I started college this year, but I have felt like this for years.
I am extremely introverted and reclusive. I'm living in a dorm, so this is getting quite awkward. At night, I really would rather just sit in my room and watch Lost on the internet. I have very little desire to party or just “hang out.“ I'd rather drink alone than in a group. The rest of the people on my floor stay up and out in the hallway until about 3 in the morning, while I sit in my room. If I have to go to the bathroom I hold it until the morning, because I don't want to have to interact with them. One time I urinated in a plastic bag, because I didn’t want to go into the hallway.
The people on my floor are very nice and friendly. I have hung out with them some.
But I just hate being so close to other people. I would rather be alone for the most part. And I hate the idea of other people knowing what I'm doing all day everyday. I start to lie for no reason. If I go buy groceries, and someone asks where I went, I lie for no reason. Or sometimes I just walk around the city by myself, but I refuse to tell anyone that. And I“m not doing anything wrong or anything that I should be secretive about. I lie to my friends back home too.
I go through periods of terrible insomnia, when I won’t be able to fall asleep until 4 in the morning or I’ll wake up multiple times a night, able to remember my dreams. I’m tired all the time. Sometimes my mind doesn’t let my body go to sleep. It’s like my mind refuses to admit that the day is over. I feel like I’m wasting my life and worthless days keep going by, faster and faster.
Then sometimes I am not tired at night or I start something and have to finish it. One night I printed 50 photos and taped them to my wall, because I felt like I had to cover the wall with something. Or I’ll start making art in photoshop and have to finish it.
Somedays I just decide that I’m going to think about suicide all day. The days seem to be random, without particular cause. I’ll look at moving cars as potential killers. I’ll focus on how easy it would be to step in front of one.
On those days I am always so tired. I slept through a class last week. I haven’t really been doing school work at all, just the minimum. I did really well in high school, but I don’t think I’m going to do too well in college. I missed a tutorial for a class, because I was so disorganized.
I also have been eating non-stop. If I have food, I feel like I have to eat it. I bought a jar of nutella a week ago, and it is pretty much gone. Luckily, I am fairly active, and it hasn’t caught up with me yet. But it’s an expensive habit. I eat even when my body tells me it’s full. It’s like I have to.
Then last night, I made out with another girl for two hours. That was my first lesbian experience ever. I wish I could blame it on alcohol, but I wasn’t drunk. I set out last night, hoping that would happen. But I didn’t really like it. I kept doing it, but I didn’t like it. I think I am asexual. I wanted to find a girl last night, because I wanted to feel close to someone. I have no interest in sex, but I want to connect with someone. Yet I kept making out with her. And she was ugly =x. It was a desperate action.
Socially, I am terribly awkward. I can do first impressions. I can introduce myself to someone and have a short little conversation when I am in control of the situation. But when I am the new one to a group, I have nothing to contribute. I can’t think of anything interesting to say. I never know what to do when I am around other people. I never know what to say.
In social situations, I am mostly indifferent. I hate making choices. I never get particularly angry. I'm just kind of there.
Sometimes I get extremely tongue tied. I’ll just sort of splutter words out, because I forget how to string them together. It’s hard to make a complete sentence. In fact, my grammar changes often. Sometimes words flow out, but other times it’s a struggle to express anything. When I'm typing, I'll let my mind drift off and I'll look back at my sentences and they don't make sense.
When I was younger I spent almost all of my time on the internet, leading a secretive double life under an alias. Now I’ve reverted back to that.
I don’t know why I struggle so much. I’ve never been abused. I am somewhat attractive and intelligent. I've always done very well in school, and my peers have always respected me. In theory, I should be living the perfect life. But I am absolutely miserable. Is this just what the adolescent years are about or am I really as weird as I think I am?
Thanks for reading that. I would appreciate any answers.
I am extremely introverted and reclusive. I'm living in a dorm, so this is getting quite awkward. At night, I really would rather just sit in my room and watch Lost on the internet. I have very little desire to party or just “hang out.“ I'd rather drink alone than in a group. The rest of the people on my floor stay up and out in the hallway until about 3 in the morning, while I sit in my room. If I have to go to the bathroom I hold it until the morning, because I don't want to have to interact with them. One time I urinated in a plastic bag, because I didn’t want to go into the hallway.
The people on my floor are very nice and friendly. I have hung out with them some.
But I just hate being so close to other people. I would rather be alone for the most part. And I hate the idea of other people knowing what I'm doing all day everyday. I start to lie for no reason. If I go buy groceries, and someone asks where I went, I lie for no reason. Or sometimes I just walk around the city by myself, but I refuse to tell anyone that. And I“m not doing anything wrong or anything that I should be secretive about. I lie to my friends back home too.
I go through periods of terrible insomnia, when I won’t be able to fall asleep until 4 in the morning or I’ll wake up multiple times a night, able to remember my dreams. I’m tired all the time. Sometimes my mind doesn’t let my body go to sleep. It’s like my mind refuses to admit that the day is over. I feel like I’m wasting my life and worthless days keep going by, faster and faster.
Then sometimes I am not tired at night or I start something and have to finish it. One night I printed 50 photos and taped them to my wall, because I felt like I had to cover the wall with something. Or I’ll start making art in photoshop and have to finish it.
Somedays I just decide that I’m going to think about suicide all day. The days seem to be random, without particular cause. I’ll look at moving cars as potential killers. I’ll focus on how easy it would be to step in front of one.
On those days I am always so tired. I slept through a class last week. I haven’t really been doing school work at all, just the minimum. I did really well in high school, but I don’t think I’m going to do too well in college. I missed a tutorial for a class, because I was so disorganized.
I also have been eating non-stop. If I have food, I feel like I have to eat it. I bought a jar of nutella a week ago, and it is pretty much gone. Luckily, I am fairly active, and it hasn’t caught up with me yet. But it’s an expensive habit. I eat even when my body tells me it’s full. It’s like I have to.
Then last night, I made out with another girl for two hours. That was my first lesbian experience ever. I wish I could blame it on alcohol, but I wasn’t drunk. I set out last night, hoping that would happen. But I didn’t really like it. I kept doing it, but I didn’t like it. I think I am asexual. I wanted to find a girl last night, because I wanted to feel close to someone. I have no interest in sex, but I want to connect with someone. Yet I kept making out with her. And she was ugly =x. It was a desperate action.
Socially, I am terribly awkward. I can do first impressions. I can introduce myself to someone and have a short little conversation when I am in control of the situation. But when I am the new one to a group, I have nothing to contribute. I can’t think of anything interesting to say. I never know what to do when I am around other people. I never know what to say.
In social situations, I am mostly indifferent. I hate making choices. I never get particularly angry. I'm just kind of there.
Sometimes I get extremely tongue tied. I’ll just sort of splutter words out, because I forget how to string them together. It’s hard to make a complete sentence. In fact, my grammar changes often. Sometimes words flow out, but other times it’s a struggle to express anything. When I'm typing, I'll let my mind drift off and I'll look back at my sentences and they don't make sense.
When I was younger I spent almost all of my time on the internet, leading a secretive double life under an alias. Now I’ve reverted back to that.
I don’t know why I struggle so much. I’ve never been abused. I am somewhat attractive and intelligent. I've always done very well in school, and my peers have always respected me. In theory, I should be living the perfect life. But I am absolutely miserable. Is this just what the adolescent years are about or am I really as weird as I think I am?
Thanks for reading that. I would appreciate any answers.