...try? I can’t explain it, but deep down I’m always sad and always have been (I know about chemical imbalances, so that's not what I mean). I’ve had stuff happen that is considered to be traumatic, but those are NOT what bring me down. I also get very upset over the state of the world and over the fact that nothing I do can change it (I love to volunteer, and I’m earning degrees that will help me to assist others better, but it’s not like anything can fix life for a parent who has lost a child or cure every person with a disease or feed every starving person, and I hate that nothing will ever be enough).
Sometimes, I really wish I could kill myself. My perfectionism normally is what brings on my praying to God to give me permission to kill myself, but at other times, I just start wishing I could kill myself. I WANT to live to volunteer. I will NEVER kill myself due to my own issues when other people are in need. I truly want nothing more than to help others. Deep down, I just sometimes (not all the time) want it all to end. I want to stop thinking about every little thing and hating myself for being a human selfish enough to have feelings.
I’m opposed to therapy because it’s selfish to burden others, but after my mom kept on pushing me to go (due to my perfectionism I had to learn from home for a time), I went. It’s taken forever, but I’m honest with the psychiatrist now. I’m incredibly opposed to medicine, but I just want to get over myself, so over the past couple of years I’ve tried different medicines at different doses—none of them work (I'm all for self-fulfilling prophecies and mind over matter though, so for a long time I tell myself, "Just a little longer and it'll kick in," but after awhile I have to admit to myself that yet another medicine doesn't work). I don’t understand why I don’t get better. I shared my secret shame with the psychiatrist as a last ditch effort, I loyally take medicine, I tell her the truth, and I truly, truly try.
Everywhere I go people ask me what my secret to being so peppy is. People tell me all the time that I’m the most optimistic person they know. I have people I’ve never met before come up to me and tell me that they’ve seen me around and that it’s wonderful how happy I am. So, it’s not as if I walk around being depressed and wallowing. I tell myself that I’m happy, but I can only lie to myself for so long. I’m at a loss. It doesn’t matter that I’m not happy; I just want to know why my efforts at feeling on the inside what I show on the outside always fail.
Is it possible that there isn’t a medicine for me and that there isn’t a therapy for me (I’ve tried different types of therapy with different people)? I ALWAYS tell myself that things will get better, but they always get worse. I don’t care that things get worse, because I’m blessed to have God, but I just want to know if this is as good as it gets so I can try to stop living in the land of optimism (it’s like no matter how low I feel and no matter how awful the state of the world is, I can’t stop believing that there’s more to life than what there seems and that things get better).
Thank you so much for your time.
Sometimes, I really wish I could kill myself. My perfectionism normally is what brings on my praying to God to give me permission to kill myself, but at other times, I just start wishing I could kill myself. I WANT to live to volunteer. I will NEVER kill myself due to my own issues when other people are in need. I truly want nothing more than to help others. Deep down, I just sometimes (not all the time) want it all to end. I want to stop thinking about every little thing and hating myself for being a human selfish enough to have feelings.
I’m opposed to therapy because it’s selfish to burden others, but after my mom kept on pushing me to go (due to my perfectionism I had to learn from home for a time), I went. It’s taken forever, but I’m honest with the psychiatrist now. I’m incredibly opposed to medicine, but I just want to get over myself, so over the past couple of years I’ve tried different medicines at different doses—none of them work (I'm all for self-fulfilling prophecies and mind over matter though, so for a long time I tell myself, "Just a little longer and it'll kick in," but after awhile I have to admit to myself that yet another medicine doesn't work). I don’t understand why I don’t get better. I shared my secret shame with the psychiatrist as a last ditch effort, I loyally take medicine, I tell her the truth, and I truly, truly try.
Everywhere I go people ask me what my secret to being so peppy is. People tell me all the time that I’m the most optimistic person they know. I have people I’ve never met before come up to me and tell me that they’ve seen me around and that it’s wonderful how happy I am. So, it’s not as if I walk around being depressed and wallowing. I tell myself that I’m happy, but I can only lie to myself for so long. I’m at a loss. It doesn’t matter that I’m not happy; I just want to know why my efforts at feeling on the inside what I show on the outside always fail.
Is it possible that there isn’t a medicine for me and that there isn’t a therapy for me (I’ve tried different types of therapy with different people)? I ALWAYS tell myself that things will get better, but they always get worse. I don’t care that things get worse, because I’m blessed to have God, but I just want to know if this is as good as it gets so I can try to stop living in the land of optimism (it’s like no matter how low I feel and no matter how awful the state of the world is, I can’t stop believing that there’s more to life than what there seems and that things get better).
Thank you so much for your time.