Kidding myself

[slinky1]

Ok I'm about to rarable so forgive me. I keep tapering and then when I get stressed out, I go up again. I don't seem to have the disipline required to cut this out. I think its because it doesn't seem "so bad." Until yesterday. I went into an Urgent care center and faked an injury to get pills. Hello? That's a huge problem! Why can't I kick the habit? I never tapered slowly either. I was so proud a few weeks ago when I got down to a half a Vicodin a day. Even my WD symptoms started to go away. Now I'm taking Percocet and Vicodin to the point I forget how much I've taken at the end of the day. I've hidden this from everyone. I did tell the truth to my boyfriend a few months ago and he now thinks I'm off of it. I'm too ashamed to tell him now because during an arguement, he threw up in my face that I'm a druggie. I feel pretty alone and I don't remeraber feeling "normal." The sad fact is that the pills make me feel good-most of the time and I'm afraid I won't feel so good if I stop taking them. Legally, I'm nervous because of dr shopping. I read in one post that it is illegal to do so? Since I fill my prescriptions through my insurance, they won't refill them without a certain amount of time passing so I thought I was in the clear. How do I taper off in a correct way?

 

[mel486]

Hi slinky - Welcome to the group. yes, hiding in a pill bottle or a booze bottle is an easy way to ignore your problems and use normal everyday life experiences as an excuse to take another pill or drink. You have to separate the two from each other and taper to get off of the Oxy as one goal and handle normal everyday crappy life events as another. Life will crap on you from time-to-time, and you just need to deal with it, figure out how to recover and move on. Stress is the main reaction to things that happen to you. Find other ways to deal with the stress like deep breathing, getting away from the stresser, finding something pleasant to get your mind off of it, go for a walk, etc...

You need to treat them as two separate things. You'll find that you will be able to handle stress better once you are off of the Oxy and have it out of your system.

Seek out NA meetings and talk to other people about how they handle the urge to grab a pill when they get stressed out. Trust me, the thought has crossed my mind in the past, but I try thinking about something else and get busy doing something to get my mind off of it. Good Luck to you

 

[magpie1970]

I agree with Denon. You need to find other ways with dealing with what life blows your way. Every day without a pill is another day that is bringing you back to normalcy.

You bring up a good point about your doctor shopping. Yes, it is illegal and you can get arrested for it. Not to sound uncaring, but if you are in jail, what good is that doing to your family or yourself for that matter? If you aren't able to stop taking the pills on your own, you need to seek outside help for this before something bad happens.

It sounRAB to me like you DO want off the pills, but you need to take some steps and ask for help. There's no shame in it. Many people here have gone through rehab, used meeting, or were able to stop on their own without outside intervention. No matter what way you accomplish it, do it.

I hope that you're able to come to a resolution about this and stop taking the pills. We're always here for you. It's not easy, but it can be done.

 

[NotPerky]

Wow, Slinky, that story about your boyfriend sounRAB SOOO familiar. Well, first, I don't even have the BF anymore (since I've withdrawn from almost the whole world). But when I did, I absolutely did not reveal my problem with pills. He was very straight-laced -- never tried pot or anything, even growing up in the 60's. I was erabarrassed to tell him I was dependent for fear he'd think I was a druggie. And yes, he probably would have thrown up up in my face in a fight too. But I always felt he knew....he had to see how my personality had changed over the years we were together. So I completely understand why you don't want to tell your BF about your lapse.

I am not one to tell you you can taper, because I haven't been able to successfully do it myself. But yes, stress is a huge factor. I felt very proud of myself last week when I went through a very stressful situation where I was very angry. Despite my tapering schedule, I thought the heck with it -- I need my pills to calm me down. Went in the bedroom, got two pills. Set them down on the table in front of me. But....I didn't take them. And I managed to wait for my next scheduled dose. Wow -- that was progress!

I just thought I'd share that little tidbit....every time we can handle stress without resorting to our DOC is a major step towarRAB a happy narcotic-free life.

 

[Wild Irish Rose]

Slinky, glad to meet you and glad you posted. I'm afraid I can't give you advice on how to taper off anything by yourself. I've never had the self-discipline to do it myself, so I settled for suboxone because I knew I'd never get off the Norco by myself.

I also doctor shopped, faked injuries (sometimes I caused injuries if I thought a doc wouldn't believe me. The ER personnel actually knew me so well they didnt need to look at my chart to call me by name.

I'm not sure, but I do believe dr. shopping might be illegal. That was one of the things that scared me, too.

A word about filling your scripts through your insurance company: eventually they'll catch on and question your doc(s) about it. My insurance company did. They contacted my pain mgmt. doc to ask him to question the vic and vicoprofen(sp?) scripts he was giving me, when I was getting norco and sometimes oxy from my PCP and rheumatologist. Of course, none of the docs knew about each other or the multiple prescriptions, but that really blew my cover, and was one of the things that saved my life, actually. I didn't have any legal problems because of it, but I suspect that if I would've kept going, maybe I probably would have.

I agree with magpie and denon. I think, since you already know you're "kidding yourself" (don't we all?) that you should reach out for some kind of help, no matter how much shame you feel. I hope this doesn't sound cold, but right now your "shame" doesn't matter; it's your life that matters, and when you start recovering, you will be able to deal with that shame with a clear mind. You might be hiding your addiction right now, but eventually....they will find out, I'm sure.

I'm worried that you forget how many you've taken by the end of the day. I OD'd 3 times for that very same reason, and ended up in ER - boy, talk about shame! Plus the damage it did to my family, which was tragic. I almost lost the ones I love most.

You know what? I know you're worried you won't feel good if you stop using. But be honest with yourself, do you really feel "good" now? My experience was that after a while, I thought I felt "good" while using, but I didn't...I just felt "high," and as soon as the high wore off, I felt horrible guilt, and threw some more pills down my gullet. Looking back, I really didn't even feel good when I was loaded, I just felt terribly tired and sick at heart.

Don't worry about how you'll feel down the road, worry about now. None of us can predict how we'll feel in the future. You'll have happiness, sadness, joy, disappointment, etc., etc., just like everyone else. If you could let that worry go, you might be able to move forward and take steps to address your addiction before it totally ruins your life and drives away the lives of the people you love.

I'm so sorry your boyfriend isn't more supportive. That sure makes things that are already hard just that more difficult. It sounRAB like your he might need some education on addiction. Would he go to a meeting for the loved ones of addicts? I'm sorry, I'm totally blocked as to the names, all I can think of is Ala-teen(sp?), but that's not the appropriate one.

Sorry for the novel.

Keep us updated, please?

rose

 

[artgal7]

Wow, what an insightful reply from Wild Irish Rose. It gives me much to ponder. Well said, Irish.

New meraber here - just posted my story.