Last Straw(s)

[o REWIIND o]

I am so fucking sick of my situation.

Work: Bullshit! I love performing my job so much. I even like the bullshit paperwork parts (it's true). The only thing is, no matter how hard I work or how much they like me, there's no room for advancement.

Due to union negotiations, I am limited to 1040 hours/year. I have been working for 1 year and I already am in about the most advanced position I can be with this job title, and now that I'm here, I am realizing that it pretty much sucks... I am just supposed to do way more work than my co-workers, at the same pay, for another year in the hopes that they promote me?

The kicker is, they like me a lot! If I stick around and get a degree, in 4-6 years I can be making 40k/year, starting. It's just that right now I am broke as shit, and sick of it! You'll see why below...

Family: Arrgh! My family irritates the shit out of me! My mom especially. She is so fucking immature! I am respectful of her rules and I'm a pretty together-and-with-it 18 year old, but all she ever fucking does is naysay!

To hear her talk, you'd think I would fucking die without her for 24 hours. But she knows full-well I managed to take care of myself [I did my own laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and self-management (went to school, got good grades, etc)] for an entire year without her!

I am capable of making good decisions and choices, I do NOT need my diaper changed, and no, I am not a colossal fuck-up!

But whenever I go to her and ask advice on something, she tells me one of three things, which I have paraphrased for brevity. Usually these are long lectures, NOT adult-to-adult conversations like I deserve:
"You will eventually understand the true scope of this, you need to do more processing."
"I'm disappointed."
"You aren't motivated enough."

NONE of which are useful. It's like she doesn't even know me!

I am nearly the most over-analytical person that doesn't have some sort of debilitating social disorder (or so I think, continue reading) this side of the fucking Rockies! I have a constant debate with myself about right and wrong, what's the proper course of action, raging at all times in my head. I CAN'T shut it up. All I do is "process".

I won't even touch "I'm disappointed" - so fucking what? I asked for advice, not guilt.

As far as motivation - well, I don't necessarily expect anybody to understand this, but I think everything is my fault, and the only way I can change anything for the better is by changing myself: to work harder, or think of things I can do better or differently to improve the situation. All I have is motivation. And you know what? I am DAMN GOOD at things that I set my mind to. I have risen to the top time and time again. So telling me I need to get motivated, is not really something I need to hear.

And to top it off, the most crucial times when she should be talking to me/helping me/guiding me the most, like when she wants to put her foot down on something, or she is upset with my behavior/choices/whatever, she just fucking clams up and gives me the silent treatment. THE SILENT TREATMENT, that most juvenile of responses. When I ask her about it, all she tells me is that she has nothing to say.

Just about two weeks ago, she went an entire week without talking to me because she told me it was okay for me to smoke marijuana in the house, and then I did it. Apparently that was a FUCKING NO-NO. I don't even care if she'd said no, but she wasn't mature enough to talk to me about it - she just gave me the silent treatment. After the week, she told me to stop, which was fine.

It still reflects her low opinion of me - sure, SHE could do all sorts of crazy ass drugs (and she did) and still manage her life just fine, but apparently I might become a drug addict going nowhere in life. Glad you think so highly of me, Mom.

Today, she started the silent treatment again. This time, because I didn't like a house that she was considering renting. Forget about the fact that I was willing to compromise on it (I say compromise because I would be paying more than 1/4 of the rent if we moved in), she just gave me the silent treatment and didn't want to talk about it. Well that's fucking GRAND! Speaking of homes...

Home: I am getting sick and fucking tired of having NOTHING that is my own. Every single aspect of my life is entirely 100% public, except time I spend in the bathroom and my drive to and from work. I have no private area, even for my things - all my shit is kept in other people's drawers. It's no fucking wonder I feel like I need to push the boundaries - I completely fucking trapped!

I sleep about 5 fucking feet from my Uncle, in the same room. It's not any problem of his - he's as considerate as he can be, and he is a great guy - I am just always on motherfucking eggshells! I am a fucking guest in the only place I am supposed to feel at home!!!!!!!!!

I can't afford to move out, either, because of my shitty job - I just barely break even on the month just paying for gas, phone bill, insurance, and the minuscule social life I have. WTF. I don't even have nice things!!!!!!

Social Life: N/A. Seriously. I have lived in San Jose a full year and the only people I have met are either in high school, or 21+ always at the club types. So nobody is quite on the same level as I am when it comes to just kickin it after work. I can't go to the clubs and I am sorry, I don't want to go to high school parties. I have no friends my fucking age! Even when I was in school, I didn't meet anybody I struck up a friendship with.

What the fuck is wrong with me? A fucking year and nobody I can call when I'm bored and say "Hey, let's kick it." Am I just a repulsive person or something? Night after fucking night at home with nothing to do. And NO FUCKING ACTION on the chicks front.

The girl I am (was, I guess) seeing made my heart melt in a way it hadn't in a long time, but she has one serious flaw: Whenever she gets busy, she goes AWOL and I don't hear from her for a long time. This is the third time it's happened, we went from talking every day or every other day, to no contact for about 2 weeks now. Then she pops out and says "OMGZZZZ I have been so busy and X, Y and Z happened blah I miss you so much you are so great you make my life so much better" etc.

Well fuck it, I am not a by-the-hour romantic interest. It seemed better this time (she had kept close contact with me through a rough time over the month and a half we had been seeing each other consecutively) but apparently she isn't going to change.

I just don't know anybody I want to date. There's always some weird reason, either real or I'm sure sometimes ones I invent, to not go after the girls I find attractive. It doesn't help that I know fucking NO ONE.

And no sex for a fucking year. I am in my peak - never in my life will I have this sort of sex drive ever again, and I sit alone night after night after night. I fucking tell you, it is EXCRUCIATING. It's a sick fucking obsession with a long-gone memory at this point. I don't understand it. I honestly have been broken down to despair time after time after motherfucking time, but it WON'T GO AWAY. It's a fucking itch I just can't fucking scratch. I HATE IT.

Well fuck. I need to get the FUCK out of this situation. I am going to go fucking insane. I've tried busting my ass as hard as I can in the situation I have. It got me fucking nowhere. I'm fucking suffocating.

 

[JTM]

Damn dude.

You really said it best yourself at the end of your rant. "I need to get the FUCK out of this situation."

Have you considered getting a second job? With the limit they've put on your hours, I'd look into some part time work. If they don't open the door for advancement in a year, fuck 'em. (I know, you've built a relationship with these people. Probably not that easy.) If you don't think you can handle the second job, you can always quit. Try it out for a while. Hell, maybe you'll meet some new peeps while you're at it.

The family/home situation can probably be fixed by moving the fuck out. Unfortunately, money comes into play again, like it does all the fucking time. Second job.

What's up with college anyways? Hiatus? Plenty of women in college.

Anyways, just some suggestions man. I remember when I was 15-16 and I was losing my mind from family, work, blablablabla, fuck that bullshit, etc. Found some work on the side, hustled a bit here and there, and bam. Got the fuck out, got a place. From there things chilled out a lot for me. Not to say I haven't started over again once or twice in my short life, but that was poor choice in women. That's another story for another day.

 

[Shez]

Well, my mom has continued to be bitchy.

Today, out of nowhere, she just blurted out "If you have something to say to me, just say it."

So, I told her (in many more words, but just as polite) that not talking to me is a hurtful action, and that these are the times we need to be talking to each other most.

She basically said, we aren't seeing eye to eye and her talking won't help anything, so she isn't talking.



It's such a fucking PUNISHMENT, it's unbelievable. But she fucking denies the whole thing! She says it's not a punishment, it's practical.

Jesus. This is such a typical thing for her, and she KNOWS it's an extremely punitive action. She has done this for as long as I can remember (just get completely silent when she's extremely mad, and say she has nothing to say), and about 6 months ago, my grandma did it to her. After that, my mom apologized to us and said she never understood how hurtful and infuriating it is, and she was going to try not to do it again.

Jesus, I need to get the fuck out of here NOW.

 

[issa]

Oh my goodness darling, I wish I had a magical solution for you because I enjoy so much when we talk and think you are an amazing person.

But this is life and, of course, no easy solutions. You really need to get a second job so you can move out. That should be your main focus as this is often the source for your frustration and anger.

And Ic, I know you aren't a slut but you need a fuck buddy. Some like minded hot chica that is willing to get it on until you meet that special lady.

 

[revenge_taker05]

Sorry to hear all this Icky. There's no magical solution or answer to this though. You're an adult now and you'll have to figure it out or just simply get through it. It won't always be like this.

I have to ask though, is there no other work you can do that you would enjoy with perhaps more advancement and growth and more importantly better pay? From what I've read of your work you seem to love to work with kids and that is a true gift. Not all teachers do. So those who do usually make the best ones. My brother is a gym teacher at a middle school and he lives on his own in a very nice apartment setting. You have to get a degree though to get the pay he does. He loves his job though.

Is there no way you can get to school with financial aid perhaps? It seems like if you could go full time to school with grants and loans you could get out and be on a path to a real job anyway and everything else will get better on its own - even your sex life.

Even if you continue to live with your mother while you get through school, loans and grants often give you enough money to live on as well (or at least a little extra money toward the cost of living) and that could help get you and your mom in a little larger apartment.