Is my story publish worthy? -RE: to my previous author&books question-?

L/Ryuzaki

New member
Schizophrenia

Then the darkness was gone…
A voice called out to me, a shining light in my eyes forced me to keep them shut. I groaned. “Hey.” It said. My body was pulled up, held by delicate hands. One hand swept over my forehead and brushed away my damp black hair. My head tilted to the side and my mouth slightly ajar. A soft whisper escaped my lips, “Matt…is…” I paused. “He’s back…” A tear fell to the pavement. The voice knew it was a tear of sorrowful agony. Then the voice lifted my weighted body off the ground and ran so fast it was dizzying. I was lost; my eyes wouldn’t open. Something smelled nice, like lilacs… I fell out of consciousness…

I slowly forced my eyes open. My hands clenched as I sat up, my head felt heavy and drowsy.

“Takeru!”

To my right sat my friend Chriss. His long ponytail of dark blue hair traveled down in front of his shoulder. He looked at me worriedly.

“I had… a strange dream.” I put a hand to my forehead. A wet sensation stirred in my mind. I removed my hand to find blood, dark red and dripping from my head. “B-blood.” I stated through the nausea that hit my body violently. Chriss called for the nurse. “Where am I?” I managed to say.

“I found you lying on the sidewalk outside of the school gates.” He looked wretchedly at me. “You don’t remember anything?”

That's part of chapter one, Return. It's where Takeru's other persona returns after years of being dormant, but Takeru has no memory of him before now.
 
There is room for improvement.

You don't always have to say, "I did this" or "I did that." You can say, "A groan escaped my lips." Saying "I" gets very annoying.


This is my personal opinion but the Japanese like name is a BIG turn off. It makes me think that this isn't going to be a real book its just going to be a anime comic turned into book form and make me not want to read.
My personal suggestion- give a normal name.

Hope I helped.
 
Back
Top