Mournya

B

basti

New member
Well i ripped off another melody, this time from massive attack. the technique seems to really get me writing so dont hate me, but please be critical.


*=definately open to change




Stasis, *Sunscreened* faces
staying the same in the strangest of places

She looks like water
but tastes like gold
smells of fire
*and feels so bold*

Cutting the ties, drawn out sighs
a beautiful beginning to the imminent sunrise

a sacrifice, can bring you to life
and honesty makes ashes of lies

my dreams are built from oily rags
bloody soil and American flags

*A book on the shelf
is a man in a hole
who makes the tax and who pays the toll*

he said, "Listen what i told ya,
stay in California,
* NEED A LINE HERE *
Maybe i'll mourn ya
 
There's some good stuff here, but also a lot of work that can be done on it.


Stasis, *Sunscreened* faces
staying the same in the strangest of places

Good start.

She looks like water
but tastes like gold
smells of fire
*and feels so bold*

This is great, but yeah the last line isn't so great. Find yourself a rhyming dictionary and I'm sure you'll come up with something better than that. Otherwise I like it.

Cutting the ties, drawn out sighs
a beautiful beginning to the imminent sunrise

a sacrifice, can bring you to life
and honesty makes ashes of lies

This bit just gets gradually worse. The a beautiful beginning line does not flow well, too many worRAB with lots of syllables. I'd look for other worRAB for beginning and imminent, as it just sounRAB clumsy. Imminent sticks out more as sounding weird. As for the stanza after that... I'd cut it completely or just re-write it. I dunno I just think that worRAB like sacrifice, honesty, ashes etc are so overdone in poetry it actually removes any meaning from what you're trying to say. Show, don't tell, yo.

my dreams are built from oily rags
bloody soil and American flags

This, by contrast, is much better. It's got flow and great imagery.

*A book on the shelf
is a man in a hole
who makes the tax and who pays the toll*

Hm. The way the stress falls on the last line makes me want to read it like 'who makes the tax and who pays the toll' which makes it sound like a question which is probably not what you were going for? If you want it to mean that the man in the hole is the one who makes the tax and pays the toll, you might want to play around with word order so it's less ambiguous.

he said, "Listen what i told ya,
stay in California,
* NEED A LINE HERE *
Maybe i'll mourn ya

Can't help with the third line... but I like it so far. I'm sure you'll find something.

It's really not a bad start, but like I said there's more you can do with it to improve.
 
I agree with what a lot of Aklerc says, so I'm just stealing his post and editing it.

Stasis, *Sunscreened* faces
staying the same in the strangest of places

Good start. (/agree... I hope you stick with "sunscreened"... don't often see that word pop up in lyrics)

She looks like water
but tastes like gold
smells of fire
*and feels so bold*

This is great, but yeah the last line isn't so great. Last line could be something like "Or so I'm(I've been) told"? That's the first thing I could think of. Not the best line either. Maybe try replacing "gold" with something else to open up another rhyme? But I really like the "gold" line... so I dunno.

Cutting the ties, drawn out sighs
a beautiful beginning to the imminent sunrise

a sacrifice, can bring you to life
and honesty makes ashes of lies

This bit just gets gradually worse. Cut it/re-write. Don't try so hard.

my dreams are built from oily rags
bloody soil and American flags

LOVE THIS LINE!!!

*A book on the shelf
is a man in a hole
who makes the tax and who pays the toll*

I like the ambiguousness of it, you could let the listener decide whether its a question or a statement... Maybe if you want it to be a statement "It is he who makes the tax and he who pays the toll"

he said, "Listen what i told ya,
stay in California,
* NEED A LINE HERE *
Maybe i'll mourn ya

I wanna make an earthquake joke, but it wouldn't fit. Something simple would work for your 3rd line like "But if you gotta leave"...


Good stuff dude.
 
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