armyboy's_girl
New member
he going to be deployed soon and i want to make the time good and funny...yes im scared to death he's gettting deployed so advise will help but jokes are greatly wanted,
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my boyfriend's in the army an i like joking on him have any good jokes?
- Thread starter armyboy's_girl
- Start date
A guy dials his home phone number from work
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh... is this 555-4821?"
_________________________________________________________
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.
During one rather long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
_________________________________________________________
A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: May 27 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It is darn hot down here !!
________________________________________________________
One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap.
"Darn, I missed." says Bob.
The Pope says, "You shouldn't say that, it is bad."
Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. "Darn, I missed." says Bob again.
The Pope says, "Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."
Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. "Darn, I missed." says Bob once again.
The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.
God's voice echos, "Darn, I missed."
_________________________________________________________
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,
No sir I'm just a tax collector.
_________________________________________________________
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh... is this 555-4821?"
_________________________________________________________
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.
During one rather long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Elated, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
_________________________________________________________
A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally
typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: May 27 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived
and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is
as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It is darn hot down here !!
________________________________________________________
One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap.
"Darn, I missed." says Bob.
The Pope says, "You shouldn't say that, it is bad."
Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. "Darn, I missed." says Bob again.
The Pope says, "Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."
Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. "Darn, I missed." says Bob once again.
The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.
God's voice echos, "Darn, I missed."
_________________________________________________________
Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.
They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.
He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,
No sir I'm just a tax collector.
_________________________________________________________