch, and another time after that she took them to the mall and she said they were fighting her so she didn't put them in their car seats, they were only 4 & 5 at the time.
What we need help with is how do we get her to back off, we are at the stage now that we are going to ask her never to come back and she can't be apart of our lives and we both honestly don't want it to come to that but we feel that there are no other options. HELP

 

[Twinkles]

Oh my goodness honey, you have your hands full here. I'm a mother-in-law, but I never criticize or tell my daughter-in-law how to do things. She does things differently then me, but it is her choice. She is very religious where I am not alot. I like to have fun here and she wouldn't dream of coming on yahoo. We're very different, but her approach to parenting cannot be faulted what so ever. I love her very much and she is a wonderful person. And her house is cleaner then mine.
Now as to advice. If you don't want to lose her entirely, make it very well known that her visits are cut down to 1 x a month. It will be a struggle, but if you perservare it will get through her head that you mean business. Stop being so nice and tell her exactly how you feel. She is taking advantage of you and your family. It's a shame that she divorced, but that was her and your father-in-laws decision. She's lonely is a good part of it. She's a whiner and thats another part. And she's a leach, sorry to be so blunt. But from your description, that's how it sounds. Maybe she should try, with your suggestion, to get out and meet people. Go to the senior center and play cards or bingo. If she gets involved in some type of activity, it will give her something to do with herself. Make some friends. People in her own area can become friends with her if she'll just try it out. If it does come down to finally having to cut the cord, don't feel badly, you've given it your best shot from what I've read. I hope I helped you at least a little here hon.
Again I'm so sorrry you're in this situation. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. TC and hugs from twinkles ?

 

[bemyselfbymyself]

It's your life, your family, you can do what you want. You are an adult. If she thinks she messed up with her own family and is trying to fix mistakes that she thinks you're making, then that's none of her business to try to "fix" it.
You need to approach her about it, if it's driving you that insane. There's always the psycho mother in law. My mother will be the same when I marry, and I'm just going tell her flat out it's my life, so butt out.