Lately I have been doing a lot of in depth self reflection and thinking. I have come to the conclusion that i have some sort of psychological issue or issues, nothing too serious, but serious enough for me to feel the effects of it. I believe I might have a specific form of social anxiety.
Generally I am not anxious or uncomfortable in large crowds, or public areas, but I do become extremely afraid, anxious and uncomfortable in other, more specific types of social situations.
Whenever i am around a girl who i really like, naturally I want to be able to go up to them and have a conversation, talk to them, but I cannot do that. I want to, but I cant. At first I just become nervous, like anyone else would, but I cannot overcome this nervousness, and it evolves into more intense, physical symptoms. I become very pessimistic, sad, angry and very anxious. I get very sweaty palms and sometimes start to shake, or feel my body heat rising, generally i become physically uncomfortable, and i feel lethargic and lazy. I also start to feel like my body wants to shut down, like i just want to fall asleep and not have conscious thoughts. After this awkward situation of me trying to talk to a girl, but failing miserably occurs, I usually start to feel extremely sad, and I have questioned what the purpose of my life is. I'm not suicidal, I just don't know why anything matters. This only leads to further feelings of extremely low self esteem, and complete lack of confidence.
This is happening right now with me, there's this girl i really like, and it kills me inside every day in one of my classes, that I cannot go to her and talk to her. I probably sound pathetic, but this is my reality.
This is not the only time this has happened to me, it has happened to me every time an opportunity for a relationship arises.
In pretty much any other social situation, I am alright, I am introverted, I am quiet, but I am able to be sociable, especially if I am somewhat comfortable around the people I am with.
I think that this is happening to me because of my history with pornography. I went through very early puberty and in elementary school, I was made fun of some times because of my very early maturation. Also at around this time in my life, around the end of elementary school, into middle school I was introduced to porn. I first started out with a Victoria's Secret magazine that I had found in my house. I then gradually got more curious and found out about internet porn. I started searching for sexually stimulating images on the internet at about 6th grade, around 11 years old. at first it was soft stuff, but I soon got into hardcore porn and soon found myself to be addicted to pornography. By the time eighth grade came, I had started to feel feelings of shame and distress over my porn and masturbation habits. This mainly came from religious pressures or influences. I wanted to not only quit watching porn, but stop masturbating all together. In 9th and tenth grades, the beginning of high school, I think I went through the most serious phase of my sexual addiction. I would masturbate every single day, at least three times a day while watching porn. Just last year I was able to begin a sort of reform, and this year I have gotten much better, but I am still addicted. I still turn to porn and masturbation when I have a problem that needs to be confronted, to comfort myself, or forget about said problem.
But my question is this: Could my condition of nervousness and complete lack of confidence and self esteem when it comes to girls have been triggered by my lifelong battle with porn? could porn be the reason for all of this, could it have caused some sort of psychological problem?
Generally I am not anxious or uncomfortable in large crowds, or public areas, but I do become extremely afraid, anxious and uncomfortable in other, more specific types of social situations.
Whenever i am around a girl who i really like, naturally I want to be able to go up to them and have a conversation, talk to them, but I cannot do that. I want to, but I cant. At first I just become nervous, like anyone else would, but I cannot overcome this nervousness, and it evolves into more intense, physical symptoms. I become very pessimistic, sad, angry and very anxious. I get very sweaty palms and sometimes start to shake, or feel my body heat rising, generally i become physically uncomfortable, and i feel lethargic and lazy. I also start to feel like my body wants to shut down, like i just want to fall asleep and not have conscious thoughts. After this awkward situation of me trying to talk to a girl, but failing miserably occurs, I usually start to feel extremely sad, and I have questioned what the purpose of my life is. I'm not suicidal, I just don't know why anything matters. This only leads to further feelings of extremely low self esteem, and complete lack of confidence.
This is happening right now with me, there's this girl i really like, and it kills me inside every day in one of my classes, that I cannot go to her and talk to her. I probably sound pathetic, but this is my reality.
This is not the only time this has happened to me, it has happened to me every time an opportunity for a relationship arises.
In pretty much any other social situation, I am alright, I am introverted, I am quiet, but I am able to be sociable, especially if I am somewhat comfortable around the people I am with.
I think that this is happening to me because of my history with pornography. I went through very early puberty and in elementary school, I was made fun of some times because of my very early maturation. Also at around this time in my life, around the end of elementary school, into middle school I was introduced to porn. I first started out with a Victoria's Secret magazine that I had found in my house. I then gradually got more curious and found out about internet porn. I started searching for sexually stimulating images on the internet at about 6th grade, around 11 years old. at first it was soft stuff, but I soon got into hardcore porn and soon found myself to be addicted to pornography. By the time eighth grade came, I had started to feel feelings of shame and distress over my porn and masturbation habits. This mainly came from religious pressures or influences. I wanted to not only quit watching porn, but stop masturbating all together. In 9th and tenth grades, the beginning of high school, I think I went through the most serious phase of my sexual addiction. I would masturbate every single day, at least three times a day while watching porn. Just last year I was able to begin a sort of reform, and this year I have gotten much better, but I am still addicted. I still turn to porn and masturbation when I have a problem that needs to be confronted, to comfort myself, or forget about said problem.
But my question is this: Could my condition of nervousness and complete lack of confidence and self esteem when it comes to girls have been triggered by my lifelong battle with porn? could porn be the reason for all of this, could it have caused some sort of psychological problem?