I do not have a general practice doctor because, until recently, I have not been sick with more than the common cold. However, it had been a few years since my last physical and I thought it might be a good idea to get a checkup. Besides, the shit they call air in this area has made me feel like Aqualung for a couple of years now. I figured I ought to get that checked out.
So, I went in to see my wife's doctor. Everyone spoke very highly of her, so I was hopeful. She came in and performed the physical with one of her partners present. I thought this must be a good thing; two doctors for the price of one.
Well, they kept taking my blood pressure while interviewing me. It was a little high. No problem, we all thought.
Their professional medical opinion was that I have developed "atrocious allergies." No shit? My non-professional opinion told me the same thing before I even made the freakin' appointment. She prescribed some allergy medicines, so I let it slide.
They left the room for a bit and then a nurse returned. She said that the doctors wanted to give me an EKG. OK, thought I, Is this part of a normal physical?
Apparently not. After reading the traces and conferring with the other partners, the doctors' professional concensus was that I had had a couple of heart attacks. Heart attacks? WTF?! Apparently, one can have a heart attack without the normal indicators. More tests were scheduled, including a sonagram (ultrasound) of my heart. They went on to insist that I change my whole lifestyle. Blood was drawn for more tests. They worked themselves and me into a frenzy. I began thinking about a will, my wife and kids, all those things I had yet to do. Holy shit, I was suddenly aware of my own mortality! I had to make plans. My wife freaked when she heard the news.
About ten agonizing days later I received the anticipated phone call from the doctors' office with the test results. I was prepared for the worst. I sat stunned as the results were read.
My cholesterol was 176; pretty freakin' low. Nothing abnormal found in my blood or liver function. No sign of any infection or other illness. No elevated white blood cell count. Oh, and it looks like my heart is healthy. Apparently, the EKG leads had been placed improperly and had caused it to look like my heart had been damaged by heart attacks. In short, I was fine. Huh?
Fine? WTF?! What do you mean fine? You get me worked up thinking I have a heart condition and then you come back with, "You're fine. Sorry, dude. My bad." Are you on acid? Are you insane? That kind of shit will make someone have a heart attack, you fucking ghouls. You don't tell people shit like that and then act like nothing happened. What's next, trepaning? Leaches? Fucking exorcisms? Needless to say, I will not return to see that quack or her quack associates. Medical professional, my ass. Where's my Magic 8 Ball?
So, I went in to see my wife's doctor. Everyone spoke very highly of her, so I was hopeful. She came in and performed the physical with one of her partners present. I thought this must be a good thing; two doctors for the price of one.
Well, they kept taking my blood pressure while interviewing me. It was a little high. No problem, we all thought.
Their professional medical opinion was that I have developed "atrocious allergies." No shit? My non-professional opinion told me the same thing before I even made the freakin' appointment. She prescribed some allergy medicines, so I let it slide.
They left the room for a bit and then a nurse returned. She said that the doctors wanted to give me an EKG. OK, thought I, Is this part of a normal physical?
Apparently not. After reading the traces and conferring with the other partners, the doctors' professional concensus was that I had had a couple of heart attacks. Heart attacks? WTF?! Apparently, one can have a heart attack without the normal indicators. More tests were scheduled, including a sonagram (ultrasound) of my heart. They went on to insist that I change my whole lifestyle. Blood was drawn for more tests. They worked themselves and me into a frenzy. I began thinking about a will, my wife and kids, all those things I had yet to do. Holy shit, I was suddenly aware of my own mortality! I had to make plans. My wife freaked when she heard the news.
About ten agonizing days later I received the anticipated phone call from the doctors' office with the test results. I was prepared for the worst. I sat stunned as the results were read.
My cholesterol was 176; pretty freakin' low. Nothing abnormal found in my blood or liver function. No sign of any infection or other illness. No elevated white blood cell count. Oh, and it looks like my heart is healthy. Apparently, the EKG leads had been placed improperly and had caused it to look like my heart had been damaged by heart attacks. In short, I was fine. Huh?
Fine? WTF?! What do you mean fine? You get me worked up thinking I have a heart condition and then you come back with, "You're fine. Sorry, dude. My bad." Are you on acid? Are you insane? That kind of shit will make someone have a heart attack, you fucking ghouls. You don't tell people shit like that and then act like nothing happened. What's next, trepaning? Leaches? Fucking exorcisms? Needless to say, I will not return to see that quack or her quack associates. Medical professional, my ass. Where's my Magic 8 Ball?