An Ode to Hawkeye
His master came home from the war.
In Afghanistan he died.
His dog was shattered to it's core
For no matter how he tried,
He'd always dreamt of something more.
Now all those dreams denied...
His master came home from the war.
And as the mourners cried,
He remembered times before,
Right by Master's side.
His master calling him to the door,
And together they would ride.
Looking at the casket and the mighty flag it bore,
A hero laid inside
it, and will rest upon our shore.
His master came home from the war.
His grief he cannot hide,
This loyal beast fell to the floor,
As if he too had died.
Your advice is desperately needed. Criticism is just advice based on personal opinions. IT IS VERY WELCOME HERE. Please suggest ways that I could improve this...if you think it has any hope at all. Hahaha... Tell me what lines you would change and what you would say instead. I am being sincere. Do NOT be afraid to say ANYTHING... well, don't tell me to go blank myself. Hahaha...
The only thing I feel deeply about is the actual dog and the young man who was killed in Afghanistan. They were my inspiration. I kept having to clear the tears out of my eyes to write this. That is a scene I will never forget.
I knew I could count on all of you. Thank-you! I have never tried this before and I'm not sure I will try it again. LOL. I can't believe how hard it was, between trying to stick to certain rules on writing a villanelle and trying to do justice to a scene on You Tube that kept making me cry. The instructions I read on the Web said to choose a subject that caused me to feel powerful emotions. I spent hours crying, blowing my nose, washing my face and hands AND trying to write the words you see above. When I read this? I feel like something is missing. It was something I was trying to say but couldn't. Instead, I used words I thought work. As a writer, I should know better.
Lizzy- I love you Girl. You've tried so hard to be positive I could kiss you. I'm sorry I put you through this.
Nancy- I'm just sayin' that I am glad you just said it! LOL Thank-you. Your advice is well-taken.
Classmate- you hit hard but play fair. I wanted that and I appreciate it. Everything you say is accurate and you'll get no argument from me. I am half afraid to tell you that I did use Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art" as a guide. It didn't work out too well I guess... I kept seeing poets on here go crazy trying to write something called a villanelle. It piqued my curiosity, and we all know what that did to the cat! Hahaha...
Dave- At some point in time? I was a little girl. Put me in private room alone with Funky Monkey and you will find out that I'm a big girl now! LMAO
To Who is this Villain Elle? - No villain...just me writing badly. I LOVE your very witty comment. Hugs!
To Doe: ain't it the truth??? The dog and master deserved better. I may try to redo this... or not.
To Funky Monkey: No greater love hath any poet, than forcing himself to write something he doesn't want to write, just to make another wannabe poet feel better. Chivalry is not dead after all. I am deeply touched...touched in the head, but nevertheless...
His master came home from the war.
In Afghanistan he died.
His dog was shattered to it's core
For no matter how he tried,
He'd always dreamt of something more.
Now all those dreams denied...
His master came home from the war.
And as the mourners cried,
He remembered times before,
Right by Master's side.
His master calling him to the door,
And together they would ride.
Looking at the casket and the mighty flag it bore,
A hero laid inside
it, and will rest upon our shore.
His master came home from the war.
His grief he cannot hide,
This loyal beast fell to the floor,
As if he too had died.
Your advice is desperately needed. Criticism is just advice based on personal opinions. IT IS VERY WELCOME HERE. Please suggest ways that I could improve this...if you think it has any hope at all. Hahaha... Tell me what lines you would change and what you would say instead. I am being sincere. Do NOT be afraid to say ANYTHING... well, don't tell me to go blank myself. Hahaha...
The only thing I feel deeply about is the actual dog and the young man who was killed in Afghanistan. They were my inspiration. I kept having to clear the tears out of my eyes to write this. That is a scene I will never forget.
I knew I could count on all of you. Thank-you! I have never tried this before and I'm not sure I will try it again. LOL. I can't believe how hard it was, between trying to stick to certain rules on writing a villanelle and trying to do justice to a scene on You Tube that kept making me cry. The instructions I read on the Web said to choose a subject that caused me to feel powerful emotions. I spent hours crying, blowing my nose, washing my face and hands AND trying to write the words you see above. When I read this? I feel like something is missing. It was something I was trying to say but couldn't. Instead, I used words I thought work. As a writer, I should know better.
Lizzy- I love you Girl. You've tried so hard to be positive I could kiss you. I'm sorry I put you through this.
Nancy- I'm just sayin' that I am glad you just said it! LOL Thank-you. Your advice is well-taken.
Classmate- you hit hard but play fair. I wanted that and I appreciate it. Everything you say is accurate and you'll get no argument from me. I am half afraid to tell you that I did use Elizabeth Bishop's "One Art" as a guide. It didn't work out too well I guess... I kept seeing poets on here go crazy trying to write something called a villanelle. It piqued my curiosity, and we all know what that did to the cat! Hahaha...
Dave- At some point in time? I was a little girl. Put me in private room alone with Funky Monkey and you will find out that I'm a big girl now! LMAO
To Who is this Villain Elle? - No villain...just me writing badly. I LOVE your very witty comment. Hugs!
To Doe: ain't it the truth??? The dog and master deserved better. I may try to redo this... or not.
To Funky Monkey: No greater love hath any poet, than forcing himself to write something he doesn't want to write, just to make another wannabe poet feel better. Chivalry is not dead after all. I am deeply touched...touched in the head, but nevertheless...