H
Hiba
Guest
What do I need to work on? Please say it nicely.
Sophie took a seat next to her friend, Ashley in lunchtime. As usual, everyone was talking about, except Sarah. Sarah was obsessed with the Twilight series; she was reading Breaking Dawn.
“Sarah,” said Ashley, shoving her brown hair to the side. “I know you like that series, but can’t you listen to me for once?”
“Yeah,” Sophie said, eying Sarah with her hazel eyes. “Can’t you keep your eyes off that book for two sec-?”
“Danger!” The principal said with an apprehensive voice on the intercom. “Alpha-Nine-Delta!”
Sophie froze for a minute, Alpha-Nine-Delta? The meant a shooter was here in the school. Sophie managed to refrain from showing any signs of fear, but it was inevitable that, if she saw the shooter, it would scar her for a lifetime.
For a second, everyone became deathly quiet, until the lunch lady whispered, “The drill! You little brats!” All the seventh graders proceeded with the regular drill, but much more worry. The students tried as hard as they can to get into the kitchen. Everyone got inside, Sophie had to go in last.
Unfortunately, the door closed as Sophie tried to get in. She tried to open the door; it couldn’t. She knocked hard on the door trying to get someone to open it, but it was useless, no one opened the door. She considered knocking it down, but that would put many people in danger. She couldn’t yell either; the shooter would no doubt hear her now that the school was so quiet.
Sophie hid under a table at the edge of the lunchroom. Her only hope was that the shooter wouldn’t come though the room, but that was ridiculous. She heard distinct footsteps nearby.
I'm 11, if that's important.
Notes:
Actually, this scene is made to be less dramatic, because... no, I won't tell you, that would ruin the plot.
Sarah's obsession with that series will be really important to this story.
I usually show, not tell my descriptions. I don't burst them in one bubble, I write them over time even if it takes chapters.
It's not a lot of things, the whole thing happened in 1-3 minutes.
Opps, I think I put the old version on it, Twilight and breaking Dawn is now replaced by: Her favorite book series and the last book in the series.
Sophie took a seat next to her friend, Ashley in lunchtime. As usual, everyone was talking about, except Sarah. Sarah was obsessed with the Twilight series; she was reading Breaking Dawn.
“Sarah,” said Ashley, shoving her brown hair to the side. “I know you like that series, but can’t you listen to me for once?”
“Yeah,” Sophie said, eying Sarah with her hazel eyes. “Can’t you keep your eyes off that book for two sec-?”
“Danger!” The principal said with an apprehensive voice on the intercom. “Alpha-Nine-Delta!”
Sophie froze for a minute, Alpha-Nine-Delta? The meant a shooter was here in the school. Sophie managed to refrain from showing any signs of fear, but it was inevitable that, if she saw the shooter, it would scar her for a lifetime.
For a second, everyone became deathly quiet, until the lunch lady whispered, “The drill! You little brats!” All the seventh graders proceeded with the regular drill, but much more worry. The students tried as hard as they can to get into the kitchen. Everyone got inside, Sophie had to go in last.
Unfortunately, the door closed as Sophie tried to get in. She tried to open the door; it couldn’t. She knocked hard on the door trying to get someone to open it, but it was useless, no one opened the door. She considered knocking it down, but that would put many people in danger. She couldn’t yell either; the shooter would no doubt hear her now that the school was so quiet.
Sophie hid under a table at the edge of the lunchroom. Her only hope was that the shooter wouldn’t come though the room, but that was ridiculous. She heard distinct footsteps nearby.
I'm 11, if that's important.
Notes:
Actually, this scene is made to be less dramatic, because... no, I won't tell you, that would ruin the plot.
Sarah's obsession with that series will be really important to this story.
I usually show, not tell my descriptions. I don't burst them in one bubble, I write them over time even if it takes chapters.
It's not a lot of things, the whole thing happened in 1-3 minutes.
Opps, I think I put the old version on it, Twilight and breaking Dawn is now replaced by: Her favorite book series and the last book in the series.