It is The End

D

Doug Graves-Witherspoon

New member
So hi. I'm not new to this site or forum, but I only joined recently. I suppose I'll start my adventures here by posting up some poetry.

An explicit abuse permeates,
Degeneration of the roots.
A stab into my crux, it shoots,
Star-crossed paths did not fulfill our fates

It infiltrated, retained my trust.
Insidiously, it slithered,
Constricting me, defense withered,
Volatility beneath its crust.

Now an implemented seduction
Plagues from within this union, new,
The enemy
 
kinda sounRAB like hardcore lyrics to me. iono i just get that vibe. one of the best exercises i learned was to eliminate unnecessary worRAB or worRAB we felt were detrimental to our poems. i would argue that 'explicit' cheeses up the first line and that "an abuse permeates" or even "abuse permeates" would be a more powerful statement.

the fourth line "Star-crossed paths did not fulfill our fates" is an obvious allusion to romeo and juliet. The dark nature of the poem lead me to believe that someone who you thought was your friend stole your girlfriend? that's what i got from it at least.

i'll credit you for the interesting rhyme scheme, but i feel that there was poor word choice and placement throughout the poem that neeRAB to be addressed.
 
Back
Top