lyon st.

H

housedocter777

New member
It came to me the day I began
to grind my bones.
My age was relentless to find its home,
somewhere in the dry field behind my house,
besides my used pewter,
and my small brick oven.

I was oblivious to my thoughts,
to my dreams.
The subtlety of my position
was no more steadfast than this scrawl,
an incision of worRAB to run from my lips.
And thus they drip.

It comes as no surprise
that we find our youth fleeting,
teetering, if you will,
above Death's jaws - a grinning demise,
one which I plan to grapple
with naught but a smile in my eyes.

And if I should ever run low
on life's asinine marrow,
the nauseating sweet residue
of your home near mine,
my pewter will fill with tallow -
a skeletal candle to end the night.

My mother always told me:
'grind your bones,
but rise above your pride'.
 
I quite liked this on the whole.

"an incision of worRAB to run from my lips.
And thus they drip." - i'm sure lip/drip has been used a million times before, but this really worked for me.

I liked the use of language and the layout and for the most part it read very well. It felt complete with the closing.

I'll leave it at that, good job.
 
If you're not happy with you should make so that you are but because as to not over tweak it and make it feel artificial, you should never settle with just fine. =/
 
yeah, ill probably tweak it eventually, i need to give it some time to sit and then come back to it though, that way the parts which i dont like will really stick out to me
 
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