the_bard416
New member
So, I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm always the smartest and most interesting person anyone's ever met, My future however is very bleak, I come from a poor family, I live alone, there's very little chance of me getting into university (but little point to that). I've suffered from severe depression since childhood, and my life is really messed up. Except substitute messed for an F and a U, falled by a CK and you'd come to a more apt description. I have literally been through it all, abuse, in its many forms, shot, stabbed, impaled, countless small and big accidents, been homeless, lost many friends and seen with my own eyes how some have died and other people as well. I've tried for years now to reach out to people and make a friend but I always do something wrong (and I never know what) and in the end everytime I'm ignored or pushed away.
Despite all the things I've been through I've always done what I do best which is learn and figure out problems, I can speak 14 languages and going on more, I can do all kinds of advanced math, have a passion for western literature and I even write my own songs, essays, stories, poems, music, even a couple operettas, I can play several intstruments and I love cooking, painting, sculpting, drawing and many more things. I'm very physically active. I can be confident, cocky and yet modest or down playing everything I do. I have both very positive and good qualities but also very horrible and deep character flaws.
And also, I was told due to some health complications my life expectancy is at best three years.
What would you do?
All I think of lately is how alone I am and how much I miss someone from my past. Spend free time the last few days researching methods of suicide. I contemplate it every hour, weighing the pros and cons of it, trying to figure out alternatives. I find none that seem reasonable given who I am and the resources I have.
I don't know what answer, if any, I'm looking for. I suppose I just wanna put this out there and see if anyone sends anything back. Desperate for any kind of solace.
Figure I would add just a bit more. I do still continue to try find other answer and put myself out there and figure out ways I can possibly get some form of formal higher education. I am on antidepressents aswell as an antipsychotic for sleep because sleeping is almost impossible when you have a brain that never, ever stops and is constantly running dozens of threads/thrains of thought at any given second. I do see a doctor and a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse regularly.
And the three years is is best outcome. Reality is more like a year, at most.
Despite all the things I've been through I've always done what I do best which is learn and figure out problems, I can speak 14 languages and going on more, I can do all kinds of advanced math, have a passion for western literature and I even write my own songs, essays, stories, poems, music, even a couple operettas, I can play several intstruments and I love cooking, painting, sculpting, drawing and many more things. I'm very physically active. I can be confident, cocky and yet modest or down playing everything I do. I have both very positive and good qualities but also very horrible and deep character flaws.
And also, I was told due to some health complications my life expectancy is at best three years.
What would you do?
All I think of lately is how alone I am and how much I miss someone from my past. Spend free time the last few days researching methods of suicide. I contemplate it every hour, weighing the pros and cons of it, trying to figure out alternatives. I find none that seem reasonable given who I am and the resources I have.
I don't know what answer, if any, I'm looking for. I suppose I just wanna put this out there and see if anyone sends anything back. Desperate for any kind of solace.
Figure I would add just a bit more. I do still continue to try find other answer and put myself out there and figure out ways I can possibly get some form of formal higher education. I am on antidepressents aswell as an antipsychotic for sleep because sleeping is almost impossible when you have a brain that never, ever stops and is constantly running dozens of threads/thrains of thought at any given second. I do see a doctor and a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse regularly.
And the three years is is best outcome. Reality is more like a year, at most.