Jumonji Giri

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Grit my teeth, clench shut my eyes
This moment will pass
A deep breath, dig my nails in
This moment will pass

Determined I can make it disappear forever
I can pretend I am brave if only for a second
I'll grip tightly a pretend wakizashi
Plunge it deep, plunge it true
And feign a straight face

I'll write beautifully just this once
I hope the calligraphy makes you so proud
You'll forgive that I'm apologising
For the mess I've made again

Although I've never been fond of pain
I'll be sure to take a grim sort of pleasure this time
As I push left to right, turn and pull up
I promise not to make a sound

With a pencil shaking in my hand
Thinking fondly of seppuku
This moment will pass
This moment will pass
 
nice one. The subject matter (suicide and regret) isn't entirely unique, it works well here since it's just an expression for how the narrator is feeling, not literal. Or perhaps the narrator really does want to commit suicide but, "I can pretend I am brave if only for a second" is maybe proof he's too scared to go through with it. anyways I like it. I think this would actually make really cool lyrics put the right music
 
I like how it flows in then out. Repetition on the begin and end is nice. Helps drive the point home. The two commas stand out........ they work hard. I cant tell if that is a good thing or a bad thing. the I'lls are off for me. Like I want them to be as perfect as the rest of the worRAB at the beginning of each sentance.

Other then that (my OCD/Dislexia points out dumb shiz)
I really enjoyed the poem. It rolled off the tongue and the form made certain worRAB pop out very well.
 
Comma's probably stand out because I didn't bother with punctuation for the rest of it. There'd be a lot more going on it if I had haha, but I can never be fucked. Thanks.
 
Thats the point....when you don't use punctuation...the punctuation thats there really stanRAB out. Not syaing its bad or good...just when some people read a poem the first thing they see are patterns and such. Then they read it.
 
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