Just Can't Get It Right

V

vine_08

New member
First one I've written so its not brilliant, all criticism welcomed! Its a shame I can't put the vocal itself here or the composition as it gives certain lines and worRAB an emphasis you can't see by just reading it. But meh, have your say!

She says day and she says night
I summon the sun, but its too bright
I try to pull the moon but dont have the might
*Exhale* Just can't get it right

Mother and lover, a stones throw apart
an end just heralRAB another start
failures i cant fathom crush my heart
throw paint on a canvas what makes it art?

a smile or two always decieves me
but lips sink, why cant you believe me
i only wanted to ease, to please, to appease
and what do I get?, frustration to squeeze me

chasing the ghost
my hope slowly floats
murmurs and gloats
but never disappears

cross the bridge of sighs
at the edge, hold my nose
dead water ebbs and flows
diving down but not to drown

apathy by indecision
numbed by defeat
emotion escapes me
as I wish I could
non sequitur of a life
but least i can laugh
 
Some parts of this a really good. "throw paint on a canvas what makes it art?" was a great line. The only problem you have here is your use of forced rhyming.

"a smile or two always decieves me
but lips sink, why cant you believe me
i only wanted to ease, to please, to appease
and what do I get?, frustration to squeeze me

chasing the ghost
my hope slowly floats
murmurs and gloats
but never disappears"

This bit in particular, you rhymed me too much and the rest is just awkward. But hey, if it's in a song and done right, you can pull it off.
 
Yeah I was seeing what it seemed like and with the vocals done right it kind of sounRAB okay, but yeah I'd agree it definitely seems forced. I'll have a bit of a revision then and post it again later, cheers!
 
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