Is this Poem good to present? rate it please.?

  • Thread starter Thread starter LazrTag HyperCrush Doll
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LazrTag HyperCrush Doll

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The rope

Glassy water and jagged edges,
Tearing at my every move.
The Cesspool beneath my feet
Draws closer with every breath
I take.
I’m slowly drowning in it
As I go through life and take
All the wrong steps
And nothing is left of me but my hand…
Still trying to find a rope to hold on to
As you bury me in your self-pity.


Nobody dares to save me because
Everyone’s too scared to move on his or her own
And nobody dares look my way, because
I could myself into stone as
I stare back into empty eyes.

Glassy water and jagged edges,
Bury their selves deep into my flesh.
The blood reflects and drips down my arm and
All I see is myself in different places.
Im swallowing glass and
Trying to escape this wicked place called
Home.
.
 
You have the potential of at least an 8, maybe a 9. You need to replace the repeating words and correct some typos. For instance "Draws closer with EACH breath" I would change the second line to "shredding my every move" or "clawing at my every move"

No one dares to save me because
They are afraid to act on their own
Nobody chances to look my way
In case I turn myself to stone when
I stare back at their condemning eyes
Glassy water and jagged edges
Bury deeply into my translucent flesh
My blood oozes dripping down my arm
I have a vision of myself in different places
My throat in ribbons from swallowing glass
Trying to escape this wicked, empty space
Called home.

This is some editing I have done for you. You are welcome to use it as a template or in your poem as it is. Edited poetry is not plagiarizing if you use it. It is merely a more appealing way of assembling the poem that YOU wrote.
Poems like this can be a cry for help. I could feel your lonliness and sense of not belonging. I hope you will talk to the school counselor. If home has possibilities of healing maybe th counselor can conduct family counseling in your favor. If not then at least she/he can provide an outlet and perhaps another solution. God bless you and I hope your life at home gets better.
 
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